September 5th, 2020 @ 11:38 pm
you’re a bittersweet little shit.
as a kid: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, but was also hyped because it was my birthday (this def meant a trip to toysRus in douglaston and/or new toys to tear open via presents).
as a teenager: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, i’d have to deal with bullies and bullshit, my summer upstate was ending BUT it was near my birthday, so i could score new clothes/sneakers with the segue that it was my bday as well as needing new school clothes.
as a 20-something year old: i loved it because i was no longer in school, i was just working. if i wasn’t hanging out with jeff, christina and our friends would take late night drives around the ‘hood or random ass trips upstate just to go to hot topic (before it was big, don’t judge me). i was just living without a care in the world, and it was just a lovely reminder that autumn and halloween were near… until september 11th happened.
since 2001: i love it because it means we finally got TF out of summer and it’s coming up on my favorite seasons and holidays of the year, but then i see the memorial lights. those lights make me feel like that day all over again, and i cry.
i’ve honestly forced myself to do things on my birthday since that year. i put in effort like 5 times since then. once when i lived with my friend roommate/old friend christina (we had a ridiculous/epic house party), when i turned 25 my ex brought me to florida/disney for a few days, when i was dating sceave we rented out the knights of columbus bc our bdays were a few days apart and for my 30th bday, my sister/bf and bff threw me a big shebang at holiday cocktail lounge with a ton of my friends. every other year the only thing i do is get dinner with my sister and mom. we used to have the whole cake tradition at my mom’s house, but one year i finally broke down and told her i didn’t want my traditional strawberry shortcake anymore. i think it put a damper on bday celebrations. most bdays are a blur since my aunt necie passed away. she was the only other birthday constant.
9-11 just doesn’t get any easier. i didn’t lose anyone in the towers… but i did lose a piece of my city that day. i gained fear, sadness and the city lost its umph. anyone living here at the time will have a story – even if it’s not a directly linked story to anyone in the towers, there are just so many things tied to it. emotions, how they got stuck somewhere, how they couldn’t get in touch with a loved one, etc. – it affected us all in some way.
they were testing the tribute in light last night, and through my middle window in the dining room, it was just a straight shot ahead beaming up to the sky. it just brings me right back.
it usually means cooler weather, i can wear pants and hoodies again, i usually go upstate to share my bday with my cousins (3 of us have bdays within days of each other, and one i share a bday with, actually) and hockey is starting aka the only thing i really want to do is go to a pre-season game w my friends, but i can’t do any of that this year bc of covid.
in 2020: i don’t plan on doing too much… i do have a tattoo appointment at 1PM, but we are still stuck in covidland. this year, there is no pre-season hockey in september, in fact, it’s still the post-season because WE ARE IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE. wtf even is baseball this year? i can’t go out to eat or drink (i’m not doing that outside shit on bell or in manhattan/bk/etc, chill)… my mother lives upstate and she also has RA, so i don’t even think she should chance coming down here and being around any of us, just in case we’re asymptomatic… and my sister is in LA and not flying out at all this year.
so yeah, this one is extra depressing aside from a new tattoo and cool weather.
oh, and i’ll get to cut my bangs in again soon! 🙂
no more sweaty weather bullshit, woo!