October 13th, 2019 @ 10:37 am
time warner (i refuse to acknowledge that dumb new company name) decided to start advertising that they’ll soon be streaming “mad about you”. if you don’t know what it is, it’s a 90s comedy sitcom about a married couple living in NYC, dealing with day to day life situations. i loved the show when it was on back in the day, but whenever i hear the damn theme song now, i get all PTSD about it.
WHY YOU ASK?
tl;dr: my first boyfriend in high school (who i lost my v-card to) – i used to sleep over his house. i prob said i was sleeping somewhere else, but his parents were usually asleep early, so we’d hang out and fool around at night. that show would always be on for some reason, and we’d fall asleep together with it on in the background. apparently i wasn’t sexually adventurous or consistent enough, and he eventually left me for my “best friend” at the time. i have always associated that theme song with him and that small, horrible window of my life.
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i’m so freaking nostalgic for the past, it’s nauseating. it got me thinking – if i could actually go back in time to return to a HAPPY time in my life, when would it be? it would have to be a time where i had nearly no problems in my life. i couldn’t remember when that was. like, just living and having fun and not having financial struggles, friend or family drama, no boyfriend or girlfriend dating bullshit, health issues, school or work bullshit, etc.
how terrible is that?!
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i narrowed one of the good times down to when i lived in ridgewood. i enjoyed living alone in my sweet little basement/studio apartment. when i first got there in 2010, i was wasting SO MUCH ridiculous energy on a bad breakup, i moved from a HUGE/GORGEOUS duplex (with two balconies and private rooftop access) in deep BK > going home to mom’s house until i found a new spot > to a studio in HIPSTERLESS ridgewood (it all felt like a massive, backwards downgrade). i didn’t know where stores were yet, i wasn’t near my family or friends – i had a few friends that weren’t far away, but not exactly right next door. it took me a few months to acclimate myself to living alone in ridgewood… now i wish i still was.
as much as i love my boyfriend, i really do miss living alone – and i DEFINITELY super fucking miss living over in that area of queens. when i lived in ridgewood, i was always with lauren, and it motivated me to be out and about more. it was my first apartment by myself, and i learned a lot about myself and life. it was a rite of passage era for me. i can’t romanticize it too much, though. like i said, i was lonely and very depressed for months.
my bff at the time just completely stopped coming over my house, after i was used to her sleeping over 3 or 4 times per week, in BK. until i started dating elbow, i was hooking up with a couple of people here and there, and that just didn’t make sense for me. i don’t have one night stands or sleep with strangers, so i wasn’t hooking up with anyone i wouldn’t have potentially dated. i only seriously dated one person while i was living there, and it was almost two years into living there. as much as i did grow in that little spot, i still had to find my footing, i had dating issues with two idiots before i found elbow, i lost my first adult web job that i LOVED almost 5 years in, i had falling outs with two “friends”, my sister moved to deep long island so i barely saw her, then my landlord died suddenly and i had to move in 2013.
on a positive note, i did start making jewelry and learned how to do awesome nail art while unemployed and living there. can you imagine? being able to pay your rent on unemployment, in NYC?! (thanks for ruining it, out of state fuckwads!)
after that, elbow and i broke up over bad shit. i moved out of my own place and into one with steve bc he was my best friend at the time – not my bf – and he always on the road for work (he’s not anymore). i figured if he was never home, it wouldn’t feel like i lived with anyone – and that was the case for a while, but then we started dating and he came off the road. it kind of slipped into a situation i didn’t want (that probably sounds harsh, but i really did just want to live alone). we found a GREAT apartment, but we lived directly underneath a family who had shitty little kids that ran and stomped 20 hours a day, and management would do nothing about it.
around the same time, it came to light that i had gained an INSANE and delusional online stalker that was associated to friends of mine IRL – including an ex, i had health issues, i landed and lost a great job within 5 years, my sister moved away to california, i moved back to dreaded bayside, my friends keep getting married and/or having kids and dropping off the face of the earth, i keep getting older, i dated idiots in between mike and steve (did i mention they used to be friends? sigh…), the rangers lost in the stanley cup finals, the mets lost in the world series, there was a hockey lockout, i was unemployed for nearly an entire year, etc. – TERRIBLE TIMES.
of course there were good times also – steve and i did some traveling before i lost my job, great concerts, fun friend memories, I GOT A GREAT NEW JOB and i’ve gone out to see my sister a few times… but financial bullshit, my mom’s life situations (she moved upstate among other things) and my living situations really put a huge damper on my sanity.
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i hated living in my mother’s last house. i don’t have good memories there. when we moved there, i was at a good crossroads with my sister, but then we stopped talking soon after. i was dating someone that wasn’t mentally good for me, who she didn’t like, and i was usually at his house. when we broke up, i started dating someone else – and it was nice while it lasted, he showed me that there were still good guys out there – but it was not in the cards for us. then i left 4 years later for good.
the only things i loved about living in that house, were my walks home from working on bell blvd and that i was super creative at the time. it was one of those times where i found an abundance of new music in my life, and it would be a good almost hour of walking alone in the dark ‘burbs, with no one around because it was after midnight. it was mind-clearing and relaxing.
i hated my room in that house, i hated all of the drama going on in my life between my sister and her former idiot friends, i stopped talking to sophie, breaking up with my ex at the time was so stressful, working at cascarino’s had so many ups and downs… it was a point in my life where i realized i had to stop acting like i was still 21 and actually grow up, and it was scary. three years in, i found my first job in my career and moved out. i guess i should thank my old boss for calling me a cunt and making me cry over nonsense, because that’s what drove me to looking for that job, and it set my adult life into high gear.
i started watching hockey again (i will forever be grateful to erica for forcing me to go to NYR games back in the day), which clearly set me on a social path for years (it’s how i met many friends, but most importantly, LAUREN), as well as becoming emotionally attached to the franchise again.
oh, and most importantly… i found oscy ♥
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2002 was the only year that i could come up with before hitting below the year 2000, which was full of dramatic bullshit. i had finally graduated high school (SO late and in night school, because i was a lazy moron before that. i was only two credits short and i just didn’t go back, but i didn’t want my GED, so i finished the right way), i was having so much fun working at the video store – life was pretty much still cellphone-less (and wonderful), i was so creative technologically at the time – it’s when i was super into graphic design and coding (i’d spend HOURS doing those two things, not realizing it would be my future career), i was dating this kid jeff and we had ZERO drama at that point – we were just in such a good relationship – we had fun, had great sex, watched tons of movies and tv, just always laughing and having a good time, i had just met my friend christina who i had SO MUCH in common with (music, tv, horror stuff, similar aesthetic, we loved taking road trips upstate all the time, IKEA trips, concerts, etc.), i was very close with sophie still, i finally located my dad and his family, i loved my old room in my old house so much. i didn’t really have much drama at the time.
i wasn’t making a ton of money working at the video store, but i was 21 and living at my mom’s house and always had enough “hang out” money. i guess that was sort of a “cruise control” year. jeff and i broke up temporarily the next year over some annoyingly stupid bullshit, there was other boyfriend AND girlfriend drama, i was being a drunken idiot on a regular basis, just completely out of control nonsense, christina and i stopped speaking over a guy (the tension began over another guy before him and it was unspoken competition bullshit for so long – it was so dumb). any time i was single for a couple of years, i would hook up with said guy, and it was just so dramatic and stressful. he returned from a tour, and by the time he finally told me he wanted to give dating a shot, i was already dating the guy i dated from 2004-2007.
what a difference a year makes, i guess.
before that, it was ridiculous bullshit between 1993-2000. it was all life inconsistency per my mom’s terrible decisions, being bullied in school, coming of age/puberty awkwardness, my best friend stole my boyfriend, i had to live in my mom’s bf’s living room for two years sleeping on a couch, idiotic boyfriends and friends i shouldn’t have invested in, etc.
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i have had TONS of good friends, times, ex boyfriends, experiences over the last twenty years. i’m usually laughing and overall happy, and i’m always trying to make others happy. i don’t mean to sound like a completely miserable asshole – but in between that good stuff lies the stressful stuff, though. the BIG stuff – the underlying foundation of nonsense that piles up and slaps you in the face sometimes.
i tend to let things slip to the back burner and it all hits me at once. i became an ice queen after dating one of my exes. i honestly would just shrug off any pain he caused and pretend it wasn’t happening, so that i could stay in the relationship. just pretend it wasn’t happening, bc i had hoped “he’d wake up one day”. well, he never did… and i never recovered. now i just apply that to all of life’s bullshit.
i think in 2020, i am going to start going to therapy to figure out how to deal with all of this shit i let pile up for the last two decades, so i don’t ruin the next two decades. i mean, how many do i have left, really?