July 22nd, 2021 @ 12:25 am

years ago, i dated a dude whose brother and best friend were obsessed with glassjaw…  i soon also became obsessed with glassjaw, and kept following along with other projects that came about via the extremely talented lead singer, daryl.

one of his musical projects ended up being a band called head automatica.  i was fucking THRILLED about this in particular, because this mixed up genre of a band was absolutely right up my alley.  i am extremely into new wave/80s/dance/electro anything, so this new band fit right into my repertoire of musical interests.  like, so right up my alley that it even featured tim armstrong (a dude from one of my favorite punk bands, rancid) on a pop dance track.  what in the actual fuck?! (but it worked…)

i grew up in the 80s and have always loved new wave (especially the weird, left of center shit), i love synthy pop dance stuff, i came into various types of punk on my own and went to raves in the 90s.  i feel like head automatica sounded like pieces of all of those things.  it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what they sound like.  i listen to all different types of music/bands and i don’t even know who to compare HA to.  when it came out, i guess you could call it some type of indie pop rock, because it (thankfully) wasn’t main stream enough to be straight up pop music, not that daryl would have allowed that shit anyway…  that was a genre we kind of what we kept shoving all types of “myspace bands” and indie into at the time.

so now that i’ve professed my love, i am here to profess my frustration.

i was looking around some archived bookmarks i have in my browser and came across this, which i had forgotten about:

first off: i didn’t take this video – it’s just on youtube… but i was at this show at blender theater, and i did get to witness this IRL and it was glorious.  i remember while this was happening, i was instantly like “this is going to be my favorite song off of this new album”, and proceeded to shake my fat ass in the crowd.

secondly: this song, nor the album it’s on were ever released.  they were performing songs off of the 3rd album live, soon before they were going to release it.  it was named “swan damage”.

i googled what i could about the release of that album, and came across a few things and articles regarding swan damage.  tl;dr: daryl wanted his projects off of the label they were on, and unfortunately that also affected the album.  he talks about it MAYBE being leaked someday, doesn’t say who or how… just kind of eludes to it.  unfortunately though, it seems as if he’s put all of this behind him.  as a fan waiting for this stuff, well, that selfishly hurts.

to me, head automatica feels like “well, it’s better to have loved and lost”.  like, thank you universe for letting us experience it, but we should just be grateful we had it at all?  uh, we could still have swan damage probably/maybe/who knows/i dunno/please just do this one last thing.

i dunno how that’s fair, but still we devoted fans still follow DP’s moves and punish ourselves, lol.

* * *

listen, daryl, you sexy bastid, if you ever see this post… please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please (zing!) release the kraken.  swan damage does NOT feel old to the people that have been waiting for years now.  we haven’t heard it over and over again.  this song above, i don’t know what the actual lyrics are bc it’s a bit fuzzy.  i want primo quality… i would like to see this in front of me again, when we can go to shows and dance my ass off.  the few swan damage tracks you did play during that era sounded so mature in the HA archive.  as aforementioned, HA wasn’t like most bands out there.  you did what you wanted.  i KNOW who inspires you musically (squeeze, elvis costello, the jam, etc.), and i feel like you were finally applying it to this project.  don’t get me wrong, i love “beating heart baby”, and fuck the label for wanting 10 of it… but that wasn’t my favorite track.  “the razor”, “laughing at you” and “cannibal girl” are probably my favorites, alongside the song above.  i don’t even know what it’s called… but i’m sure the mastered version would have been in my top 3, sir.

* * *

it’s so hard being a fan of daryl’s, bc while he’s a musician, he’s also a CREATIVE human being.  he moves fluidly between or onto new projects, and for us greedy fans that want more of something, we get the brunt of it and get impatient.  as a glassjaw fan, we had to wait 9 years for new EPs and 15 years for a full album.

on the other side of the token, i actually feel guilty having these feelings.  it’s not my business to get pissy about having expectations, i guess.  it just sucks that he was just kind of over it, when i felt like he was finding himself in such a great, creative place.  i feel like a label and it’s expectations killed this shit for all of us.

as for side projects, house of blow, head automatica, SPORTS, color film (bad saint… i melt. ♥)… they’re all so good!  i guess as fans we just have to cherish what we get blessed with by him and just be happy with it.

* * *

i got to meet daryl at an album release party via some rapper i used to know.  not only did he perform there that night, but we were all in VIP, so once i was drunk enough to actually utter words to him, i thanked him.  it was all i wanted to do, honestly, bc you know that whole “never meet your heroes” expectations thing…  i was at a loss for many words, but he was sweet when i said that to him, and i hope he knew how much i actually meant it.

we chit chatted about nonsense i’m sure.  at that very moment, i was schlepping vinyl records in milk crates for a mutual connection DJ friend, who had also performed there that night.  i remember him thanking me for knowing all the words to the house of blow songs (i’m guessing he saw me in the crowd singing along) and then asked me if he could hug me (obviously i said yes, and i remember that his leather jacket was so damn stiff, that it was hard to get a good one, but i still got one ♥).

anyways, my point is… i don’t know if musicians really understand just how much music touches people, but hopefully when we tell them “thank you”, even if that’s all we can get out of our star struck mouths, they understand what we mean.  music has always been a massive part of my life, and while i’m not a very emotional person, music always overwhelms me.  it powers me, it helps me, it makes me emotional… music is magical.

to have another chapter of head automatica would be amazing for us fans… just putting it out there.  maybe our other mutual connection that works at the shitty label will find a way to um, *cough*leak*cough* release it.

January 17th, 2021 @ 10:28 pm

ERMAGERD… this news cheered me up immensely!

i feel like maybe some people wouldn’t pin me for a fan of this song, but it’s one of my faves.  in fact, i’ve been building a list of my top 100 faves throughout my entire life since last year, and this will definitely be on it.  it’s a sentimental one for me.  when TRL first came about, i used to go over to my twin friends’ house and we would watch the whole countdown, and it was about the same time when this came out.  this was on there for what seems like forever.  just brings me right back to my senior year.

it was a bittersweet lil era…  a tough time.  i had just broken up with randolph, i was spending more time with new/old friends because i was kind of fighting with sophie, my friends just started going to raves which was changing our dynamic (before i started going), so it was kind of synced up to a transitional time, i suppose.  it’s also just a good fuckin 90s pop song.

i mean, if this year fucking deserves to come in with a biden bang, this is def a way to do it.  i’m glad gregg and co. aggreed to it…  this makes my 2021 hear very happy already, just with them playing the inauguration.

December 29th, 2020 @ 9:47 pm

there are just some songs that grab my cold ass heart and squeezes so hard that tears well up in my eyes and i get emotionally overwhelmed.  i really need to start a top 100 songs of all time list (maybe i’ll do it in 2021…), but here’s one of them:

this is one of those songs that make me miss the early 90s so much, i could just cry.

it is marie/mountainview.

it is coming of age.

it is me in my bedroom in whitestone – playing super nintendo, listening to z100, being creative or whatever it is my junior high school ass was doing.

LOOK AT THAT RANGERS JERSEY<3

♥ ♥ ♥

September 5th, 2020 @ 11:38 pm

you’re a bittersweet little shit.

as a kid: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, but was also hyped because it was my birthday (this def meant a trip to toysRus in douglaston and/or new toys to tear open via presents).

as a teenager: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, i’d have to deal with bullies and bullshit, my summer upstate was ending BUT it was near my birthday, so i could score new clothes/sneakers with the segue that it was my bday as well as needing new school clothes.

as a 20-something year old: i loved it because i was no longer in school, i was just working.  if i wasn’t hanging out with jeff, christina and our friends would take late night drives around the ‘hood or random ass trips upstate just to go to hot topic (before it was big, don’t judge me).  i was just living without a care in the world, and it was just a lovely reminder that autumn and halloween were near… until september 11th happened.

since 2001: i love it because it means we finally got TF out of summer and it’s coming up on my favorite seasons and holidays of the year, but then i see the memorial lights.  those lights make me feel like that day all over again, and i cry.

i’ve honestly forced myself to do things on my birthday since that year.  i put in effort like 5 times since then.  once when i lived with my friend roommate/old friend christina (we had a ridiculous/epic house party), when i turned 25 my ex brought me to florida/disney for a few days, when i was dating sceave we rented out the knights of columbus bc our bdays were a few days apart and for my 30th bday, my sister/bf and bff threw me a big shebang at holiday cocktail lounge with a ton of my friends.  every other year the only thing i do is get dinner with my sister and mom.  we used to have the whole cake tradition at my mom’s house, but one year i finally broke down and told her i didn’t want my traditional strawberry shortcake anymore.  i think it put a damper on bday celebrations.  most bdays are a blur since my aunt necie passed away.  she was the only other birthday constant.

9-11 just doesn’t get any easier.  i didn’t lose anyone in the towers… but i did lose a piece of my city that day.  i gained fear, sadness and the city lost its umph.  anyone living here at the time will have a story – even if it’s not a directly linked story to anyone in the towers, there are just so many things tied to it.  emotions, how they got stuck somewhere, how they couldn’t get in touch with a loved one, etc. – it affected us all in some way.

they were testing the tribute in light last night, and through my middle window in the dining room, it was just a straight shot ahead beaming up to the sky.  it just brings me right back.

anyways, september.

it usually means cooler weather, i can wear pants and hoodies again, i usually go upstate to share my bday with my cousins (3 of us have bdays within days of each other, and one i share a bday with, actually) and hockey is starting aka the only thing i really want to do is go to a pre-season game w my friends, but i can’t do any of that this year bc of covid.

in 2020: i don’t plan on doing too much… i do have a tattoo appointment at 1PM, but we are still stuck in covidland.  this year, there is no pre-season hockey in september, in fact, it’s still the post-season because WE ARE IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE.  wtf even is baseball this year?  i can’t go out to eat or drink (i’m not doing that outside shit on bell or in manhattan/bk/etc, chill)… my mother lives upstate and she also has RA, so i don’t even think she should chance coming down here and being around any of us, just in case we’re asymptomatic… and my sister is in LA and not flying out at all this year.

so yeah, this one is extra depressing aside from a new tattoo and cool weather.

oh, and i’ll get to cut my bangs in again soon!  🙂
no more sweaty weather bullshit, woo!

/grumpySTu

March 30th, 2020 @ 9:30 pm

with this annoying ass covid pandemic going on, i realized recently that i really have been through a lot as a new yorker.  not only do i have my own personal shit to deal with (family, friends, LIFE), but i have to deal with the times a changin’, technology a changin’, my city constantly a changin’, not being able to afford things, and then there’s the BIG bullshit.

my heart, my nerves, my soul, it aches… i am fucking tired.  either i’m training to deal for survival of any type of bullshit, or living here all of these years has shaved off 20 years of my life expectancy.  what i do know, is that all of this bullshit and the mildly technological time i grew up in gave me GREAT patience.

the point of this post was bc i was thinking about the last times NYC has had to deal with crazy shit, and i made a list from memory.  keep in mind, half of these happened when there were no cellphones, either:

read more…

December 24th, 2019 @ 2:46 pm

…people born in 1980’s have lived in 4 decades, 2 centuries and 2 millennia.

that shit is trippy AF.

i find it surreal that i lived through: corded rotary phones and touch tone landline phones (and i can remember what certain phone numbers sounded like – mostly my family and close friends), answering machines, flip phones, beepers, vinyl records when they were still contemporary, cassette tapes, vhs tapes, CDs, DVDs (which i still don’t find to be obsolete yet…), dial-up internet, AOL, myspace, aim, CRT tv sets, film cameras, camcorders, etc. and now all of that stuff is obsolete.

i also think having all of those things made me a very patient person.

did people from the 30s feel like this in the 70s?
were people born in the 50s feeling like this in the 90s?

December 15th, 2019 @ 2:09 am

01/01/10 – i moved into my first apartment by myself.  it was glorious.

i was still working down in dumbo at edit, i went to ranger games on the regs – sometimes multiple times per week, i was getting closer with my sister again, i hung out all the time with lauren, jen, jes and erica the most, i was being a miserable schlep bc of a guy, i went to shows all the time, i had hair down to my waist (it was when i really started dying it more), i was freelancing a lot, oscy was 5 years old, i twitpic’d more than i blogged, i flickr’d even more… i took my first instagram pic in november of 2010.

this new, exciting time gave me a lot of creativity, but towards the end of that year things became a bit stressful. as aforementioned in a recent post, i should try not to romanticize this era in my life that much.  as much as i now appreciate my tiny, CHEAP apartment that i had on my own… it was just one room.  my bed was in the same room as my kitchen.  it was at a time i was truly lost emotionally, and eventually that year, i lost the job that i loved very much. i wasn’t dating anyone for quite a while, and i was very lonely in a place where i barely knew anyone.

i was so glad to NOT be living anywhere near what i considered to be home (northeast queens).

* * *

12/14/19 – i currently live near where i grew up… aka home… aka where i never wanted to be again (by desire/suggestion of my current boyfriend).

i currently work in the hell hole that is midtown, near radio city (mind you, it’s fucking christmas time at the moment), luckily i’m at a company i really enjoy, they renovated madison square garden so now ranger tickets are too expensive to go on a regular basis – in fact, i MAYBE get to 3 games a year now, i see lauren here and there now (her work schedule/location of where she lives) – i purposely don’t speak to the three other gals that took up most of my life in the earlier part of the decade, i have been dating someone for multiple years now and we’re living together, i still go to shows – but fucking bands keep playing festivals and i could give a rats ass about going to a fucking festival, my hair is almost down to my waist again (heck yes, still dyed weird colours), i freelance sometimes but squarespace and wix are the cheaper alternative and i don’t argue it, oscy is going to be 15 this year (EW!), twitpic doesn’t exist anymore, i rarely blog and i definitely don’t do it on an open, personal level (thank you online stalker fatty), flickr has sucked asshole for a long time now, and IG – don’t even get me started.

my sister lives in LA and my mother moved upstate this year…

i feel family lonely.

my mother has stressed me out SO fucking badly throughout this decade, but most of all this year.  it’s seriously shaving years off of my nerves.

read more…

October 13th, 2019 @ 10:37 am

time warner (i refuse to acknowledge that dumb new company name) decided to start advertising that they’ll soon be streaming “mad about you”.  if you don’t know what it is, it’s a 90s comedy sitcom about a married couple living in NYC, dealing with day to day life situations.  i loved the show when it was on back in the day, but whenever i hear the damn theme song now, i get all PTSD about it.

WHY YOU ASK?

tl;dr: my first boyfriend in high school (who i lost my v-card to) – i used to sleep over his house.  i prob said i was sleeping somewhere else, but his parents were usually asleep early, so we’d hang out and fool around at night.  that show would always be on for some reason, and we’d fall asleep together with it on in the background.  apparently i wasn’t sexually adventurous or consistent enough, and he eventually left me for my “best friend” at the time.  i have always associated that theme song with him and that small, horrible window of my life.

read more…

January 6th, 2019 @ 2:16 pm

so when i was 16, it was the year of ball chain necklaces, kool-aid stained hair, airwalks, cool sk8r and pacific sunwear surfer shirts, jncos, etc.  i had been in love with gavin rossdale for like, 3 years.  bush was all the rage at that point.  i wasn’t as musically versed as i am now, so of course, they were the greatest band EVARRRRRRRR…

my first concert ever was bush when i was in 10th grade, and i felt soooooooo cool pogoing at an alt rock show (lulz).  that concert at madison square garden was actually the thing that brought me and my first love together.  the first time i ever spoke to him, he was wearing a razorblade suitcase shirt and it was the topic of conversation that i used to get to him.  for that, i will forever be thankful to bush, but i digress…

this afternoon, i stumbled upon a recent article talking about how fans hated the lyrics of sixteen stone and basically gavin was going on about his lyrics as artistic, magical and fluid and blah blah blah…  my eyes rolled so hard.  over the years, people have always accused him of riding the coattails of gwen, and it always used to upset me to read that.  she’s just in a different, incomparable category.  she was in a pop band, she had a pop solo career apart from NxD, she was running two fashion lines, etc. – she was all over the place.  in interviews, she used to say he didn’t love no doubt or her music.  she made him sound very dismissive and she also mentioned that only he listens to dark/deep stuff, which is clearly the opposite of no doubt.  those comments made it seem like he was unsupportive or jealous or something.  between her saying that and reading his interviews, he sounds like he’s got this weird ego where he thinks bush was this underrated, genius band or something.  it’s kind of awkward.  no offense to his talent, but bush had their moments, and then they did not.  lots of did nots.

bush faded out over the years and didn’t stand the test of time (i’m not mentioning post-razorblade bush, bc i totally fell off the bandwagon – just the early stuff).  in fact, i revisited razorblade suitcase today, and i sat here scratching my head as to how i ever liked it.  sixteen stone is still good, despite the bad lyrics (i have always questioned wtf he’s ever talking about in songs, no matter how much i loved them), but the real gems are the b-sides.

i rarely listen to sixteen stone in its entirety.  i REALLY have to be in a mood to listen to that type of music.  that happens to me with lots of bands, but that is definitely an album i only pick up once a decade, but i do listen to individual tracks on a more frequent basis.  “machinehead ” is an awesome song, still is in my mind.  i could probably listen to “everything zen” and “little things” on a more frequent basis as well.  honestly, i’ve always hit skip on “glycerine”, and i could live without it.

okay okay, i’m getting sidetracked…  THE B-SIDES.

so if you’re a kevin smith fan, you probably know the aggressively grungey song snippet “bubbles” from the movie mallrats, even if you didn’t realize it was bush.  i don’t remember what year i finally saw mallrats, but it was way before the internet was chock full of info as it is now, so i couldn’t find more info about it.  i always knew that i heard gavin’s voice in that tiny song snippet, though.  there was no b-sides or a single (that i can remember) released for it, and i don’t know why, but i didn’t think to buy the mallrats OST.  it kind of just remained a mystery for a long time.

this afternoon is when i youtubed that mallrats bad boy (listen to it here and LOL @ the comments), and while it’s VERY 90s, holy crap, that’s actually a good bush song.  like, i would listen to it today on a regular basis.  i went to see what it was on, and it says it was on a reissue of razorblade suitcase, along with 3 other songs – AND THEY ARE ALL FUCKING GOOD.  i am sitting here in awe and confused as to why that they never released these on studio albums or as singles.

maybe they were *tOo CoMmeRciAL* for gavin or something?  what a waste of singles that could have been doled out.

December 3rd, 2018 @ 10:31 am

picture it.  flushing, queens, 1997…

a confused, young girl in love is finally being exposed to her musical preferences that will set the tone for the rest of her life.  a sexy brown boy, skateboard readily in hand, ball chain around neck with airwalks on is showing her what actual punk rock is.  he shows her ska-punk as well, and she embraces it with open arms.

NO… punk rock is not green day (i still have a hard time calling green day punk, no matter if all of us 70s/80s babies came through that rite of passage or not), and 15 year old me is confused.

“BUT THEY HAVE BLUE AND GREEN HAIR…?” – her brain says
(still at that point, only actual rocker people had weird colour hair)

…he paves the way.

bands like rancid, goldfinger, bloodhound gang, no doubt, etc., but getting to the point here…  NOFX.

the moment i heard “i heard they suck live!!”, i was hooked.  the only exposure i had to punk that i can remember growing up was the ramones and green day (again, i thought it was straight up punk).  while the ramones were definitely more punk than GD, this was different.  this was faster, grosser and more vulgar.  also: there were horns?!

i heard this live album before i heard the actual albums these songs came off of, and still to this day, the album versions don’t sound correct to me.  this album is offensive as shit, but i always found it funny (ie: together in the sand, they talk about fucking your mother and then called her a hoe – i now know that slut shaming is wrong)

anyways, this album is going to be 25 next year (EW! plz kill me, i’m old), and i was thinking to myself about how fucking rad it would be if fat mike and the guys would do a 25 year anniversary show for it.  i would be there in a heartbeat, with my beavis and butthead remote in hand (YES, I STILL HAVE MINE, AND YOU WILL ONLY UNDERSTAND IF YOU KNOW THIS ALBUM LIKE THE BACK OF YOUR HAND).

i made these absolutely ridiculous earrings yesterday (yep, from my actual 90s CD insert), which inspired me to listen to it while i straightened my glorious mane last night.  in addition, it inspired me to post this.  so, if fat mike + co., if you find this before 2020, please do this.

*~BONUS~* lastly:
picture it.  times square, 2016…

jessica and two co-workers are on their way to see the gin blossoms live at bb kings (I KNOOOWWWW…. how un-punk of us, lol).  we are in search of sustenance, when a co-worker suggests a restaurant that is too packed to even bother.  as soon as we step out, a man with a red mohawk steps in front of us.  male co-worker and i look at each other at the same time, trying to hold in our energy and excitement.  female co-worker is like “WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU 2?”.  we walk behind the mohawked man for half a block and i’m like “do we say hi?”, and he’s like “um, yes”, but does nothing, so i go for it.  i flag him down and ask for a picture.  mind you, aside from my hair, we do NOT look like a pair of punks.  we had just come from work, so he’s probably like “why do these people want a pic with me?”.  i wound up saying “hey mike!”, so i guess he put two and two together and obliges the pic and then chats us up with some small talk.  i’m star struck because i always am, and my adrenaline filled ass actually asks him where he’s off to.  :facepalm:

at any rate, i got this out of the ordeal:

OI OI OI!!!1

November 15th, 2018 @ 2:28 pm

punk and pop punk are my faaaaaaaaaave…  esp. REAL pop punk (ie: face to face).  this album makes my cold, tiny heart fucking swell.

♥ ♥ ♥ currently on repeat: ♥ ♥ ♥

September 12th, 2018 @ 2:46 pm

“nostalgia… it’s delicate, but potent. (teddy told me that) in greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound”.  it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. this device isn’t a spaceship. it’s a time machine.  it goes backwards, forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. it’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel.” – don draper

whenever i listen to certain music or watch certain shows or movies, i get into such a funk.  the quote above is so accurate that it nearly made me cry.

i’ve been lucky enough not to have lost many family members or friends throughout my life (yet), but i am awful with change, and that applies to so many areas of my life.  actually, i should rephrase that:  i haven’t lost many family members or friends to death, most specifically.  i have lost friends and i’ve had falling outs with family.  family stuff has been repaired, but some friendships just fade away, i pushed away or life happens kind of deals.  there aren’t many people that i truly miss that are no longer in my life…  but the ones who i do miss this way, it kills me.

this was inspired by the last post with all of that 90s goodness.  when i hear those songs, my little time machine brain goes right back to 1995-2003ish.  i can’t help but want to drown myself in that era of my life.  i miss the vibe of the 90s generally, although i’d never want to go back to that time because of the life wounds and heartache that it gave me.  either way, those songs really make me miss my friend randolph so very much.

he’s the one who taught me graphic design and how to code…  he was fated to be one of my most important life peeps.

he was my first love and ended up being one of my best friends even after he broke my heart into a million pieces (i was a teenager, it was dramatic…).  i even ended up working for him for a while and we’ve always stayed in touch until he moved away to dubai.  while he was here in NYC, i took the time i could have had with him for granted and only saw him a few times a year, if that.

whenever i hear any 90s songs that were top 100 or whatever (ie: this song – not that i necessarily love it (i don’t)), they bring me right back to being 16 and waiting for a table at applebee’s at our local shopping mall.  it dawns on me that i want to give him a big ol stu-hug and hear his infectious laugh, and i can’t…  he’s no longer in the same borough, or just a train ride or two away, he’s 6,825 miles away.  🙁

he’s someone i can pick back up with after not seeing each other for two years like it was yesterday…  i miss him and his friendship so much sometimes i could just burst.

* * *

ugh, fucking nostalgia.

August 14th, 2018 @ 12:39 pm

this is such a summer album.  this came out the summer of my senior year of high school… takes me right back.

please note: (v important)
i have always skipped “adam’s song” and “all the small things”.
i hate them so much… i wish they would just go die in a corner.

May 10th, 2018 @ 12:50 pm

everyone keeps posting albums on instagram, uhhhhh i think their most influential albums or some shit (lol, clearly i’m paying attention on social media).  i’m guessing that means coming of age albums.  i don’t post shit like that on instagram, i actually still just post actual photos (unless it’s the occasional reminder post to follow my mobile wallpapers account so that you can see when i post new ones), so i figured i’d do something like that here.

instead of most influential, i’ll do the first 10 full albums that i can remember from childhood (which are honestly still in regular/heavy rotation even today)… thank you, mom ♥

she’d drive around day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year with these albums on repeat, and they’re part of me i’ll never be able to shake.  these songs are always in my weekly/monthly playlist that i shuffle through.

read more…

May 7th, 2018 @ 12:46 pm

I’M NOT CRYING, YOU’RE CRYING!!!1

i have to be honest – i never really pay attention to the R&R HoF inductions, but of course i cared this year bc the cars were finally inducted!  i can’t believe it took so long for them to get there.

watching this induction was wonderfully overwhelming, as the cars are one of my faaaaaaaaaaavorite bands ever.  brandon flowers got to do it, and his love for the cars was pouring out of him while speaking… it was great.  i can’t believe it took him that long to get to know who they were.  brandon and i were born in the same year, just three months apart.  it’s kind of funny how that happened.  he discovered the cars while i was discovering all of the alt bands of the 90s, including weezer (funny enough someone in =w= played WITH the cars during the ceremony)…

i got lucky and i had young/rad people around me in the 80s the shoved all of that current music at the time in my face at a young age.  my mother was a huge cars fan, and my cousins mary and jimmy were teenagers at that time and used to let me watch the heartbeat city VHS tape with them.  i vividly remember being SO confused bc of ric walking on water during “magic” and i thought it was magic.  i remember thinking about how cool/naughty the video for “hello again” was, and i love that i was a warhol fan before i didn’t even know who warhol was.  panorama is probably not one of the cars most popular songs, but it’s one of my favorites, and the video was always one of my favorites.

i am so happy for them.  during their speeches, they thanked us fans.  it made me wonder if they even know how many “young” fans they know they actually have.  i read in an article a few years back that ric ocasek didn’t want to tour for many reasons, but one of them was that he thought a younger audience wouldn’t exist.  i got inspired to write him a hand-written letter soon after i read that, BEGGING him to tour for us one last time…  i have no idea if he ever got the letter, and i highly doubt it’ll ever happen.  if it ever did, it would definitely help fill my cold, black heart and make my measly little life a little more complete.  music is one of the only things that really makes me feel emotion in life, and it’s a big part of my social life.  when my favorite bands won’t tour anymore, life = over.

April 21st, 2018 @ 10:37 am

today is record store day!  i mean, there aren’t very many places to really buy records anymore around here… barnes & noble had records, but there are none in queens anymore.  there’s one comic booky store in roosevelt field that has them, but who knows if steve wants to get up and go out there today.  ANYWAYS, i got to thinking this morning.  i have that ridiculous crosley everyone and their mama has, and it B L O W S.  it sounds awful, and i need a better record player. i know i could just buy a technics and some speakers and call it a day, butttttttttt then i come across this gem:

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i’m dying, bc of course i can’t find it online *ANYWHERE*.  it’s a vintage sears stereo from the 80’s and it was like, made for me.  #DYINGGGGGG

read more…

April 3rd, 2018 @ 4:22 pm

🙂 🙂 🙂

October 16th, 2015 @ 11:00 am

i’m a complicated bird… i’m all over the place in interests.  i rarely post about sports, bc i feel like people are 50/50 on giving a shit about them.  i am on cloud nine today, so i just wanted to post about how proud i am of these mets (and yet worried).

we won the NLDS against the dodgers last night.  the last time the mets made it to the NLCS was in 2006, where we blew it against the cards.  this devastated me so badly that i stopped watching baseball altogether for a few years.  that’s why/how i started watching hockey again.  year after year, the heartbreak was adding up, and getting way too hard to deal with…

read more…

September 29th, 2015 @ 4:51 pm

almost 20 years later, and still one of my favorites… ever. ♥

BB16

July 1st, 2015 @ 4:12 pm

FFFUUUUU GOOGLE, I DID IT MYSELF!!!1

so two years ago, i posted about this seemingly lost WPIX indiana jones promo (please go read the post, so that i don’t have to write about it again, lol #lazyblogger). i was stumping google so hard, but i found a few people also inquiring about it… so i wrote to them about it as well. nothing ever turned up, so i emailed WPIX directly last november as a last resort.

it’s almost as if it didn’t exist… UNTIL TODAY.

i got an email in my inbox from one of their reps earlier that lead me straight to it!

sooooooooooo, if for some reason you too were looking for the WPIX “Raiders of the Lost Ark” movie promo…  here ya go (a blurb from my email is even in there)!!!1

other sources:
WPIX archives fb
WPIX archives fb post

P.S. sorry i haven’t posted in like, 5 months… i post randomly @ jaejess.com, so check there if you’d like to read my thoughts, and i’m lacking here.

January 22nd, 2015 @ 11:28 am

i often whine about missbehave magazine no longer existing…  mainly because it was a MASSIVE inspiration to/for me back in the mid 2000’s.  that time in my life was like a 2nd coming of age for me.  i found my comfort zone in my adult life, creative life and career.  i started working on graphic design and web design again, i met jes, i got really big into graff, i broke up with andrew, i loved working on myspace contact tables, i found new music, i got pierced and started getting tattoos, i bought jewelry and clothing i wanted…  i basically evolved into the stu i am today…  it was just a very creative, colourful, inspiring time…  and missbehave happened to be HUGE at that time.

while my ex had subscriptions to mass appeal and juxtapoz, missbehave was thrown into the mix.  he would go through them, and then i would steal them and cut them into pieces.  i was big into collaging back then.  my bedroom walls, canvases, graphic design, etc. – unfortunately, that’s where all of my missbehave mags went… i cut them to pieces to use for art (RIP).  i regret doing this now, because i can’t lay around in my bed reading them, and looking at all of the rad/kitschy fonts and graphic design that would inspire me to start doing graphic design and making more t-shirts.  i can however (CREEEEEEEEEEP) refer to the waybackmachine to read old posts.  one in particular SUUUUUUUUUUUUUPER bummed me out.

clicky click here, then continue reading.

while missbehave is continually missed, even in the year 2014 (just look at how many pins exist), between all the (PACKED) events that took place, and the famous people that they had on their covers, and all of the radness that they brought into peoples lives… that article existed.

despite what i thought they were raking in with the print mag $$$, the deeper i dug into their old website, the crazier it seemed that their posts only averaged 15-30 comments (i’m being generous with the 30).

that is AWFUL.  so fucking sad, awful, lazy and what the fuckish.  how lazy and weird are we as website visitors/readers (i’m guilty of this as well), that we don’t regularly interact in comments?!  even on my websites, it’s a rarity that i get comments – but i still get hits, so people are in fact reading.  i’ve had personal websites and blogs since the 90’s, and the only time i had a high number of regular comments was when i had a static webcam to bring in hits (no, i was never nude) or when my little community of fellow cam folks existed.

so there’s a massive group of ladies that REALLY want missbehave to return, but it seems like we didn’t know what we had until it was gone.  open your mouths and be online friends, people.

nowadays, my instagram is the same shit.  i rarely post selfies, and when i do… 100+ likes.  if i post a picture my jewelry or something that is edited nicely and artsy fartsy, i average 20-40 likes.

especially when it comes time to my jewelry, that shit is deflating.

I HAVE OVER 570 FOLLOWERS – MOSTLY PEOPLE THAT I KNOW IN REAL LIFE.
man, people are fucking weird.

January 21st, 2015 @ 12:02 pm

i feel like steve and i will be back to california this year again, so i titled this one “early california”. we spent a lot of time trying to find scott niedermayer, so we didn’t stroll too far into tourist lands… nor did we really go north towards LA…  aside from the rangers/kings game.

1. our creepy ass/mile long hallway in our hotel.
2. my first day there, we got to hang with bee and we went to a rangers/ducks game.
3. NYR win it 4-1!
4. driving to the hollywood sign hike on mt. lee ♥ (that’s my dad’s name!)
5 & 6. we made it to the top – which was mighty hard.  there were so many steep hills going up that hike…  coming down was even harder, though.
7. while we were walking down, we took a wrong turn and ended up strolling around amongst these crazy hollywood hills homes.  i fell in love with the one at the top here.
8. on the way to the rangers/kings game, i found this awful billboard (FUCK LA).
9. steve and i at the game. ♥
10. NYR win it 4-3!
11. we moseyed on over to the violent gentlemen HQ for some hockey goods.
12. after our VG run, we went to the beach, since billy had never seen/been in the pacific ocean. 🙂
13. we moseyed on over to the ducks team store for a limited edition jersey for stevie.
14, 15, 16. i got to meet bryz, corey perry and bruce boudreau at the honda center.

January 16th, 2015 @ 5:39 pm

so i just got back from california again, and i got to hit up a few more halloween filming locations while i was out there. all of these locations were around the same area in south pasadena, so it was easy to kill a few birds with one stone.

halloween (1978):

the myers house. (1000 mission street)
this house was originally located a block or so away from where it is now. there are condos where the house used to be (across from the elrod house). i think it’s pretty insane that you can move a house, but i’m glad they kept it in tact and didn’t just tear it down.

the house is now home to offices, and on the front door they asked that we didn’t go up on the porch and what not. i took a couple of quickies, and kept on truckin’.

read more…

December 31st, 2014 @ 4:24 pm

things that happened within the last two weeks…

1. 🙁  korn passed away (RIP)
2. office xmas party!
3. i still have a lot of blue hair?
4. the disney store has RAD mirrors that i want in my adult bedroom.
5. it turned from autumn into dreaded winter.
6. rafael ramos’s funeral took over my neighborhood (RIP)
7. my boyfriend bought gold dipped sneakers. sneakers are weird.
8 & 9. horror pics from ian skelton arrived (#8 for me and #9 for my seester for xmas)!
10. i made a beautiful new ring! you can buy it here.
11. ricardo and i found abandoned coquito in the fridge here at work, so we claimed it.
12. the post is a piece of shit.
13. i FINALLY prevailed and got that SSUR wonder wheel tee that i wanted at a wayyyy lower price than the original.
14. while packing up my apartment, i found this stagebill from when i sang at carnegie hall back in 1995.

October 13th, 2014 @ 3:57 pm

if everyone knew even half the shit that goes on, woof.

…but i shall try.

July 24th, 2014 @ 5:27 pm

one 4th of july back when i was younger, maybe 1994/1995, we were at peter and clara’s (friends of my mother) celebrating out in huntington, long island.  they were living in a basement apartment of a house, that was located behind a small farmer’s market.  we used to go there pretty often, and his landlord let them/us use the backyard for bbq’s and get togethers.  so on the 4th of july that year, we were all hanging out in lined up lawn chairs in front of the market once the sun went down.  across from the market, there was a big, open field where we were watching fireworks.  just so that you can get a sense of what it looked like, click here and swing the angle around.

so we were all watching the fireworks, talking, joking when peter and clara’s landlord decided to tell us a creepy story about something that happened in front of the market.  back in the 1980’s, there was a couple that had been married for none too long, before the husband murdered his wife.  apparently, he had strangled her, bagged her, and left her body in front of an electrical pole — not 50 feet from where we were all sitting.  so of course my mother, who has a strong 6th sense, decides to go over to the pole to check it out.

as soon as my mother went over there, you could see she wasn’t comfortable anymore.  she definitely felt bad vibes over by the pole… she sat back down in the lawn chair to try to digest what she had just felt, and not even minutes later, this tiny black bird comes bee lining for my mother.  i was kneeling in front of my mother and i was trying to tell everyone it was coming right for us, and no one heard me.  my mother didn’t even realize what was going on, i’m guessing it was because it was really late at night, so no one saw it.  the bird finally decided to land, and it was right on my mother’s knee…

read more…

July 22nd, 2014 @ 11:20 am

the stones and the beatles outlived the ramones… how insane is that?
🙁

i wasn’t fortunate enough to be born in a year where i could have grown up to see the ramones play at their peak (sads.), but i was fortunate enough to at least see marky play (yes, i know he wasn’t an original, but whatever, he’s still a fucking ramone – and an amazing one at that). when the misfits disbanded for the 2nd time, jerry only brought on marky to tour with them, and they always had a ramones set – which was always rad and sounded great.

i have a billion memories of the ramones… first and foremost, and i always think of him when i’m listening to them – i’m forever grateful for my mother’s friend leo. i’ve posted about him in the past. the man taught me many things, one most importantly (i’m not even joking) – was to LISTEN TO THE RAMONES.

one day back in 1991, my mother had a wedding to go to. i have no idea why she didn’t bring her boyfriend at the time… i guess no one could babysit my sister and i, but she stuck us with him for the day. he probably didn’t know what to do with us, so he brought us to his friend leo’s house. which was mind blowing, a super-rad time, and definitely changed my life. yes, simply going to someone’s house on day, had changed my life…

read more…

July 19th, 2014 @ 1:16 pm

i have always been a (neurotic) virgo and always backed up certain things on my computer at all times…  apparently, my bookmarks are one of them.  i was looking for something in my bookmarks about an hour ago, and i came across a folder that said “From Internet Explorer”.  i sifted through the folders, and i think i must have organized a lot of them into my current browser. there aren’t that many still lingering, but one of them was a folder of my friend’s online journals.  going through them was very nostalgic, funny and sad all at the same time (they’re journals, duh).

the first one i came across was my exgf caryn’s.  i don’t know if we were even really speaking at the time that she had it (2004ish)…  i had broken up with her (a million times, 😐 sigh) and dated jeff right afterwards.  jeff and i had dated for almost 4 years, and that’s when her journal existed.  some things didn’t seem familiar to me, like one of her exgf’s, and when she started hanging out with this one girl meg…  i hate that there were times that weren’t good between us, aside from being my ex, she’s been a good friend and in my life for a very long time.

when i was reading through her journal a little bit, i was laughing because there were so many of those surveys that we used to take back in the AOL days.  like your full name, fave colour, things about your current bf/gf, future kids names, favorite bands, etc. –  those were fun.  i remember in the AOL raver reply all list surveys, we used to do them all in different colours and add 1-line ascii art to them…  so good.

back when i had my first website, that shit was so beyond invasive. i don’t know who reads this now, but i still get a decent amount of hits (:::blinks:::), but back then, it was dramarama bitches that i hated skimming my posts.  i couldn’t always say what i wanted bc it would spark an uproar between friends, or for myself.  so corny.

caryn, along with other friends that used to have journals, just wrote WHATEVER. which goes back to the post i had the other day (or was it over a week…? lazy blogger)… i was talking about consistent blogging, and not to totally repeat myself (which i feel that i often do, especially while complaining about being a lazy blogger) but i want to try to keep up with posting.  if anything ever happened to me, it’d be amusing for the ones i love to go through this, i’m sure.  i used to get lost in ryan’s journal after he died, so i imagine someone would want to go through mine.

i feel like twitter/instagram make me lazy and not post here, tbh.

July 13th, 2014 @ 10:56 pm

one of the hardest deaths that i’ll ever have to face in my life happened last week.

i haven’t been giving into the sadness of it all, as with everything else emotionally handled by myself. there are things that have been randomly, suddenly striking me… but i haven’t been sitting around for hours on end weeping yet. i am so afraid of when that’s going to happen. i assume it will happen soon, seeing as that her birthday is july 20th. maybe not… maybe it’ll be this year, when i don’t receive a card with her beautiful handwriting. most likely on christmas, because i spent every christmas eve with her until a few years ago… i don’t know.

i just can’t even put into words how broken my heart is.

i can still feel an aunt necie hug.
i still remember the smell of her perfume.
there are just too many things.

all of these little things i never think of are now surfacing…  steve and i went to the shopping center in douglaston, to grab groceries and i realized it was where aunt necie always used to take us to toys r us.

steve drove by her house the other night and i totally lost my shit.

i hate to sound like a selfish, naive person, but i don’t know how i’ll live without her in my world.  🙁

i can still feel her grabbing my hand at the hospital.
i can still hear the moans, because she couldn’t speak anymore.
i can still see the way she was staring at everyone so strongly, letting us know she knew it was us.

i will never forget those things.</3
seeing and hearing my aunt like that was so hard.

June 12th, 2014 @ 12:35 pm

at one point in our 20’s, sophie and i used to go to holiday cocktail lounge every (or at least every other) friday, so we became regulars there.  we got friendly with the bartenders, and sat up at the bar vs. hogging a table for ourselves in the back booth-filled area.  one night, we were sitting at the bar and some guy that looked suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper familiar to me came bouncing in.  i had mentioned to sophie that i thought i knew who he was, but i figured the odds were pretty slim.  i was thinking he was famous/well known here in NYC, so i didn’t want to bother him.  i figured no one else in the bar knew who he was, because no one else was gravitating towards him aside from the people he showed up with.

at one point, he came up to me and complimented my hair and nails.  he grabbed my hand and inspected them.  we were joking around and having random convos and i had mentioned that i really wanted to buy a flask.  home dude went upstairs (apparently he lived in the building), and returned with a flask for me! 🙂

i didn’t keep it because it was all sorts of fug, but i do love the story.  he didn’t stay very long after he brought the flask down for me, and the only other person who knew who he was the bartender, lou.  lou only knew who he was because he lived upstairs, and he got to know him via the bar.

aside from being an inspiration via the fashion world, i’ve always loved the fact that he was one of those club kids.  i was a teenage raver that hung out over by the cube/astor place, so that always hits home for me.

i started a new category (NYC gems) for things that have fortunately happened to me over the years, just because i was here in this city.  i love how weird/small-world NYC is (sometimes), and i seem to have stumbled upon some really cool/weird situations over the years.

man, i love being a native new yorker.