September 19th, 2023 @ 12:01 am

welp, i’ve reached level 42… i’m officially 42 years old.

how da hell did this happen?!

September 21st, 2021 @ 11:56 pm

welp, i turned 40 the other day…

i am not happy about it, and i’ve been trying to figure out why it freaks me out so badly.  as mentioned in my last post, an aunt of mine died this summer and my uncle passed away last week – my mother’s only brother.  mortality just keeps testing me…

my mother is most likely less than 20-30 years away from no longer existing.  she’s plagued with rheumatoid arthritis and was a smoker for YEARS (not to mention would sit inside with my family full of smokers and she went out to places when you could still smoke indoors for decades).

i know that is so fucking morbid to think about, but it’s so much more obvious as i’m getting older, and i fucking hate it.  it’s hard enough getting through this shit pandemic, but losing family members after not being able to see them, while facing aging is just…  a lot.  especially 6 days before my birthday.

i feel like i’m being melodramatic about age 40, but i feel like the older we get, the faster time flies.  no one in my family makes it out of their 80s.  how fucked is that?  i’m now halfway there, over a tiny hill.

i imagined turning 30 to feel like this, but it didn’t.  i loved my 30s!  i was so scared to hit my 30s, but they were good to me.  this bullshit didn’t hit me until this ungodly number.

i’m feeling very confused and midlife crisis-y and i can’t wait to go on vacation next month.  i need an escape from reality for a bit.

September 5th, 2020 @ 11:38 pm

you’re a bittersweet little shit.

as a kid: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, but was also hyped because it was my birthday (this def meant a trip to toysRus in douglaston and/or new toys to tear open via presents).

as a teenager: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, i’d have to deal with bullies and bullshit, my summer upstate was ending BUT it was near my birthday, so i could score new clothes/sneakers with the segue that it was my bday as well as needing new school clothes.

as a 20-something year old: i loved it because i was no longer in school, i was just working.  if i wasn’t hanging out with jeff, christina and our friends would take late night drives around the ‘hood or random ass trips upstate just to go to hot topic (before it was big, don’t judge me).  i was just living without a care in the world, and it was just a lovely reminder that autumn and halloween were near… until september 11th happened.

since 2001: i love it because it means we finally got TF out of summer and it’s coming up on my favorite seasons and holidays of the year, but then i see the memorial lights.  those lights make me feel like that day all over again, and i cry.

i’ve honestly forced myself to do things on my birthday since that year.  i put in effort like 5 times since then.  once when i lived with my friend roommate/old friend christina (we had a ridiculous/epic house party), when i turned 25 my ex brought me to florida/disney for a few days, when i was dating sceave we rented out the knights of columbus bc our bdays were a few days apart and for my 30th bday, my sister/bf and bff threw me a big shebang at holiday cocktail lounge with a ton of my friends.  every other year the only thing i do is get dinner with my sister and mom.  we used to have the whole cake tradition at my mom’s house, but one year i finally broke down and told her i didn’t want my traditional strawberry shortcake anymore.  i think it put a damper on bday celebrations.  most bdays are a blur since my aunt necie passed away.  she was the only other birthday constant.

9-11 just doesn’t get any easier.  i didn’t lose anyone in the towers… but i did lose a piece of my city that day.  i gained fear, sadness and the city lost its umph.  anyone living here at the time will have a story – even if it’s not a directly linked story to anyone in the towers, there are just so many things tied to it.  emotions, how they got stuck somewhere, how they couldn’t get in touch with a loved one, etc. – it affected us all in some way.

they were testing the tribute in light last night, and through my middle window in the dining room, it was just a straight shot ahead beaming up to the sky.  it just brings me right back.

anyways, september.

it usually means cooler weather, i can wear pants and hoodies again, i usually go upstate to share my bday with my cousins (3 of us have bdays within days of each other, and one i share a bday with, actually) and hockey is starting aka the only thing i really want to do is go to a pre-season game w my friends, but i can’t do any of that this year bc of covid.

in 2020: i don’t plan on doing too much… i do have a tattoo appointment at 1PM, but we are still stuck in covidland.  this year, there is no pre-season hockey in september, in fact, it’s still the post-season because WE ARE IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE.  wtf even is baseball this year?  i can’t go out to eat or drink (i’m not doing that outside shit on bell or in manhattan/bk/etc, chill)… my mother lives upstate and she also has RA, so i don’t even think she should chance coming down here and being around any of us, just in case we’re asymptomatic… and my sister is in LA and not flying out at all this year.

so yeah, this one is extra depressing aside from a new tattoo and cool weather.

oh, and i’ll get to cut my bangs in again soon!  🙂
no more sweaty weather bullshit, woo!

/grumpySTu

September 23rd, 2015 @ 12:42 pm

i’m the self-proclaimed birthday grinch… i could give two shits that it’s my birthday. i don’t really try to make plans unless it’s a milestone, i don’t want any cake, i don’t do that thirsty shit where i post about it online… i’d rather avoid it altogether. i hate getting older.

HOWEVER…

i will ALWAYS make plans to go to shows around my birthday, and this year was a doozy! the adicts came around again and played on thursday, and rancid played on friday.

the adicts played after bands i had no interest in seeing (psycho/rockabilly bullshit). they didn’t go on until 11PM – which didn’t agree with me and sceave’s old people bodies (lol). i was also fighting some sort of sinus/cold thing for 2 days, so i was so fucking tired by the time we were done with the show.

rancid on the other hand, i knew i’d need to be 100% for. every time we see them, it’s a mosh fit fucking workout…

i went to h2o/rancid with an old friend (pun intended), and danced my ass off so hard that i couldn’t function muscle wise for 4 days… i’m also covered in tons of small, random bruises.  i actually ended up also seeing the great houdini at the show, and ended up dancing with/alongside him most of the night.  i love bumping into people at these shows that i usually don’t get to see…  when rancid took the stage, i ran right into the crowd so we weren’t stuck on the outside.  i instantly found my friends john and joe right away…  i ended up singing right into john’s face before i even realized it was him.  we were both like wtf, lol?  there was un pit shift and they were both gone.  missy was also with me and she didn’t want to go in the circle.  she stayed on the rim and i’d come back and forth, but i really just wanted to be in that circle dancing.  it’s such a good workout.  rancid always has the best crowds.  almost no douches, fun pits, and everyone is also scream-singing their hearts out.  i dread the day that i’m too old for shows/pits.  🙁  i live for those nights/vibes.

i keep having to go to shows at terminal 5, and it’s such a pain in the balls to get to.  i really miss roseland 🙁  that’s where i’d seen rancid before that for years… now this is their new spot.  it accommodates the large crowd that they bring in, so i guess they’re sticking with it.

October 5th, 2011 @ 3:30 am

walks, lol’ing with lauren, rangers preseason games, cleaning like crazy, breaking bad, sleepovers/dates with my michael james<3, the golden girls, friday’s, crazy nails, crafting, ricotta cheese, listening to miami horror/taking back sunday and the suicide machines, trying to find work.

september was awesome… october seriously needs to wake the fuck up and be just as awesome, and more.

since i’ve been freelancing for edit and no longer work there full time, i’ve been sleeping in every day until 11am. this is seriously making me a bum. i’m up until 3/4 am most nights, and that isn’t good… on the weekends, mike and i aren’t up that late, so i don’t know why my body is in so out of whack…

work has been super slow lately and it reminds me of why i don’t like freelancing… i haven’t struggled financially in ages, and now i’m budgeting… i feel personally embarrassed, and i end up getting super pissed off at the fact that i could never save a great deal of money over the years. helping my mother really killed me in the long run, but instead of bitching and pointing fingers, i’m just on the job hunt. (in case randolph and i don’t in fact launch our company…)

i interviewed with a spot the other day and it made me realize a lot of things. a lot about how to answer questions (even trick questions – who does that?) on interviews, how to be confident, that i need to sharpen SOME of my skills (but not all of them, mr. “i run a media company, but my website doesn’t even work in IE”… cough.) even if by some miracle i got called back for that job, i wouldn’t have wanted it… but it was a lesson learned and i got something out of it.

tomorrow jes and our friend missy are taking me out for a birthday dinner, but before that i’ll be meeting up with randolph to discuss starting our company already… i’d much rather work for myself and for him than a whole new gig…

September 23rd, 2011 @ 5:37 pm

sooooooooooooo i totally made it through my 30th birthday without crying about it. i know i’ve been making a huge deal about it, sorry. what an annoying broken record i am!

i thought it’d be bad, and my mother told me on her 30th birthday, no one could calm her down and she had to take a valium to finally relax… but i was chill.

the only thing that i had in fact cried about on my birthday, was my aunt necie telling me about how she was the first thing i looked at when i was born. and that i kept looking for my mom while trying to open my eyes for the first time.

she was telling me this while she was crying, which made me cry.

my aunt necie is my mothers older sister, and was like my grandmother while i was growing up…  she’s really sick with emphysema and i think that time is running a little short.  a lot is catching up with her and my mom says that she’s been trying to give things away and is getting super sentimental lately and stuff…

that breaks my heart.  i absolutely love her and it killed me to hear her crying.

sorry for the sad story, just wanted to let ya’s know i was braver than i thought on this birthday… lol.

September 18th, 2011 @ 11:18 pm

so i have one hour of my twenties left…  i’m watching twin peaks and eating donuts by myself.

my boyfriend is in DC on business and my cat is sleeping.  all i have is twin peaks, and the hunt for laura palmer’s killer.

oh, and the donuts.

bye bye twenties…

i think it’s hard to let go of this decade because it’s so full of youth… moving forward there’s only room to grow for another decade and then you just go downhill. that shit scares me.

in the last decade, so much shit has happened to me. good and bad. but it’s shaped me more than i thought my teen years had/and or ever could.

good and horrible friends, raves and shows, meeting my father/brother/grandmother, working at west coast and cascarino’s where i met some of my best friends that i still keep til this day, my longest relationships (that i’ll always love, even if we don’t talk anymore…), my stupidest love mistakes, moving out, finding most of my favorite bands, the best upstate times, tattoos and piercings, finding my digital creative niche and career, working in dumbo, mets and ranger games, crazy bell blvd nights, become closer with my sister, shows shows shows, vacations without family, being responsible for myself, etc…

mainly it was just becoming an adult, now i just feel like i have to be one, no exceptions…

i also think that i have this expectation set for myself that i was supposed to be financially set, married, maybe with a kid by now and i’m not.

i’m definitely not ready for that (and i haven’t wanted that anyhow)…

in happy birthday news, my sister and best friend planned a great party for me at my favorite bar, and a shit ton of my friends rolled through and took up the entire front of the bar… it was so great to have everyone there… i felt kind of bad that i didn’t get a lot of one on one time with many people, but i still tried to make my rounds.

i had my friend laura there and i hadn’t seen her since my birthday party that i had when i was living in midwood.  she’s so amazing…  she wrote the sweetest thing on my birthday sign and it made me miss her a lot. we always just pick up where we left off and all we do is laugh, she’s great. she told me that i was amazing and that she thinks of me all the time even though we aren’t hanging out together… i’m glad that i fully appreciated every shift i had with that girl at cascarino’s (in both stores), it was our designated hangout time, lol.

mike finally got to meet different friends of mine, and he even met steve.  which i was getting a little freaked out about because steve is my ex and he never likes being around my current boyfriends 🙁  which is totally understandable but we’re still good friends, so i wanted him there.

mike got me tickets to see danzig (and doyle PERFORMING MISFITS SONGS) for my bday and opening day tickets for the rangers! (and another game against the isles) – but i am super super psyched about opening day. i know i’m gonna be crying so hard if they have anything for boogey

i had a great time around great people.<3 thanks guys

September 13th, 2011 @ 1:16 am

sorry i’ve been neglecting this website AGAIN… what a fucker i am.

september has finally rolled back around, which means my birthday is coming upppppppp! (next week) – ugh, 30! #barf (apparently i’m STILL not handling it well) and that leaves changing will be just around the corner<333

anyways, i’ve got a lot to be happy about lately, which is why i guess i haven’t really been updating… aside from having another great vacation in salt lake, i’m feeling greatly inspired lately. i’ve been reading again, i downloaded a shit ton of new music that i’ve replaced or haven’t had before, i’ve obtained an amazingly sweet & sexy boyfrannn, i’ve got new clothes/shoes (refreshing), i chopped off all of my dead/dry hair (over eight inches!) and ryan callahan is the new captain of the ny rangers!

SO, aside from having a wonky work life, everything is feeling good lately.

in fact, so much that i’ve been doing a lot of thinking. mostly about people that i’ve cut out of my life, and i’d like to let that shit go. i’m getting older, and it’s nothing but bad energy.  unfortunately for me, some of the people i’ve cut out of my life still talk to people that i haven’t.  so it’s not like they’re never not in my life somehow, which kind of sucks.  at any rate, i’m huge on perspective and i really think i need to write down who i can’t stand, and why.  maybe i’m being irrational on some levels (although i doubt it), but if i can’t get them fully out of my life, maybe i should face what it is that i can’t stand about them to make sure that i’m handling it correctly. i just have zero patience for shitty people and the few people that are coming to mind i just shake my head at.

while i’m feeling this good, i want to tackle a bunch of things that bother me.  this year already, i’ve conquered three/four important goals and i just want to keep it going.

i didn’t get a new tattoo in utah this time, and i’ve got the itch.  i’ve gotta stop by three kings to make an appointment for my next idea: hockey sticks combined with autumn leaves in the shape of a laurel wreath. #fredperryinspired #UNF