August 22nd, 2022 @ 1:24 am
wtf is life? i often find myself enamored with things happening for fated reasons… maybe it’s what keeps me from completely cracking up mentally and finding some type of magic in this seemingly meaningless and miserable existence. maybe it’s just a matter of making a decision that leads to somewhere. i guess it’s all just so fucking fragile, but i would like to think every time someone or something enters my life (and perhaps has broken me), it’s for a reason… a reason that leads me to better things. maybe it’s just nothing at all and i’m a delusional idiot.
* * *
had i not been working for a white rapper in 2005, i wouldn’t have my cat. without becoming a raver, i would have never ended up working for said rapper via my friend becca. if it wasn’t for my childhood best friend finding some rando guy from the south bronx on AOL, i wouldn’t have become a raver… had my mother never moved me to whitestone, i would have never met sophie. FRAGILE, I TELL YA!
* * *
either way, no matter what, things do happen. what do you do with the things? why do they happen? doooooo they happen for a reason? it’s crazy even thinking about how i end up in half of the sagas that are my life.
for the last month, i’m like ………..wtf am i doing? i just found myself in this WEIRD situation that i’ve never been in before. half the time i’m like, this isn’t really happening (bc it’s actually not) and once i eventually start making it a reality, then what?
i know this is all very vague, but i don’t openly out myself in personal situations on this website. i am just saying, i can’t believe how one weird little turn irl, online, etc. just puts you into a trajectory you didn’t see coming. sometimes you’re never prepared for it.
if this in fact is real, i’m gonna have to put on some big girl pants and that scares the shit out of me. i’ve been feeling stuck and unhappy for a very long time and turning 40 (and basically having a mid-life crisis) definitely doesn’t help matters. i get so nervous thinking about this, i could puke. i really hope this is not for naught.
i feel so overwhelmed and confused. i also recently started trying to acknowledge feelings again and being vulnerable, which leaves me crying more often than i usually do. i am so scared of dealing with emotions/feelings and especially communicating or showing them to others bc of one REALLY bad relationship. when i try to talk openly about how i’m feeling about something, i feel like i’m coming out to my mom all over again. i can’t speak. i just freeze up… it might take me less than a day, but i’m really trying to not do that anymore and get things off my chest ASAP.
i don’t even know where i’m going with this post, i kind of just wanted to get thoughts out of my head an onto paper… er, in a post, no matter how vague or unfinished.
i’m really just trying to get my shit together so that i can be happy… and i really hope that my vague situation is some weird, magical twist of fate. i’d love more than anything to be a HAPPY human, instead of this miserable misanthrope (well, FINE i’m only like that 70% of the time, lol).