October 13th, 2022 @ 12:16 am
it’s been a weird year, if we’re being honest, a weird few years. i have been so unhappy, anxious and unfocused for so long. i decided exactly a year ago, that i was going to catapult myself into an unknown. i found a side of me that had long been hidden away, but i also found myself constantly asking the universe wtf i was doing — and i always looked for signs.
i don’t believe in angels, but i still believe the universe has something magical going on in the background. i get a lot of these “angel signs” as the internet likes to label them. i see a lot of 111s, 222s, 337s, 555s…
111 = intuition – trust your gut and listen to your heart
222 = alignment – you are in the right place at at the right time
337 = my dad’s name upside down in number form (lee). ever since i met him in 2001, i look at the clock at 3:37PM
555 = change – something new is coming (growth, changes in relationships, changes in location, a new version of yourself, etc.)
what i was focused on at the time, i got mostly 222 and 555. i felt like it wasn’t applying to what the focus was, and i may have been right. i have always strongly believed that everything happens for a reason, whether it be good or bad. i have been battling mid-life crisis thoughts for the last couple of years and last year, i blogged about not having a 5 year plan. well, i think i might have finally hit a point in life where i actually need to sit down and figure one out. life recently smacked me in the face and maybe the 222s and the 555s make sense now.
i’ll be FORTY SIX in 5 years. what in the actual fuck? i know i still look like i’m in my early 30s, but i’m not. time keeps flying by and come age 50, wtf am i going to have to show for my age? i can’t keep spending money on dumb shit and not investing in myself. last year i started up my 401k again and i also started saving and while i was basically not putting anything in my savings account, i managed to stash away a nice chunk of change, not even really putting much in or very often. i think that’s a win, seeing as that my entire life i couldn’t save a dime bc of family obligations, rent, etc.
in addition to these changes since last year, i finally regained a lot of my emotions again. i know that probably sounds stupid, but i have suppressed a lot problems and emotions over the years. i’ve learned to compartmentalize and ignore things so they can’t hurt my feelings. i’ve felt icy for so long that i thought i’d never get my feelings back, then BOOM! it just hit like a switch one day… so many tears.
i started openly communicating feelings to a friend and being vulnerable helped with that even more. i started talking to even more people that way and i didn’t regret it… so i’ve been trying to do it more. it’s scary, but i can’t live the way that i have for the last decade anymore. it’s not fair to me, people i care about or whomever i’m dating. i needed to get back here. now i have to start making changes in my life so that i can be happy.
i guess my 222s were right (i hope… and i hope my 555s were right, too).
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♥ all things are delicately interconnected ♥