September 5th, 2022 @ 10:20 pm

this healing process has been mossssssssssssstly mild, but i also say this as a person with a high threshold for pain.  the first two days were pure hell, but only because of the air that was trapped within my body from the surgery itself.  i could feel it all over the place – reddit kept suggesting there would be gas pain – specifically shoulder pain and boy were they not wrong.  i read that the air hits some nerve by the diaphragm that makes you feel like it’s up in your shoulder, but it’s actually not (the phrenic nerve).  some was pain but other gas pains were just uncomfortable and like torturous tickling.  if i tried to laugh or twist my body left or right even an INCH, the air would move and it was unbearable.

i read to take gas-x, which i did purchase for myself, but i really didn’t feel like it did anything for me.  the first night, i took 2 after 10PM, then one in the morning.  the directions said not to take more than 4 within 24 hours, so i didn’t take another one, especially bc i didn’t feel like it was doing anything for me.  i was luckily pooping and tooting just fine, so i figured my body would start getting rid of the air itself.

the next morning after surgery, i felt okay enough to walk, which they said would help with digestive issues/getting rid of the air, so i did about 4 blocks and back home.  the next day i did about 2 miles and i felt okay.  honestly, by day 3, i starting feeling better and more normal.  it sucks to bend down and to sit certain ways.  riding in cars?  terrible.  you feel every fucking bump.  otherwise, my incisions still haven’t hurt yet, but they’re finally SO ITCHY and turning yellow, which is a good sign.

this is day 6 for me and i’m doing most things aside from lifting heavy stuff.  i’ve done laundry, the dishes, i’m feeding oscy, i’ve gone shopping (with help), bathed, etc. – i just sleep when i feel tired, which has happened a few times and listening to my body as i go.  so far, so good.

***

the first thing i remember feeling when i woke up in recovery was my throat being irritated and me having to cough a lot to clear my throat.  my landlady who is a doctor told me the breathing tube was probably too big (ouch).  i would say aside from the gas pain, dealing with that was the most annoying thing so far.  i think anesthesia also affects the throat, though.  either way, if you’re ever going to have this surgery – stock up on some cough drops.

lastly, the one other thing i took away from this surgery was how many people you have to deal with – the HOOPS you have to jump through to get it.  i saw like 6 nurses and 2 doctors that day that made me outright say to them that i understood i was there to be sterilized, before they would sterilize me.  well, this post really hits home after living through that.  i won’t get too into it since it a hot topic, but i believe if half the people who are breeding and overpopulating this world would have to jump through the same hoops, we’d all be better off.  #sorrynotsorry

August 31st, 2022 @ 11:26 am

i finally got my dum dum fallopian tubes removed!

i really wish i would have known about this as an option years ago.  i don’t remember how i found out about this procedure, but i did ask my gyno back in 2014 and she talked me out of it.  not because i was on the fence about having kids, she said she’d only either tie my tubes (which isn’t 100% fool proof) or put some coil inside of the tubes (WTF? LOOK AT THIS SHIT FUCK OUTTA HEEEAAAAA).  i found a new doctor over here in bayside this year and she agreed to do it ANDDDD it was covered under my insurance bc it’s considered a “preventative service”.  i only had to pay for hospital fees and my anesthesiologist, apparently.

when i asked her about it, the first thing out of her mouth was “can your long term boyfriend get a vasectomy?” and i hated that question bc a) she’s a woman, c’mon… you’re supposed to be empowering me b) what if i break up with him and/or get raped by a stranger?  this is for ME.  you never know what the laws could end up being in a few years, i’m not taking any chances with a body that doesn’t ever want to be pregnant…

anyways, so far, this process has been easy aside from trapped air from the surgery.  this gas HURTS.  i can feel it all over my body, it’s the worst – my shoulders are killing me and my entire right side… woof.  the way that they do this surgery is laparoscopically – they fill you with air and operate through those holes shown above (the belly button and the two holes on the abdomen).

the interwebz say i shouldn’t be like this for too long.  i can’t wait to feel normal again.  i’m happy the incisions don’t hurt, at least.

so yeah… BABY FREE, BABY!

August 22nd, 2022 @ 1:24 am

wtf is life?  i often find myself enamored with things happening for fated reasons…  maybe it’s what keeps me from completely cracking up mentally and finding some type of magic in this seemingly meaningless and miserable existence.  maybe it’s just a matter of making a decision that leads to somewhere.  i guess it’s all just so fucking fragile, but i would like to think every time someone or something enters my life (and perhaps has broken me), it’s for a reason…  a reason that leads me to better things.  maybe it’s just nothing at all and i’m a delusional idiot.

* * *

had i not been working for a white rapper in 2005, i wouldn’t have my cat.  without becoming a raver, i would have never ended up working for said rapper via my friend becca.  if it wasn’t for my childhood best friend finding some rando guy from the south bronx on AOL, i wouldn’t have become a raver…  had my mother never moved me to whitestone, i would have never met sophie.  FRAGILE, I TELL YA!

* * *

either way, no matter what, things do happen.  what do you do with the things?  why do they happen?  doooooo they happen for a reason?  it’s crazy even thinking about how i end up in half of the sagas that are my life.

for the last month, i’m like ………..wtf am i doing?  i just found myself in this WEIRD situation that i’ve never been in before.  half the time i’m like, this isn’t really happening (bc it’s actually not) and once i eventually start making it a reality, then what?

i know this is all very vague, but i don’t openly out myself in personal situations on this website.  i am just saying, i can’t believe how one weird little turn irl, online, etc. just puts you into a trajectory you didn’t see coming.  sometimes you’re never prepared for it.

if this in fact is real, i’m gonna have to put on some big girl pants and that scares the shit out of me.  i’ve been feeling stuck and unhappy for a very long time and turning 40 (and basically having a mid-life crisis) definitely doesn’t help matters.  i get so nervous thinking about this, i could puke.  i really hope this is not for naught.

i feel so overwhelmed and confused.  i also recently started trying to acknowledge feelings again and being vulnerable, which leaves me crying more often than i usually do.  i am so scared of dealing with emotions/feelings and especially communicating or showing them to others bc of one REALLY bad relationship.  when i try to talk openly about how i’m feeling about something, i feel like i’m coming out to my mom all over again.  i can’t speak.  i just freeze up…  it might take me less than a day, but i’m really trying to not do that anymore and get things off my chest ASAP.

i don’t even know where i’m going with this post, i kind of just wanted to get thoughts out of my head an onto paper… er, in a post, no matter how vague or unfinished.

i’m really just trying to get my shit together so that i can be happy…  and i really hope that my vague situation is some weird, magical twist of fate.  i’d love more than anything to be a HAPPY human, instead of this miserable misanthrope (well, FINE i’m only like that 70% of the time, lol).

May 23rd, 2022 @ 11:16 am

when i finally moved out of my mom’s house, i moved to midwood, bk.  this was back in 2009.  it only lasted six months because of my idiot roommate.  he decided to just up and leave our place without:

a) putting me on the lease
b) giving me the landlord’s info
c) telling me he was leaving

…i figured once i was on the apartment hunt again, i’d branch out and move someplace different bc i had just survived living in a faraway place.  looking back, i don’t think i’d ever do that again – it was a million miles away from my roots (or at least 3 inconvenient mta transfers)…  i’m glad i had two friends down there back then, or else i would have been in a worse mental state (oh, being in your 20s).  anyways, at that time, i was looking at apartments in brooklyn heights bc i was working in dumbo, i looked up places in the bronx bc why tf not (and there were so many pre-war apt buildings that were cheap and had sunken living rooms – LE SWOON), but i ended up with an apartment plopped right into my lap via missy… in ridgewood, queens.

who knows wtf my life could have been had i moved to either of the other two spots i was eyeballing, but i’m glad it didn’t go that way.  my job in dumbo relocated not even a year later and the bronx?  who did i think i was?  lol.

* * *

it was at a time where you could still get illegal basement spots for under $1000.  it was a studio apt, but that’s honestly all i needed at the time.  it was just me and oscy.  i wanted to get out of the bayside area, i wanted to get away from my family and “friends” and my past life.  i wanted a fresh start and an easier commute to my job.  ridgewood ended up working out just fine and i thrived creatively in my little basement cave once i got into a friend routine with jes and lauren.  i was paying $700 for my little studio and i couldn’t have been happier.  i had laundry in the basement, the train was like 4 blocks away, it took 15/20 mins to get into manhattan, lauren and i were always in williamsburg, sophie and i were always in the village…  the best times.

* * *

from time to time, i check online to see what the rents are and what apartment availability looks like now, and what a shit show.  i just put in $2200 with two caveats: pets allowed and in-unit washer/dryer and THREE apartments came up in queens, lol.  as a single woman, if i ventured out on my own at this age, if you think i’m doing anything less than a 1BR, you are out of your mind.  why tf are there no apartments available with these two needs for less than $2k a month?!  wtf is going on with this idiotic city????????  i can’t.

i took off the cat filter and three more apartments popped up, all in jamaica, queens.  if you think i am contributing to gentrification in jamaica, you are also out of your mind.  there are a few places as a white person i REFUSE to live for that reason, and jamaica is one of them.  i will not partake in this city falling apart, but i digress.

this is like an ongoing, daily struggle with my brain.  do i stay in nyc and buy something?  do i leave and go west to more relaxing surroundings?  i feel so lost.  i don’t want the same things as my current partner, and i have to move on.  i feel like i don’t know how to be happy.  i find life so overwhelming and just want something or someone to ground me, so i can stop feeling like i’m a lost puppy during my mid-life years.

* * *

on a less serious note, i feel stuck for a number of reasons.  i know it’s such a stupid thing, but the feral cat we care for in the backyard loves me.  i would feel like i’m abandoning her, i’d also be annoyed i’d be losing the cross island for cycling, i love walking around over here – especially when the trees are fully bloomed with green leaves – it’s so damn pretty.

the bad def outweighs the good, but i can’t just up and leave at the moment… so i’m just stuck.

May 12th, 2022 @ 5:54 pm

may have i all your eyes and ears to the front of the room if only… if only for one second?

VERY IMPORTANT NEWS!!!1

BISSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH they had better play NYC or i am going to be so mad. the academy is… is on my damn near impossible to see list on my life goals page, man!

* * *

(this post title and intro featuring lyrics from the video below ♥)

February 7th, 2022 @ 7:18 am

watching rue in euphoria is rough.  she’s a freaking disaster area, and i constantly want to punch her in the face, but i don’t hate her.  i know she’s just acting the way that she is bc she’s an addict, but i hate how manipulative that makes her, which makes me want to punch her in the face.

read more…

January 25th, 2022 @ 12:56 am

i have so much shit to do this year… big stuff. i always make a bunch of “stress clouds” (write out the probs, cut them out into shapes of clouds) and i put them in a little cluster on one of my walls for perspective. i like to easily see the things i need to do, and tackle them one at a time.  i take them down and tear them up into tiny little pieces.  it feels great.

one of the biggest things this year is that i have a few health things that i need to sort out – i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to have my fallopian tubes removed fully, but my healthcare doesn’t cover it.  they DO however cover cutting the tubes (i don’t want them tied, i want them separated fully).  so i have to call my insurance and see what the deal is with that.

i think dealing with this whole pinched nerve in my neck/spine thing really pushed me directly into “make doctors appointments and go to the appointments”.  don’t think – just do.  that’s usually my motto for most things i need to do in life, but this pandemic really isn’t helping matters for me in that dept.  my focus for most things has been completely OFF for the last two years…  esp my health.

one of my procrastination projects is lasering off my freaking armpit hair.  i have such a pet peeve for shaving my armpits.  i have to do it every other day, and i’m prone to ingrown hairs, so it’s just itchy/painful and so annoying on a regular basis.

i clearly can’t get into the super big shit here, but i really can’t wait to see where my life is at the end of the year.  i haven’t felt like myself in a very long time for a number of reasons.  looking back, i felt really more comfortable with myself in certain eras – or did i?  i feel like sometimes we just romanticize times in our lives.  i don’t want to keep doing that, but i also want life to feel like that NOW…  not when looking back.

i feel like i don’t belong in nyc anymore.  i don’t know what’s here for me.  am i waiting for cliche happiness to find me here?  how come great things never find me?  i’m sick of looking.

i have set a goal for myself for queens/nyc one last time for the next couple of years.  if i can’t accomplish those things, i want to hightail it out of here.  there has to be more than dodging the past like an obstacle course in bayside, not looking at places my family used to live that have died (it’s so fucking depressing), seeing favorite places that have closed, not being able to see people like i used to, watching my neighborhood change into copy+pasted, ugly orange brick, marble detailed houses nobody asked for, everything being so fucking expensive for no reason (rent, especially), living paycheck to paycheck bc i’m sending money to my 401k and savings just to make sure i can survive later in life, reliving past lives being in certain places…

it’s just all so fucking overwhelming.  i need peace, calm vibes, trees, cool weather.  i need to look out of my apartment windows and see the leaves of trees – just GREEN lighting up my place.  i want nature and a skyline at the same damn time…  i can’t have that here.

oh wait, i probably could in my dream areas of manhattan, but i can’t fucking afford it.

* * *

my one beautiful escape here in this adolescent hell hole, is riding my bike.  i can’t do that with this windy ass winter, fucked up spine/neck discs and pinched nerve, AND my favorite issue (/s): two dudes i used to date/fuck are always on my route.  one i want to avoid like the plague, and he’s always at this one park in the early AM w his big scary pit bull (before kids are around) and the other one is a guy that i will probably never fully get over (not in a psychotic way, just a “bad timing/one that got away” way – i never really think of him/that situation until i see him).  every time i see him, he always calls me over, we shoot the shit and i am brought right back to that time it just pisses me off.

this is precisely why i never wanted to live over here again in my life.  i wanted to file all of this place under the “K BAIIIIIII” file in the back of my brain, yet here i am, like a big moron.  i have noooooooo idea why i agreed to live over here.  was i that enamored by a fucking park with a lake?  was it bc i was closer to my mom?  i guess i didn’t realize how long i’d be here…  four years later, i’m ready to tap out.

at any rate, i have the clouds in front of me.  there are like 10 of them…  here we gooooooooooooo!

January 17th, 2022 @ 10:33 pm

¯\_(ツ)_/¯
better late than never!

December 10th, 2021 @ 2:28 pm

i really thought i invented self-care when i was a teenager.

one afternoon when i was like 16-18 years old, i was in my old bedroom and no one was home.  i decided i needed to relax and wanted to take a bath to chill out.  i thought i was a genius for figuring out the combination of putting on relaxing music, using my bath pearls, lighting my gap dream candle and soaking my dumb little life’s teenage cares away.

the internet didn’t tell you to do these things back then.  it really just dawned on me one day that the collection of these things all at once would really help me mentally.

i thought of this today because i am going to see genesis live tonight (a bucketlist band for me! ♥).  i remember my  playlist consisted of phil, genesis, gloria estefan among other sad, romantic artists.

anyways, i couldn’t help but peek at the setlist for this tour, and for some dumb ass reason, they decided not to include “in too deep” or “hold on my heart”, which breaks my heart.  those are top 5 genesis songs for me.

the only saving grace is that i paid less to see them at the new UBS arena vs. sky high prices at the garden.  while i would have loved to have seen my philly boo under my favorite ceiling, i just couldn’t get through the queue, and even if i did, i couldn’t justify the pricing.

November 9th, 2021 @ 8:36 pm

i got off my ass and walk/ran 3 miles tonight.  i haven’t ran in like 3 years, and it was awful.  the first few starting runs are always awful, but i felt like my form was bad and i’m just so much more muscular and heavy now.  it just felt awkward.  i didn’t run for most of the session bc i didn’t want to feel runners trots in the middle of a walk far from home, lol.

anyways, i need to burn off body fat.  cycling just makes my legs and ass bigger (woe is me).  after closing all 3 rings on my apple watch every day that i was in seattle last week, i figured i’d be good to keep up with fitness.  every day i was there, we did like 18-20k steps just strolling around the city.  i got back on saturday morning and i wasn’t jet lagged, but i just wanted to cuddle with my cat and decompress.  i had to manage getting off of my ass and go to an author signing, who also had the lead singer of a band i love there with him.  i went feeling half-human, but i’m glad i went.  on sunday, i met up with my co-worker in midtown and had to hustle from penn up to bryant park, and i did it full speed… so that wasn’t such a horribly lazy day.

i’m kind of pissed at myself bc all of july and august (and the first half of september, tbh) i kicked my own ass into a DAILY exercise routine.  i would do at least a 6-8 mile bike ride and/or 45 mins of aerobics every day.  i saw it paying off, and then came september.  i ended up having plans all of the time, and in the middle of the month… it was my birthday.  i had desserts provided (an entire tiramisu cake to myself, cupcakes, cookies, etc.) and laying around for the next week or two and then i just got completely busy, which made me extremely NOT into exercise.

now i feel all re-energized, and the holidays are coming up.  i pick the stupidest times to get into shape, lol.

i really want to lose like 30 lbs, not just gain new muscle… wish me luck.

August 28th, 2021 @ 1:56 am

i just got a zine in the mail a couple of weeks ago.  i read the first chapter and stopped, then kept putting it off bc i was still reading the latest don lemon book.  i wanted to finish that first bc my insane virgo brain can only do one book at a time.

i can’t believe i’m even reading at all, tbh.  i haven’t been able to read throughout this pandemic.  the last book i was reading was from my job’s take shelves.  i had been eyeballing it for weeks before the pandemic hit, and finally i scored it.  it was about a family that moved to a very rural area and got snowed into their house and were trapped.  at that moment in time, i didn’t want to relate to that book anymore and put it down, lol.

i haven’t been able to muster up enough motivation or focus to read since march of 2020, if i’m being honest.  i also completely dropped off of my podcasts.  if it wasn’t for me riding my bike regularly, i would probably not listen to music aside from when i’m in the shower.  this pandemic sucked the life out of myself and my attention span.

early in the pandemic i tried to read the great gatsby.  i figured it was a short book, it’d be easy – but holy shit, was it boring.  i don’t understand the fascination with that book, and i still have like 25% of the book to go (aka i will probably never finish it).

i currently have a pile of 20 books to be read.  i chose to read don lemon’s book bc it too, was short (and clearly important by what it’s based on).  i jumped onto the zine directly afterwards and next in the queue is “dirty daddy” by bob saget (i just watched full house straight through as an adult, and definitely need to read that asap).

anyways, the reason i was posting this …post, was bc after reading his zine, it occurred to me that i was reading about a stranger’s life for no reason.  he’s not FAMOUS, even if he’s known in the world he’s/we’re in (music/bands).  i was trying to think of how i even found him, and then i remembered that i found him bc of my job’s instagram.  he co-wrote a book for the lead singer of a band.  i’ll leave it at that for now.  my point is, since i found him, he makes me laugh on twitter and i’ve purchased stuff from him and i receive his e-newsletter…  i joined his audience.  isn’t that kind of a weird thing?  it almost makes me feel like a creepo, bc he doesn’t know who the hell i am.  yet here i am, blogging at almost 2AM on a saturday morning to who knows who?

it made my brain go back to blogging.  i mean, shit, i’m basically doing the same thing.  blogging in 2021 is WAY different than 10, 15 or even 20 years ago.  i don’t think there’s a community anymore, there used to be interaction, but it’s not like that anymore.  now we all just type to no one (unless you’re on medium, i suppose).  i can see in my stats that people are here.  who are they?  why does anyone find me interesting?  all i do is complain, lol.

well, his random stories inspired me to write.  i’m not a writer in any sense, other than i’ve been doing this blogging shit for 20 years…  but i do love stories.  i love telling them and reading them, so i thought it would be cool to do the same thing.  at least try to keep doing it here, but additionally, i’m going to post certain types of content on my instagram, since it’s private.  at least i know there creepos that i loathe can’t see it.  whenever i do themed posts, people interact more (reading my JHS diary, lip syncing videos, lip syncing my mother’s recordings of her driving like a nut and cursing at people in the car, etc.).

i used to love making friends through my website(s).  i hope non-creepy people find this and like it, i just wish they’d reach out to me.  it bums me out that the internet is so different now.  i’ve thought about dm’ing said zine author – i do feel like he’s someone i’d get along with, but at the same time, maybe he doesn’t want to be bothered. who knows?

:: shrug ::

i’ll just keep commenting from the penny section of his IG and hope he takes notice someday ♥

October 18th, 2020 @ 11:44 pm

August 24th, 2018 @ 12:40 pm

remember how i posted that i got a skateboard a couple of months ago?… well, this summer was too humid and hot to go out and sk8.  that sounds dumb because skateboarding was basically born in hot ass SoCal, lol, but personally – after trying to do it 2/3 times in the heat, i decided to put it off for a while.  i hate summer heat, it makes me super nauseous and miserable.  however, the other day it was like 68° outside and cloudy, so i grabbed my board and went out.

as we do in 2018, i youtube and google searched stuff about and for skateboarding beginners beforehand.  i followed boarders on IG and slowly gained confidence.  i think what really gave me the oomph was watching alexandria’s video on boarding for 30 days.  she made me laugh sooooooo hard, inspired me the most and helped me get realistically ready goal-wise with the help of rachelle vinberg.  i watched that video a couple of months ago and even dm’d her on IG thanking her and we chatted it up.  she’s super sweet and i told her once i’m comfortable enough on my board, i’m going to harass her into going to a skate park with me, lol (which she agreed to!).

watching all of these videos, i retained certain information, but realized when i was finally out on my board that i did not pay attention AT ALL to stance or footing after pushing (duh, the most basic thing you need to know aside from pushing, lol).  luckily for me, my instincts kicked in and i figured it out on my own.

that probably doesn’t seem like an important triumph, but i feel like every little thing you overcome on a board is a triumph.

i remember from the videos i watched, that everyone was basically saying to just set baby goals.  even from other videos of pro-skater dudes, they were just like “just push around for hours, days, weeks”.  i don’t have the luxury of limitless time as a kid doing it, so now i have to as an adult and it’s not easy.  i just want to cruise, not do tricks or anything, but it’s still work to just learn how to do that as second nature.

my first actual triumph was kick turning.  i stood on my board and wanted to find balance before i even started pushing, but my first intended goal was to NOT baby push.

i remember there was a girl who used to skateboard around whitestone and she looked like such a vagina bc she just did these tiny little baby pushes the entire time (and didn’t cruise?).  i never wanted to be that chick.  so my first goal after my first triumph was then to big push.

i sometimes baby push on a start when i hesitate, but if i find myself doing that, i get off the board and start over.  i do notice that while i’m rolling after big pushing i’ll sometimes baby push to keep up speed, and i don’t really mind when i do it then?  i dunno why.

anyways, once i started pushing a little more naturally, i thought there was something wrong with me as to why i wasn’t able to just get my feet into position quickly enough to cruise.  i was working blindly, alone and youtubeless…  but then i realized that i could gain my balance and cruise after simply putting my back foot on the board and then turning my front foot right after, lol.  again, this is blaring common sense and a DUMB little triumph, but still a triumph.

i think when you go out with such confidence, it’s frustrating that it doesn’t just instantly click on how to skateboard.  it’s not like learning to ride a bike.  i mean i don’t remember learning to ride a two wheeler that clearly, but it’s definitely different and less difficult.

being that skateboarding is a big part of my subculture, i’ve always been a little envious watching my dude friends just throw a board down and go.  when you watch people that just know how, you feel like they were born doing it, like they’re natural pros.  i just figured after like two times i’d have it figured out, but it’s something you have to work on.

i also kept in mind that i would fall.  i think going in with confidence, your goal is NOT to fall…  i found myself thinking that way while i started, but that’s stupid.  you are going to fall and it’s normal and okay to.  i got over it and i scraped up my knee and did two split falls on my first session and didn’t feel stupid.  in the end, that left me with more confidence to just keep going.

August 24th, 2018 @ 10:50 am

I FINALLY SAW SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA!!!1

i’m so glad i finally got to cross them off of my bucket list.  if you don’t know who they are (as i did not, until around 2011), apparently these dudes (or some of these dudes over time) were in a band called “at the drive-in”.  i didn’t really research too much bc i don’t care, honestly.  as soon as i saw that the lead singer was the dude from the mars volta, i was all “YUP that explains why i never bothered”.  i haaaaaaaate that dude’s voice.  so where a door closes, a window opens – and i love hearing jim ward’s voice spilling out of it.  much bettah!

♥ ♥ ♥

picture it… salt lake city, 2011:

an attractive peasant girl is falling asleep while getting a time consuming tattoo done (weirdo).  relaxing music was playing in the tattoo parlor…  she comes to find out after being woken up by her tattoo artist (lol), that the soothing, melodic music was a band called “sparta”, and an album titled “porcelain”.  she instantly fell in love and never looked back.

♥ ♥ ♥

unfortunately for me, i came across sparta during their own nap.  they had taken a hiatus 3 years prior to that day, so i had to wait all of these years for them to wake up and play.  it was worth the wait…  i am so glad to see them in such a small venue (bowery ballroom).  they also played my favorite song, which made my cold, tiny heart swell.

actual footage of me at the show:

jim also asked all of us to, if possible, to donate to his friend running for senate.  i’m assuming you being here are probably like-minded to me (COUGHCOUGHFUCKTRUMP AND COUGHCOUGHFUCKREPBLICANS AND COUGHCOUGHFUCKCONSERVATIVES), so i figured it’d be a good idea to post it here.  we need more progressive minds running the show, so show your support if you can.

July 27th, 2018 @ 6:00 pm

i got an invite from ladies love project to take part in a pop-up shop next weekend, but it fell through due to family illness or something with the curator.  i was kinda hyped bc i always love doing LLP pop-up shops – i meet awesome people there, drink & eat the best goods and make a nice lil bit o $$$.  it also would have motivated me, as i’ve kinda fallen off the jewelry thang.  i mean, i make stuff here and there, but i really need to photograph/edit and add to the site.  i’ve been so lazy in this apartment bc i can’t fully unpack all of my supplies.  i just have no damn room.

anyways, if you’re feeling shoppy, check out UNRULEDclub.  maybe i’ll add some new shit this weekend. 🙂

July 1st, 2018 @ 12:37 pm

so i’m re-watching shameless, and it’s making me miss chicago something fierce.  i mean, i’ve only been there once…  calm down, jess.  though when my sister and i were there, her friend had work, so we fended for ourselves and explored.  we weren’t stuck just doing touristy stuff.

i loved it there… i felt like it was home, plus the extra beauty of lake michigan.  i just instantly fell in love.  if life ever changes and i’m single again, i’m out there with the quickness.  i know i’m a preachy and proud queens chick, but my city has been taken over by a bunch of lame-o hipsters and greedy real estate developers and landlords.  there’s no saving it in my lifetime…  i’m over it.

June 27th, 2018 @ 8:16 pm

i don’t subscribe to that new years resolution nonsense.  i try to pretend the day doesn’t even exist, tbh.  i’ve always LOATHED new years bc it depresses me horribly.  anyways, i’m halfway through the year and seeing what’s happened and what i need to do.  these are the days i try to reflect… the summer days that make me want to die.  summer is the fucking worst thing ever, so i’m currently in air conditioning pondering life.

these are/were the things i wanted to accomplish this year:

• get a skateboard
• go on vacation
• get a new job (thanks, universe… for taking my stable one away and forcing me to be motivated?)
• pay off my credit card
• pay off old tax bill
• grow my hair down to my waist again
• grow my bangs out and leave them for the summer (LOOOOOL, i have but i give it til mid-august before i chop em again)
• lose 20 lbs (down 5/7 depending on the day/bloat, squeeeee?)
• move
• have the balls to dye my hair all black again – maybe if i actually grow it out again i will
• work on UNRULEDclub more/again – FIND A NEW POP-UP SHOP TO BE A PART OF
• see more friends
• remove my fallopian tubes
• go back to the pacific northwest and/or chicago
• new tattoo(s)
• switching over to arctic fox dyes
• buy or have a bat hoodie made (i almost did last year… sigh)

slowly but surely… 🙂

June 21st, 2018 @ 1:06 pm

i am soooooooooooo fucking lazy.  i bought a donny miller skateboard deck about a month ago with no parts.  i honestly really didn’t know wtf i needed to buy, and i didn’t want to get ripped off, so i put off buying anything.  i haven’t hooked up with my friend that i asked to help me build the damn thing, either.  i’m a lazy jerk.  look at how sexy it is, though:

i love donny miller so much.  he always hits the nail right on the head.  that’s actually in a book of his that i own, and to the right of the board is a donny miller tattoo.  yes, i love his art THAT much.  go check him out if you’ve never heard of him.

the only time i’ve ever been on a skateboard was when i was dating my first boyfriend in high school.  i have no idea what made me want to set this goal for myself, but i did, and i really hope i don’t kill myself on it.  i have to get off my buns and get my trucks and wheels and stuff.  i haz failed “go skateboarding day” 2018.  😐

April 14th, 2018 @ 12:59 pm

i get to cross off another goal concert this yeeeeeeearrrrrrrrrr!  SPARTA REUNITED AND IS PLAYING BOWERY BALLROOM THIS SUMMER AND I GOT TWO TICKETSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

i am so fucking excited.

October 19th, 2015 @ 4:42 pm

oh dear god, i need to park my fat italian ass in one of these so badly…

read more…

September 15th, 2015 @ 3:54 pm

i’ve been toying with the idea of a new york rangers tattoo for quite some time now… i never know what to get, though. i definitely would want it integrated with autumn, whatever i decide on. i’ve toyed with the idea of autumn leaves in the shape of a laurel wreath, traditional style, liberty logo, something with MSG (outside or the ceiling), something with a “30” incorporated… i don’t want the shield because it’s got too much white in it, no one ever gets the blue correct, and i hate negative space in tattoos. what it always boils down to is the liberty logo or generally the statue of liberty (wearing a jersey?).

i started re-watching daria again last week, and at the end of every episode there are alter egos to the left of the running credits. lo and behold, jane as the statue of liberty popped up, and an idea was born (left). it might need some tweaking (and the addition of daria), but it’s a start.

and speaking of daria fandom, can we just talk about my SWEET photoshop skills circa 1997…

October 13th, 2014 @ 4:01 pm

(lmao… i look like a squished barbie in the panoramic picture that rob took.)

last year, one of my instagrammy friends had gone to visit the old TWA flight center at JFK (it’s not been a functioning terminal since 2001).  i had missed it, and set a goal to go this year.  there were talks of it become a hotel, but i don’t know how true it is.  either way, i didn’t want to chance it.  if in case this was the last year, i wanted in on it.

i’ve always been super into architecture and modernism when it comes to decor style, so this was right where i wanted to be.  i wish i could see it fully restored, but i’m glad i got to experience it either way.  the ground floor lounges/bars were amazing and reminded me so much of Kubrick’s visual style.  i wanted to move my life into there and never leave.

i went with rob (yes, he has again reappeared in my life since our fight in late may).  something keeps drawing us back to each other, i’m guessing this time around it’s friendship (i didn’t want to romanticize it).  it’s very weird timing, because i kept recently having random dreams of him and even feeling like i was going to run into him or something.  last friday, i had a dream about him, and that very morning he emailed me.  soooo weird.

anyways, we had a nice day…  we did the TWA tour, and then went to smorgasburg before watching the ranger game at night.

i forgot what it’s like to just have fun with him, since i got so immersed in the bullshit when we were “dating“.

being just friends could possibly work… 🙂

October 13th, 2014 @ 3:57 pm

if everyone knew even half the shit that goes on, woof.

…but i shall try.

July 19th, 2014 @ 1:16 pm

i have always been a (neurotic) virgo and always backed up certain things on my computer at all times…  apparently, my bookmarks are one of them.  i was looking for something in my bookmarks about an hour ago, and i came across a folder that said “From Internet Explorer”.  i sifted through the folders, and i think i must have organized a lot of them into my current browser. there aren’t that many still lingering, but one of them was a folder of my friend’s online journals.  going through them was very nostalgic, funny and sad all at the same time (they’re journals, duh).

the first one i came across was my exgf caryn’s.  i don’t know if we were even really speaking at the time that she had it (2004ish)…  i had broken up with her (a million times, 😐 sigh) and dated jeff right afterwards.  jeff and i had dated for almost 4 years, and that’s when her journal existed.  some things didn’t seem familiar to me, like one of her exgf’s, and when she started hanging out with this one girl meg…  i hate that there were times that weren’t good between us, aside from being my ex, she’s been a good friend and in my life for a very long time.

when i was reading through her journal a little bit, i was laughing because there were so many of those surveys that we used to take back in the AOL days.  like your full name, fave colour, things about your current bf/gf, future kids names, favorite bands, etc. –  those were fun.  i remember in the AOL raver reply all list surveys, we used to do them all in different colours and add 1-line ascii art to them…  so good.

back when i had my first website, that shit was so beyond invasive. i don’t know who reads this now, but i still get a decent amount of hits (:::blinks:::), but back then, it was dramarama bitches that i hated skimming my posts.  i couldn’t always say what i wanted bc it would spark an uproar between friends, or for myself.  so corny.

caryn, along with other friends that used to have journals, just wrote WHATEVER. which goes back to the post i had the other day (or was it over a week…? lazy blogger)… i was talking about consistent blogging, and not to totally repeat myself (which i feel that i often do, especially while complaining about being a lazy blogger) but i want to try to keep up with posting.  if anything ever happened to me, it’d be amusing for the ones i love to go through this, i’m sure.  i used to get lost in ryan’s journal after he died, so i imagine someone would want to go through mine.

i feel like twitter/instagram make me lazy and not post here, tbh.

May 2nd, 2014 @ 2:44 pm

2014… so far so good.

read more…

July 5th, 2013 @ 2:16 am

soooooooooooo i was deep into tag surfing #neckface on instagram one day, when i came across the most magical tattoo artist EVARRRR lauren winzer ♥♥♥

of course when i found her, and wanted to book her ASAPPPP, i realized quickly that she was based in australia 🙁  so i asked her when she’d be back, and she told me june 2013.  that was like a year or so ago, so i waited and waited and kept my love for her a selfish secret!  i thought since i hadn’t heard of her before, that not a lot of ppl knew about her, and that i could probably score an appointment from her while she visited next…  then i realized she was a hit on tumblr, so i thought i had to keep her even more of a secret 😡  if i couldn’t get an appointment with her, i’d simply just DIE! (jk, but seriously, i wanted one soooooooo baddddddly!)

one day a few months ago, my favorite blogger lovie pie sheena had posted about LW… and i almost had a heart attack.  i made her take down the post ASAP, lol.  as soon as i knew LW was booking appointments for NYC, i hollered at sheebs.  we dun did it last week ♥♥♥ 😀

i got oscy on my right leg! bzzzzzzzzz

sheebs got an amazing all seeing eye/pyramid.

i can’t wait until she comes back!  we had a blast with her, she was funny and sweet 🙂  not that i expected any less!

March 21st, 2013 @ 12:48 pm

JESS HERE…

at the beginning of this year, i started making earrings with lyrics/words/quotes on them… obviously i can’t fit all that inspires me on 3″ diameter hoop earrings, so i took to the t-shirt template. i have been compiling ideas for new york ranger fan shirts for like 2/3 years that i never put to use, so a couple of weeks ago, i just opened photoshop and went with it. i currently go through a website “redbubble(.com)” because i don’t exactly know if the t-shirt business would even take off – t-shirt companies are a dime a dozen these days… either way, i am not trying to step on anyone’s toes – i want to have fun/hitting close to home/true-fan shirts, and this is just my way of paying homage through something that i love – graphic design.

ANYWAYS… i met michelle via instagram at some point in the last few months and we connected on the wu-tang front. i make earrings and she does (amazing) cross-stitch pieces paying wu-tang homage. she’s been on the wu-tang blog before, she’s no stranger to wu-exposure and she included me in my first batch of wu-tang shirts. yeah, i’m actually being featured on the wu-tang blog, insane.

read more…

October 17th, 2012 @ 11:53 am

hey guys! sooooooo i’ve totally been ignoring my website (again, wth? i dunno…), but this time, it’s because of good reasons! aside from traveling and working full-time again, i’ve been crafting my butt off for jaejess. that hard work is paying off this year alone, no matter what the future of jaejess holds… getting to be a part of the ladies love project holiday pop-up shop this year, was a goal i was silently setting for myself, and we’re here – we made it. most of all, it’s so that we have a good time/meet great/new peoples.

basically, the LLP gals rent out a space and have a bunch of super rad vendors that craft amazing stuff. i’ve met a lot of cool people whenever i’ve been there to help support jes of toughlovenyc.

i’m extremely humble when it comes time to jaejess, i didn’t even think i’d sell as much as i have, so far. i don’t think jae and i market ourselves nearly as much as we should, but we’re a pair of busy ladies. so far, we’ve only really used our instagram accounts, twitter and i’ve been using pinterest here and there. to be able to bring my stuff somewhere to expose it to a bunch of new/different people is great (which is why i guess i’m so damn excited, lol).

that being said, if you’re going to be in the NYC area on november 17th, pretty please stop by the pop-up shop on the LES and say hi/shop/chill/browse others, etc.

i’ll have some pop-up shop exclusive earrings and the new headbands on hand, and it’d be great to meet you!

184 eldridge st. // 12-7PM

October 12th, 2012 @ 7:24 pm

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i’m a HUGE fan of the halloween movie series… my mother got my sister and i into these movies from when i was like seven. like, i know every word/sound/whatevers going to happen next… and i know most of the film useless trivia as most halloween fans do, which is why i was surprised when i had no idea that 4, 5 and 6 were all filmed in salt lake city… AND JUST BLOCKS AWAY FROM WHERE I STAY EVERY TIME I VISIT…

i got so. fucking. hyped. when i realized i knew where most of these places are located in reference to landmarks i set for myself, every time that i’m there.

so as soon as i found this out, i started compiling a list of all of these halloween filming location places that i wanted bee to take me while i was there… and she made my little horror nerd dreams come true. (luhh you grrrl<3)

here’s a quick halloween 4 rundown, in case you’ve never seen it: michael myers wakes from a coma, goes back to haddonfield to go after his neice jamie (jamie lee curtis’s daughter) after she’d been adopted by the carruthers family (script says jamie lee curtis’s character, laurie (his sister) was killed). rachel carruthers is the teenage daughter and a main character in the movie. that’s all i’ll say if you haven’t seen it…

annddddddddddddddd :begin horror nerd excitement post:

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June 12th, 2012 @ 11:27 pm

the other night, i decided to throw on halloween I and II.  it’s been ages, and sometimes i just need it.  when i was a kid, my mother always had the halloween movies on, and my sister and i loved them.  we must have watched them 93879847947 times.  in fact, i’m sure if you got us together in one room, between quotes from young frankenstein, the wedding singer, overboard, drop dead fred and halloween, you would want to shoot us.  we’re ridiculous.

back to the point of the post…  so i was looking at wikipedia info about the movie and its filming locations.  i had remembered that the first two were filmed in california, but i wasn’t sure about 4, 5, and 6.  so i googled it and found out that it was filmed on location in salt lake city.  the more i googled address’s, the more astonished that i became.  three of the main houses used in the film are literally blocks away from one of my best friends houses! …where i stay, every time i’m there! i couldn’t believe it.

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