August 15th, 2023 @ 1:34 pm

the faster you learn that life doesn’t hand things over to you, and that you have to get off your ass and make the changes you want to be happy, the better off you’ll be.

life is challenging for a lot of us, sitting around and settling is a massive waste of time.  being depressed, being angry, not fixing health issues, avoiding bills and other big issues, being friends with shitty people, dating or being married to the wrong person, staying at a job you hate, leaving things on the back burner when it’s hard… just fucking do those things.  don’t think about it, just fucking do it.  it’s not as hard as you think it is to change your own circumstances.

sometimes those things are scary to do…  hard to do… but you have to do them.  just deal with it and the issue is gone or at least in motion to change.  it’s really just that simple.  life is constant change and constant challenges, when all most of us want is stability.  the faster you learn that stability is never guaranteed, the better.

i find this shitty little life to be awful, but at least i tackle shit when i need to.  if i’m going to make it through this life, i’m at least going to do it on my terms.

i know i constantly say “next year” but this time i fucking mean it.  i have to get out of this apartment in general, i have a big decision to make about someone i love, i have to figure out if i’m moving out of NYC or not.  i’ve been putting this all off for way too long, and i’m sick of it.  i’m sick of feeling stuck, feeling set aside, feeling unlike myself and most of all, unhappy.

July 20th, 2023 @ 12:52 pm

i’ve honestly always hated working from home (wfh).  once i started doing it on a full-time basis, i realized the pros and cons quite quickly.  while i’m in the best shape of my life bc i have more time to walk/cycle, i regularly feel like a slob.

don’t get me wrong, i am gratetful that all i have to do is roll over and log into my computer, but dear satan has it taken a toll on me style-wise.  i don’t need “office clothing” anymore, which is amazing bc i fucking hate dressing nicely, that’s a plus – but i don’t necessarily need to get dressed at all.  i’m pulling anchorperson shit where i’ll just have a shirt on and i’m either wearing short shorts or undies on the lower half, lol.  i showed up yesterday for a meeting wearing a suicide machines shirt (oops) and i had to hide the name of the band with my hair…

i barely wear makeup bc i’m not leaving the house.  i have legit worn lipstick maybe 10 times since pandemic started? (i don’t wear makeup other than eyes/lips, but even then, i’m like “why bother?”)

i also don’t even use a bag anymore.  i have this adorbs little change purse that fits all of my cards, keys, lip balm and mints that i use – it fits right in my pocket.  while i enjoy the convenience of it, i hate it.  i was a bag person.  i loved cool bags…  i was a collector of lesportsac, dammit!

i guess i just miss having a bit more of an aesthetic.  i tweeted about this personal debacle once before and my friend said to just wear lipstick around the house “for me”, but i just find that stupid and wasteful.  bruh, my signature mac lipstick costs $23 per tube.  nah.

i think physically going to work gives you a sense of purpose, something to do – something to even dress for, and that seems to be a little lost on me.  i don’t miss dressing up, but i do miss being more like myself, which does include putting on eye makeup and doing my hair in funky updos and stuff.

i love seeing what people are wearing on the train/walking around the city… i kinda miss that, and contributing to it.  i do love me some extra sleep and commuting money, tho.

May 14th, 2023 @ 10:51 am

i just threw out oscy’s litter box (yes, 3.5 months later).  i left it in its spot bc i felt like it being there (and in my peripheral vision) meant oscy was still actively around.  it’s one of the last pieces of him.

i kept all of his wet food plates in a pile on my counter, i kept all of his wet food cans that i had ordered a week before his passing (for the outdoor cat) and the treats i put in his xmas stocking (also now for the outdoor cat).  i kept his toys, but they’re out of sight…  the litter box was the last thing, really.

i was just looking out the window, grimacing at all of the idiots going to the new restaurant on the corner at 10:30AM alongside all of the goons going to the hotel restaurant down the block, most likely for communion parties (barf), when i looked down and saw a couple of boxes i had packed for moving downstairs.  i have to start putting things away and cleaning up, so it’s easier to leave, whenever i do.  it finally felt right, i guess.

i feel like i’m erasing him, though that’s completely stupid.

anyway, i just wanted to note that i did it – a baby step, though i’m not happy or proud of it.
i hate this part of life.

April 24th, 2023 @ 4:10 pm

i’m a super patient person and i’m a virgo, so i let things pile up and not bother me until i’ve hit a point where i can’t take it anymore.  while i’ve become better at communicating with others, sometimes it doesn’t come out right.  the feelings i’m trying to communicate are usually all over the place and overwhelming because i let it all pile up OR i’ve not sorted out the feelings.

i don’t normally cave to emotion, but i’ve been trying to, so that i’m no longer a frigid ice queen.  whenever i do cave, others make me feel like i’m being defensive or over-emotional, while i just feel formidable.  it’s a horrible place to be when people make you feel that way when you’re trying so hard to be better…

i mean this in all aspects of relationships, not just romantic… but the romantic aspect is truly starting to get to me.  i don’t know if there’s one person for me in this lifetime, but i really wish someone would just accept me and make me feel safe and secure, not let me feel like i’m being over dramatic or emotionally immature.

i would love to be a little bit dependent on someone, instead of trying to be a strong person that doesn’t let anyone in.  i don’t mean codependent, just be able to let my guard down a little – not be such a control freak.  i want to try to be more vulnerable…  i really am so sick of feeling the way that i do.

April 9th, 2023 @ 1:27 am

“the separation’s tired, it’s been too long…”

never in my life since this album was released, have i ever related to this song (or many songs on this album, even though i’ve always enjoyed most of them)…  but here we are, and i hate it.

at what point does one admit they’re just a delusional fucking moron?
asking for a friend. 🙁

November 21st, 2022 @ 11:51 am

i hope next year is good to me.  it’s been a ROUGH four years.  between losing my job, being (mildly) mistreated by my s/o during that time, gaining a job a full year later, my mother moving away, losing family members to death, losing a friend to pride, gaining a friend back, getting finances back on track, oscar being sick, being single all over again, etc. – the ups and downs are killing me.

i just REALLY need some ups.

i tweeted recently that i can’t remember a time i was genuinely happy – esp for a longer period of time.  like, not stressed on ANY level, all at one time.  love, finances, living situation, family, friends, work, health, etc. – they never line up.  i’m sure they don’t for most people… but even if i could just have like half a year in adulthood without any stress, that’d be great.

i just… i feel really lost right now.

i want stability, love, fun – good things.  i hope they find me easily in 2023.

February 14th, 2022 @ 1:44 am

as if today hasn’t been difficult enough to deal with mentally, due to a very jealousy inducing and muting of an account inducing instagram post in my fucking feed (bc i feel like a totally inadequate piece of shit comparing myself to someone else)…  i was just swapping out my 17 year old dresser knobs at 1 AM (bc that’s what normal people do) AND THE FUCKING LAST SCREW GOT STRIPPED AND BROKE OFF AT THE VERY BASE OF THE KNOB.

well, fuck that,
fuck you,
fuck your convenient hookup,
fuck this fucking knob,
fuck that stripped screw,
and most importantly, fuck myself for being so fucking irritated about that post from earlier today.

i am so mad at myself for every ounce of energy of bad energy i have let myself feel today.

i also just got reminded that it’s stupid valentine’s day, not that i give a shit about it regularly, but all i ever want to do on this godforsaken hallmark holiday is go to a ranger game.  instead of it being today, there’s a game on TOMORROW.  there hasn’t been hockey all week…  i just want to check out mentally into sports and i can’t even do that.

i am tempted to gather myself and go to oscar wilde alone and drown myself in fancy/expensive drinks in a corner crying.  at least the surroundings would be pretty as i wallow in my own bullshit.

February 9th, 2022 @ 11:25 am

“feeling rather unappreciated could really wear on you today. while getting a bit more respect shouldn’t do you any harm, consider the possibility that you’re just feeling a touch over-sensitive. you don’t have to work every hour of every day to receive respect! the easiest way to encourage positive feedback would be to offer it freely — to others and yourself. they’ll probably appreciate the kind words and may also be inspired to offer some genuine appreciation to you in return.”

***

i don’t want to and shouldn’t have to explain to people that i need/deserve respect, appreciation, care, attention, etc. when they’re in certain roles in my life — i also shouldn’t expect people to give the same amount of energy, thought and respect that i give in return, but that’s all i really want and i don’t even want that much…  i want just enough to not leave me feeling like this.  it’s a terrible battle that leaves me sour on others fast.  why is it so hard to find equals in this life?