May 23rd, 2022 @ 11:16 am

when i finally moved out of my mom’s house, i moved to midwood, bk.  this was back in 2009.  it only lasted six months because of my idiot roommate.  he decided to just up and leave our place without:

a) putting me on the lease
b) giving me the landlord’s info
c) telling me he was leaving

…i figured once i was on the apartment hunt again, i’d branch out and move someplace different bc i had just survived living in a faraway place.  looking back, i don’t think i’d ever do that again – it was a million miles away from my roots (or at least 3 inconvenient mta transfers)…  i’m glad i had two friends down there back then, or else i would have been in a worse mental state (oh, being in your 20s).  anyways, at that time, i was looking at apartments in brooklyn heights bc i was working in dumbo, i looked up places in the bronx bc why tf not (and there were so many pre-war apt buildings that were cheap and had sunken living rooms – LE SWOON), but i ended up with an apartment plopped right into my lap via missy… in ridgewood, queens.

who knows wtf my life could have been had i moved to either of the other two spots i was eyeballing, but i’m glad it didn’t go that way.  my job in dumbo relocated not even a year later and the bronx?  who did i think i was?  lol.

* * *

it was at a time where you could still get illegal basement spots for under $1000.  it was a studio apt, but that’s honestly all i needed at the time.  it was just me and oscy.  i wanted to get out of the bayside area, i wanted to get away from my family and “friends” and my past life.  i wanted a fresh start and an easier commute to my job.  ridgewood ended up working out just fine and i thrived creatively in my little basement cave once i got into a friend routine with jes and lauren.  i was paying $700 for my little studio and i couldn’t have been happier.  i had laundry in the basement, the train was like 4 blocks away, it took 15/20 mins to get into manhattan, lauren and i were always in williamsburg, sophie and i were always in the village…  the best times.

* * *

from time to time, i check online to see what the rents are and what apartment availability looks like now, and what a shit show.  i just put in $2200 with two caveats: pets allowed and in-unit washer/dryer and THREE apartments came up in queens, lol.  as a single woman, if i ventured out on my own at this age, if you think i’m doing anything less than a 1BR, you are out of your mind.  why tf are there no apartments available with these two needs for less than $2k a month?!  wtf is going on with this idiotic city????????  i can’t.

i took off the cat filter and three more apartments popped up, all in jamaica, queens.  if you think i am contributing to gentrification in jamaica, you are also out of your mind.  there are a few places as a white person i REFUSE to live for that reason, and jamaica is one of them.  i will not partake in this city falling apart, but i digress.

this is like an ongoing, daily struggle with my brain.  do i stay in nyc and buy something?  do i leave and go west to more relaxing surroundings?  i feel so lost.  i don’t want the same things as my current partner, and i have to move on.  i feel like i don’t know how to be happy.  i find life so overwhelming and just want something or someone to ground me, so i can stop feeling like i’m a lost puppy during my mid-life years.

* * *

on a less serious note, i feel stuck for a number of reasons.  i know it’s such a stupid thing, but the feral cat we care for in the backyard loves me.  i would feel like i’m abandoning her, i’d also be annoyed i’d be losing the cross island for cycling, i love walking around over here – especially when the trees are fully bloomed with green leaves – it’s so damn pretty.

the bad def outweighs the good, but i can’t just up and leave at the moment… so i’m just stuck.

September 1st, 2020 @ 5:49 pm

i’m coming up on the end of “how i met your mother” and it’s always so depressing.  it’s one of my favorite shows, whether i’m fully paying attention or not, and i hate when i won’t have the vibe of the show anymore.  it’s something i love to binge, fully focused or not.  it’s a show that leaves me in tears laughing most of the time…  but in the last season, there’s way more depressing shit going on as it’s coming to a close, though.  this one hit me in a different way this time:

“it’s never gonna be how it was… it can’t be… and that doesn’t have to be a sad thing.  there’s so much wonderful stuff happening in all of our lives right now, more than enough to be grateful for, but the 5 of us hanging out at maclaren’s being young and stupid, it’s just not one of those things.” – robin scherbatsky

watching friendship dynamics change over the years, friends start dating/marrying/having kids and you no longer being a priority, having friends move away, yourself moving out of a neighborhood, your “cheers” and old haunts closing, etc. – it’s so depressing thinking about it.  for me, it’s like drowning.

steven was driving through ridgewood the other night and i could just cry.  i miss being over there… i miss seeing lauren all the time, i miss being in williamsburg with lauren all the time, i miss all of the places we used to frequent that are gone, i miss how different and how simply happy we were then.  i miss paying $700 for my stupid little apartment and doing whatever the fuck i wanted to, because i was single.  i miss working in dumbo and not having to commute very far, being surrounded by art all the time, etc.

there was stress in my life at that time, too, though… i don’t know what the fuck i even miss sometimes.  losing my job was heartbreaking, my dating life was horrible until i found mike, none of my friends really lived DIRECTLY near me, and i was putting in a lot of the effort, etc. – i guess like robin said, it was just me being young and stupid, just hanging out – freedom, fun, how it was.  it was easiest with lauren.  just the best times…

i was hanging out with so many different people back then, but not serious friendships – it was fun and inspirational because a lot of those people were artsy.  street artists, artists, musicians, etc. – meeting so many strangers on the old instagram, pre-algorithm days… just a plethora of inspiration everywhere.  shit is so stagnant here in bayside.

anyways, sometimes getting older and dynamics changing just hits me really hard in the feels.  that was one of them times.

October 13th, 2019 @ 10:37 am

time warner (i refuse to acknowledge that dumb new company name) decided to start advertising that they’ll soon be streaming “mad about you”.  if you don’t know what it is, it’s a 90s comedy sitcom about a married couple living in NYC, dealing with day to day life situations.  i loved the show when it was on back in the day, but whenever i hear the damn theme song now, i get all PTSD about it.

WHY YOU ASK?

tl;dr: my first boyfriend in high school (who i lost my v-card to) – i used to sleep over his house.  i prob said i was sleeping somewhere else, but his parents were usually asleep early, so we’d hang out and fool around at night.  that show would always be on for some reason, and we’d fall asleep together with it on in the background.  apparently i wasn’t sexually adventurous or consistent enough, and he eventually left me for my “best friend” at the time.  i have always associated that theme song with him and that small, horrible window of my life.

read more…

June 24th, 2014 @ 1:42 pm

i’ve lived alone since january 1, 2010.  i moved into my super inexpensive, basement, studio apartment in ridgewood… and i loved it.

when i first moved into my teeny apartment, it felt so weird.  i remember thinking to myself often that was in bed, and i was also in my kitchen.  it took a really long time for me to get over that…  i almost felt like i was in a glorified dorm room or something.  i had always lived with my mother and sister, so it was also quite lonely when i got there.  it was a horrible time for me in life as well, so that didn’t help.  i had just lost my awesome apartment in brooklyn, no thanks to my shithead roommate, i had to move back to my mother’s house for a few months, and the kid i was dating broke up with me around that time.  i was stuck in this horrible rut and then i was lonely.

my apartment wasn’t close to where i grew up in the ‘burbs, so i barely saw my best friend sophie, unless we were doing our holiday cocktail lounge friday’s.  my friend that used to hang out with me at my BK apartment suddenly dropped off of the face of the earth (i’m guessing bc it was no longer convenient for her to commute to my place? AND it was a small apt), and everyone else was just far.  i tried to do new things to keep myself busy, and tried things that were out of my comfort zone…  i hung out with new/random people, went to the local bars, went to shows and met people, hung out with guys that were NOT in my circle of friends (which was totally awkward).  i didn’t feel satisfied at all doing all of these brave new things.  strangers are fucking awkward, and the dudes i was meeting all bored me or weirded me out.

i didn’t really start getting comfortable until my life started coming back together.  i had moved closer to jes and we were spending more time together, i had met my best friend lauren and i was going out to and watching ranger games again (bars), i started hanging out with my other close friend steve, then i met elbow…  then one day i had realized that i was happy, and that i loved living alone.  no headaches, no fighting, no having to converse after a long day… i could just come home to complete and utter silence.

:SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEE:

THENNNNNNNNNN my landlord in ridgewood had died suddenly, and his kids sold the building. the person who was buying it wanted to move into my basement apartment, so i had to go.

read more…

March 14th, 2013 @ 12:31 pm

oh! hey world,

i forgot to tell you…
my boyfriend and i moved into a spacious two bedroom apartment two weeks ago!

how adult of me!

😀

July 20th, 2011 @ 11:40 pm

i’ve kind of been in this personal rut for a while, and usually when shit starts to really get the better of me, i just take the reigns and hit the refresh button.  since i can’t control most of my surroundings that are affecting me, i will change what i can.  i figured it was time to buy a new domain…  i owned my last domain since june of 2004, and for two years i kind of fell off of updating it.  i only really started using it again in 2008 and since then, it’s full of a lot of personal turmoil.  break-ups, fights with friends, moving out, being miserable and single, confusion, etc.  i feel like it’s like dirty bathwater or something.

things keep changing around me, but i’m at this awful standstill.  my heart is again is bruised, the company i’ve been working for, for three three years, has dissolved, my best cousin (who is exactly a week younger than me) is pregnant and about to be a mother within the next month, one of my best friends is on the verge of practically being engaged and is moving in with her boyfriend next month, my family sucks, i live in an annoying area of queens – kind of out of the way for most of my friends for daily hangout sessions, etc.

i’m just like…

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i’ve been meaning to get myself a PMA tattoo for a few months now. i want this tattoo somewhere visible, so that i’ll always have that perspective when i need it. maybe a forearm or the side of a wrist.  like life in general, instead of bitching and moaning about my seemingly shitty life on this website, i’ll try to feel positive vibes and not have it polluted with complaints about my personal life. i want to not drive myself crazy or throw pity parties. #F5

so i kind of just wanted a new domain name…  so i purchased this domain after this deftones song. it’s my third domain named after a song, and it’s one of my favorites off of the album “white pony”.