October 18th, 2020 @ 11:44 pm
"i am a weekday on weekends..."
39 years old
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Posts with the tag "life" in it.
August 20th, 2020 @ 8:44 am
since i am currently not tweeting, here are some microblogs in my brain from this week, shoved into one actual blog post:
1. it’s thursday and i’ve only biked 20 miles this week… LAZY.
2. i woke up with KoRn – falling away from me stuck in my head this morning… why?
3. YEAH OBAMA!!!1 (his DNC speech made me cry ♥)
4. holy shit, this new dove deodorant smells like clean queen… FINALLY
5. how is sweetener is 2 years old already?!
6. SUMMER IS ALMOST FINALLY OVERRRRRRRRRR =)))))))))
7. together, the HMIYM characters are so great, but barney stinson is probably one of my favorite tv characters of all time
8. dear satan, i had an EXPLICITTTTT sex dream w dan ozzi in it 😛
9. i’ve emotionally withdrawn from sports for the …….rest of the season? what is a sports season?
10. i restretched my ears within two days, after having my gauges out for over a year… OKAYYYY weak ass ear skin.
and most importantly: jonathan mattingly, brett hankison and myles cosgrove still haven’t been arrested yet for killing breonna taylor.
August 9th, 2020 @ 10:41 pm
i would like to preface this post with: if i’m not out riding my bike, picking up food, shopping in a store, going to a protest… i am at home. i’ve been this way since the pandemic started, and i don’t see myself going out anytime soon.
i have friends that won’t stop fucking traveling or going out (out to eat on the street, out drinking, BBQs, etc.). i don’t understand. i don’t want to be near any of them… yuck. that prob sounds so fucked up, but how are people this irresponsible going to other states with high #s of COVID cases?!
i have been around 3 of my boyfriend’s friends, kristen, my mom (once, with a mask on), matt siren, my landlady, my friend nat (once because she came up from miami and i haven’t seen her in like a full decade – we socially distanced), and my mom’s friends leo and john (who are basically my uncles) and my ex’s new wifey boo for a few mins.
THIS HAS BEEN MY PANDEMIC CIRCLE SINCE MARCH.
anyways, i was just thinking to myself, how the fuck have i not cracked up yet?
May 10th, 2020 @ 2:59 pm
i rewatched ally mcbeal again, and this hit me pretty close to home:
“the real truth is, i probaby dont want to be too happy or content bc then what?
i actually like the quest…the search. that’s the fun – the more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.
what do you know? i’m having a great time and i don’t even know it.” – ally
* * *
i am a person that loves and hates change equally. i am all about stability – long-term jobs, long-term relationships, constant places i like to call home, etc., but i also love change. i was moved around A LOT as a child, and never knew stability. actually, the only stability i knew were via my family. my aunts – their houses, the love and support. i think that’s why i hold those places so dearly to my heart. i think i just enjoy changes of scenery… i think back to all of the places that i’ve lived on my own in NYC in the last decade, and they’re like small, different lifetimes. i miss those places so dearly. the freedom of new adventures, new places, new people… now i’m in bayside and am so miserable.
i rarely fight with boyfriends in general, and steve and i rarely get into them, but the only ones are sometimes about our living situation. he wants to buy a house, and i don’t. he wants to live here in northeast queens (and would happily live in nassau county) and i don’t. while i understand the purchasing of property is an investment i agree with, i still prefer living in apartments. that would probably be my personal goal.
i have absolutely ZERO desire to be here anymore – especially with my family gone. it’s actually heartbreaking to be alone here in these neighborhoods without those people. it’s like ghost towns of a former life i can no long obtain. driving by my old houses, my mom’s house she just moved out of, my aunt carol’s old apartment or aunt necie and uncles joe’s house? i can’t even. it’s just too sad.
for me, this area is legitimately stifling.
anyways, the last one argument steven and i had, he actually told me it’s like i live to be depressed. i don’t remember how we got to that statement from the living situation discussion, but clearly it made enough of an impression on me to linger. i think what bothers me about it is that he said that as a bad thing. i derive most creativity and some comfort from being introverted/alone, being sad, having struggles (for lack of a better word). i don’t mind not being super happy, which probably sounds weird… but, that ally mcbeal quote above kind of summed it up for me.
i’ve always had the overall mindset that refreshing your life is good for you. it’s how i always handled breakups, friendships disintegrating, other hardships.
“sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free” – the bouncing souls
while getting over things is tough, those feelings eventually pass. i’m turning 40 soon and i guess it feels like another return of saturn for me. i need a serious F5.
December 29th, 2019 @ 12:17 pm
if you knew me IRL last year, either i was a completely miserable schlep or didn’t seem it at the time, because you were a distracting, shining beam of love. not having a job for most of last year was AWFUL… it was so depressing. i didn’t just lose a job, i lost my routine/sanity and friends, but i digress. i am here to talk about this year…
i actually FINALLY had a decent year, woo!
December 15th, 2019 @ 2:09 am
01/01/10 – i moved into my first apartment by myself. it was glorious.
i was still working down in dumbo at edit, i went to ranger games on the regs – sometimes multiple times per week, i was getting closer with my sister again, i hung out all the time with lauren, jen, jes and erica the most, i was being a miserable schlep bc of a guy, i went to shows all the time, i had hair down to my waist (it was when i really started dying it more), i was freelancing a lot, oscy was 5 years old, i twitpic’d more than i blogged, i flickr’d even more… i took my first instagram pic in november of 2010.
this new, exciting time gave me a lot of creativity, but towards the end of that year things became a bit stressful. as aforementioned in a recent post, i should try not to romanticize this era in my life that much. as much as i now appreciate my tiny, CHEAP apartment that i had on my own… it was just one room. my bed was in the same room as my kitchen. it was at a time i was truly lost emotionally, and eventually that year, i lost the job that i loved very much. i wasn’t dating anyone for quite a while, and i was very lonely in a place where i barely knew anyone.
i was so glad to NOT be living anywhere near what i considered to be home (northeast queens).
* * *
12/14/19 – i currently live near where i grew up… aka home… aka where i never wanted to be again (by desire/suggestion of my current boyfriend).
i currently work in the hell hole that is midtown, near radio city (mind you, it’s fucking christmas time at the moment), luckily i’m at a company i really enjoy, they renovated madison square garden so now ranger tickets are too expensive to go on a regular basis – in fact, i MAYBE get to 3 games a year now, i see lauren here and there now (her work schedule/location of where she lives) – i purposely don’t speak to the three other gals that took up most of my life in the earlier part of the decade, i have been dating someone for multiple years now and we’re living together, i still go to shows – but fucking bands keep playing festivals and i could give a rats ass about going to a fucking festival, my hair is almost down to my waist again (heck yes, still dyed weird colours), i freelance sometimes but squarespace and wix are the cheaper alternative and i don’t argue it, oscy is going to be 15 this year (EW!), twitpic doesn’t exist anymore, i rarely blog and i definitely don’t do it on an open, personal level (thank you online stalker fatty), flickr has sucked asshole for a long time now, and IG – don’t even get me started.
my sister lives in LA and my mother moved upstate this year…
i feel family lonely.
my mother has stressed me out SO fucking badly throughout this decade, but most of all this year. it’s seriously shaving years off of my nerves.
October 13th, 2019 @ 10:37 am
time warner (i refuse to acknowledge that dumb new company name) decided to start advertising that they’ll soon be streaming “mad about you”. if you don’t know what it is, it’s a 90s comedy sitcom about a married couple living in NYC, dealing with day to day life situations. i loved the show when it was on back in the day, but whenever i hear the damn theme song now, i get all PTSD about it.
WHY YOU ASK?
tl;dr: my first boyfriend in high school (who i lost my v-card to) – i used to sleep over his house. i prob said i was sleeping somewhere else, but his parents were usually asleep early, so we’d hang out and fool around at night. that show would always be on for some reason, and we’d fall asleep together with it on in the background. apparently i wasn’t sexually adventurous or consistent enough, and he eventually left me for my “best friend” at the time. i have always associated that theme song with him and that small, horrible window of my life.
October 15th, 2018 @ 11:40 am
i have a love/hate relationship with people and life. on a daily basis, i really wish i was swallowed and not a championship swimmer (gosh, that was graphic, sorry). while i highly doubt i’d ever take my own life, i often get yelled at for not valuing life. if it wasn’t for my family, select friends, my cat and music, i hate every fucking aspect of it and wish i wasn’t here… everything makes me so fucking depressed.
i don’t want to get married, i don’t want to have kids – and now my friends/fam around my age are all doing this, and all it does is bum me out bc they just disappear off the face of the earth. also, i don’t want to hang out with you and a kid. sorry, not sorry, if i have plans with you, i just want to see YOU. i know this makes me sound like a massive asshole – and it doesn’t mean i don’t like your kid – but half the time i end up hanging out with a friend and their kid, i get 20% of their attention, and wtf is the point then?
i don’t want to get old or frail, the city i grew up in is too expensive and everything i love about it is basically gone, there are too many people in this world (and my city), everything is changing so fast (attention spans, technology, etc.) – so much now that i’m struggling at nearly 40 with turning my career over to something completely different bc my type of web design/development is becoming obsolete, etc. – it’s all so overwhelming.
my day-to-day anxieties about shitty people derive from a lot of things. the state of this country is so awful right now. trump supporters are so disgusting and immature, conservatives are so disgusting, racists are disgusting, religious people are insane, blue lives matter idiots just don’t get it (blue lives matter was launched as a direct response to black lives matter – that should SCREAM what it stands for. if you can’t comprehend what that means, and the backhanded reason it exists, that’s sad), there are so many online bullies and just straight up shitty people raised by lazy, shitty, ignorant people that didn’t belong having children in the first place… call it judgmental if you want, but i am honestly so sick of people not having any regard for society as a whole – people with no manners, people shoving their faithful, baseless opinions on everyone, internet brave trolls and bullies, etc. – and so many of them are so hard-headed, they’re not even open to changing and becoming better people.
this country is not a christian-based land and my life isn’t based upon that bullshit. this is a free country, and the point of it is to be free and all republicans and conservatives want to do is fixate on their bullshit foundation of family and god. most importantly they don’t want progress or love for anyone trans or LGBTQ+, for women, for people of color or immigrants. they refuse to admit that they’re wrong, lying or being hypocrites. it’s scary, and it’s making me so frustrated.
you can either go with a political party that wants EVERYONE to be accepted and not told how to live (ignoramuses included), or a political party based upon control, fear of god (i’m sure they really aren’t scared, but most people that believe in it may be, so let’s go with that), hatred, racism that want to hold the party that accepts everyone down unless they match up with their agenda… it’s quite black and white.
this article made me so bummed and inspired this post. it just made me think about how shitty the internet has become and how shitty and insane people actually are. it started out fun… wtf happened? sure, there have always been shitheads online, but now they’re in droves – but they’re actually posting these bullshit comments and walking around out there in the world. it’s frightening.
read any daily mail comments section on an article about trump and see what i’m talking about. in fact, here’s one… it’s sick. it’s the left are nuts, libs this, libs that, libTARDS as if using the term “retard” isn’t offensive… BUT THEY ARE FULL OF RESPECTFUL CHRIST LOVE, WTF?
that article also made me think about the jealous, mental case that stalked me online for years. how sick is it that the internet just gives creepy freaks the freedom to just act however they want? if i wasn’t online, would it be that she follows me around in her car? at that rate, i could at least call the cops. here, there are no boundaries.
listen, i do not think i’m perfect or anything great – but i go out of my way to never purposely do shitty things to people. i don’t hate minorities, i don’t hate LGBTQ+ folks, i don’t lie, i don’t treat friends badly, i try to help people, i have manners, i mind my business, etc. – maybe i’m not having manners by posting some of these things here regarding religion or about the world being overpopulated (i’m sure that will offend some), but this is my website where i can post any damn thing i want. you don’t have to read it…
in closing, everything is just awful and everyone discourages me. i’d love to see change, but i know i won’t. please forgive my ranting, and try to be a better person if you fall under any of the things i just bitched about… pride is an ugly thing.
September 12th, 2018 @ 2:46 pm
“nostalgia… it’s delicate, but potent. (teddy told me that) in greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound”. it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. this device isn’t a spaceship. it’s a time machine. it goes backwards, forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. it’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel.” – don draper
whenever i listen to certain music or watch certain shows or movies, i get into such a funk. the quote above is so accurate that it nearly made me cry.
i’ve been lucky enough not to have lost many family members or friends throughout my life (yet), but i am awful with change, and that applies to so many areas of my life. actually, i should rephrase that: i haven’t lost many family members or friends to death, most specifically. i have lost friends and i’ve had falling outs with family. family stuff has been repaired, but some friendships just fade away, i pushed away or life happens kind of deals. there aren’t many people that i truly miss that are no longer in my life… but the ones who i do miss this way, it kills me.
this was inspired by the last post with all of that 90s goodness. when i hear those songs, my little time machine brain goes right back to 1995-2003ish. i can’t help but want to drown myself in that era of my life. i miss the vibe of the 90s generally, although i’d never want to go back to that time because of the life wounds and heartache that it gave me. either way, those songs really make me miss my friend randolph so very much.
he’s the one who taught me graphic design and how to code… he was fated to be one of my most important life peeps.
he was my first love and ended up being one of my best friends even after he broke my heart into
a million pieces (i was a teenager, it was dramatic…). i even ended up working for him for a while and we’ve always stayed in touch until he moved away to dubai. while he was here in NYC, i took the time i could have had with him for granted and only saw him a few times a year, if that.
whenever i hear any 90s songs that were top 100 or whatever (ie: this song – not that i necessarily love it (i don’t)), they bring me right back to being 16 and waiting for a table at applebee’s at our local shopping mall. it dawns on me that i want to give him a big ol stu-hug and hear his infectious laugh, and i can’t… he’s no longer in the same borough, or just a train ride or two away, he’s 6,825 miles away. 🙁
he’s someone i can pick back up with after not seeing each other for two years like it was yesterday… i miss him and his friendship so much sometimes i could just burst.
* * *
ugh, fucking nostalgia.
June 27th, 2018 @ 8:16 pm
i don’t subscribe to that new years resolution nonsense. i try to pretend the day doesn’t even exist, tbh. i’ve always LOATHED new years bc it depresses me horribly. anyways, i’m halfway through the year and seeing what’s happened and what i need to do. these are the days i try to reflect… the summer days that make me want to die. summer is the fucking worst thing ever, so i’m currently in air conditioning pondering life.
these are/were the things i wanted to accomplish this year:
get a skateboard
- go on vacation
- get a new job (thanks, universe… for taking my stable one away and forcing me to be motivated?)
- pay off my credit card
- pay off old tax bill
- grow my hair down to my waist again
grow my bangs out and leave them for the summer(LOOOOOL, i have but i give it til mid-august before i chop em again)
- lose 20 lbs (down 5/7 depending on the day/bloat, squeeeee?)
- have the balls to dye my hair all black again – maybe if i actually grow it out again i will
- work on UNRULEDclub more/again – FIND A NEW POP-UP SHOP TO BE A PART OF
- see more friends
- remove my fallopian tubes
- go back to the pacific northwest and/or chicago
- new tattoo(s)
switching over to arctic fox dyes
- buy or have a bat hoodie made (i almost did last year… sigh)
slowly but surely… 🙂
October 13th, 2014 @ 3:57 pm
if everyone knew even half the shit that goes on, woof.
…but i shall try.
January 8th, 2014 @ 12:27 pm
it’s inspiring to start at the beginning of the year with a new number, but i don’t believe in, or live by resolutions. i’m the type to just change shit up and commit to it anytime [F5]… i wonder if that’s a virgo trait, or if it’s just me. either way, last year was horribly rough for me, and i’m glad it’s a new year. i’m looking forward to trying to ensure this one is a better this year, and seriously getting my shit together and on track for my 30’s.
i have to learn to focus on important things, rather than shit situations and shit people. so all of those shitty things that happened in 2013 will be out of sight, and out of mind this year.
i’m going to focus on creativity/marketing all that i make/create, networking, making/saving money, learning more wordpress, and getting out of my stupid apartment/neighborhood. i have my few friends that aren’t complete try-hard, flakey, lying, selfish, insecure, narcissistic, manipulative, ungrateful psychopaths that i thoroughly enjoy. hopefully those people and i get to do big things this year (traveling?, shows).
September 9th, 2013 @ 1:09 pm
i’m a huge believer in all happens for a reason, but sometimes it’s like… why do these certain things happen?
if i hadn’t met certain people, i wouldn’t have met certain other people. maybe i wouldn’t have had someone’s favorite band shared with me, or discovered i like a certain food or drink, or learned to use photoshop, or adored graffiti the way that i do, etc.
there are only a handful of people that i no longer talk to (and actually care enough about to still think of them), and sometimes it makes me sad, and it makes me wonder if i should try again. if you were once close with someone, what went wrong? can we work on it?
i don’t know.
i think when things are out of my control in that way, it drives my subconscious crazy. especially since i only distance myself from people for good reason (aka you did some dumb shit that i didn’t like, and it was probably obvious that you knew what you were doing, but you didn’t give a fuck… so fuck you, because i’m not going to be the 13 year old that brings it up). i rarely behave badly enough for people to stop speaking to me, especially since i’m no longer in my early 20’s. i like to treat people how i like to be treated.
sometimes you lose sight of who did what, what you were even angry about… it all seems trivial. sometimes you then also get reminded when you do in fact give that person a second chance (that sucks). maybe you get brainwashed by people about people, maybe sometimes you just grow apart from people, maybe egos get in the way… whatever it is.
fix it or forget it?
as i get older, i long for less bad karma — including shaking off the most loathed list. i often find myself trying to make a list in my head of who i am not speaking to, and want to either fix it, or just have closure. it almost irritates me, i guess because i’m an organized virgo – even in life, apparently, lol.
January 19th, 2012 @ 1:56 am
i’m too lazy to post, i don’t have a facebook or a google+, and i sort of fell off of twitter. the only thing i ever really do anymore is instagram. LAZY BETCH…
whatever, i keep meeting rad people on it and it’s the only social media i really use anymore…
i have been super busy freelancing, trying to stay above water as well. need rent monies and me and kitty need to eat!
so work first > my own website later, i guess. although, i do find it important to work on this because it keeps my creative juices flowing… dur dur dur.
AKA NEW HEADER BECAUSE THE OTHER ONE WAS MAKING ME NAUSEOUS!
as far as work goes, i’m gonna take over 2012 projects now, i have a bunch of friends websites i need to start. now that i’m getting projects out of the way, i’ll post about them as they get launched.
the amazingly talented homie jae (aka the cutest mommy in the whole entire world) and i, are going to start a site for the jewelry that we’ve been making. other than that, i have to start working on my friends hair styling site, and i’ve got my friend kelly who is a tattoo artist coming up very shortly soon as well.
anyways, blah blah blah. i shall now end my apologetic “i never post, i’ll try to start again” post now.
August 11th, 2011 @ 5:07 pm
i’ve been keeping myself busy offline for sanity purposes.
bah, sorry new website<3