everybody fuck offffffffffffffffff
May 30th, 2023 @ 10:29 pm
"i am a weekday on weekends..."
She/Her
42 years old
QUEENS, NYC
United States
Website URL:
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May 30th, 2023 @ 10:29 pm
May 6th, 2022 @ 12:10 pm
yesterday, my cousin sent us old movies from the 50s-80s from his parents’ house. it was the first time i’ve ever seen my maternal grandmother in motion. my grandfather, too, but i don’t really care so much about him. he was a terrible human to my aunts and uncle, i’ll leave it at that. seeing my grandma and all of my aunts in their youth… it killed me. my aunts were gorgeous! ♥ i was weeping. i miss my family so much.
once they started edging into the later 1980s, i was watching my aunts and their daughters, who are about 13-15 years older than me. i don’t know exactly how old they were at the time, but my gosh are our lives different. my cousin’s daughter was just a few months old in the one video i was watching, now she’s married with her own kid… and here i sit at age 40 with three shades of unnatural hair dye on my head, lol.
it’s just so odd how different generations are. my mother and her sisters weren’t preoccupied with the same bullshit as i am/was at her ages. sure, my mom was still dating into her 40s – an outcast among her sisters who were mainly married… but mom was younger, from NYC and hipper than the rest of her siblings. she was a rocker, an independent queens chick. i guess it rubbed off on me, as now that’s me… i would like to think that i’m not going to turn into my mother, though. she’s become a paranoid android, but i digress.
the reason i thought to post this was bc i have been under so much stress in the last few years. between moving back to bayside, where i never wanted to be again, losing my job, being in a relationship that’s faulty, getting older, the pandemic, health issues, strenuous friendships/relationships with friends and family, etc. – and i’ve gotten myself in such a weird rut. like, are these common 40 year old probs or just “jess can’t grow up” probs?
like i said, watching those movies – what were my family’s issues back then? i highly doubt it was any of the bullshit running through my brain. i just found out last year that my cousin’s husband is an alcoholic and always has been. they were dating when i was a toddler and he’s in most of my earliest memories. i had no idea… like, good for the adults for keeping issues under wraps for us kiddos, but i wonder what else was going on that i don’t know about, and how it compares to my current bullshit.
i keep sitting here just like “why at 40 am i CHOOSING to deal with the bullshit i am dealing with?”. i am better than this and i shouldn’t be dealing with any dumb ass issues that i was socially dealing with in my late 20s/early 30s. i don’t like how i’m currently feeling and i need to change it all.
i need an F5.
April 29th, 2022 @ 12:15 pm
every april i’m so annoyed… first off, i hate april. the weather is so annoying – first it’s hot, then it’s cold, then it’s raining, then it’s dreary, the wind won’t die out… like, bitch settle down.
i love seeing all of the trees blossom, though. i hate naked tree branches with a passion – unless they’re covered in gloriously gorgeous snow/ice.
the reason i thought to post about this absolutely pointless and unsolicited opinion, is bc we are almost halfway through the year! this means i just have to get through the stupid gross summer bullshit and i’m nearing my yearly pilgrimage to seattle! 🙂 🙂 🙂
all i want is cool, crisp weather, hockey and strolling around my other favorite city. sure, i could just go for a weekend whenever i want, but i’m lazy and don’t want to go alone. i can’t even seem to solidify getting my friends to go to a local sports game with me lately, nevermind a trip across the country… i also can’t fathom how i don’t have ANY friends in seattle. i have friends all over the damn US!
most of my friends are younger than me, and the ones without kids – why are they not readily available to hang out on weeknights? i don’t understand it. at their ages, i was always down to hang out – hell, even at 40 i’m not so picky that i’m like “I DUNNO GUYS, WEDNESDAYS (and/or any other weeknight) REALLY DON’T WORK FOR ME”… like, we’re not 50 yet, can we please utilize the energy and free time we have now, it only gets worse from here… le sigh.
January 13th, 2022 @ 12:47 am
we’re in a pandemic and everyone is stressed tf out, so i know now isn’t the time to worry about feeling like others don’t give enough of a shit about me, but i’ve had a TIRED ass decade that has gone by. i’m emotionally tired, and while i am an annoyingly, stubbornly, independent survivalist by nature because of my upbringing, i really just want to be cared for. i don’t want to have to worry about distrust, ulterior motives, drama, shady shit, i just want to fucking be respected, happy, loved and cared for. in a relationship, in my friendships and even with my family.
i constantly just blame this shit on myself and i have been such a hard ass for so long, that i don’t even know where to begin. all i know is that i just need to exhale for a while. i want to be able to just open up and depend on others, instead of me constantly making sure i’m a priority and that things are organized for our relationships to be present.
i know i’m not perfect. i’m a cranky, judgemental shithead sometimes… but i’ve been trying really hard to be overwhelmingly thoughtful, giving and patient to others for a long time. i try to make people feel thought of and special. i try to create these special moments, places, experiences for others and i want that. i do those things so that other people know how i feel about them. i take the time to think of others and i just want to feel like that – appreciated, not miserable, boring or not like a priority to people.
i honestly don’t have high expectations of others, and i don’t do things expecting any type of reciprocation, but it would be nice for a change. if we’re special and important to each other, i need to know that. everyone – not just me – deserves to know that they’re important, loved, thought of, cared for.
i’m truly just trying to take down this wall i built up years ago.
June 3rd, 2021 @ 12:02 am
i feel like i’m back at my return of saturn again already, maybe it’s a midlife crisis. i dunno, either way, i’ve been getting my shit together so hardcore lately (especially financially), but everything else is bunk. my cat is getting older and it’s starting to show, my 40s are creeping up on me and it’s starting to show, the pandemic isn’t helping…
i miss going out.
i miss having friends without kids or husbands/wives.
i miss being inspired by manhattan, by friends, by creatively vibing with friends, going to shows, just… living. i feel like i’m missing something.
sometimes i yearn for my late 20s, but it was so stressful. sometimes i yearn for my early 30s, but it was so stressful. i really miss those feelings, though. uncertainty brought creativity.
i miss living in a new neighborhood.
i miss taking trains.
i miss taking pictures of things that make me feel things, that inspire me.
i clearly miss a lot of things.
i can’t wait to get back to work and “normal” life in manhattan on weekdays. i know my 40s aren’t the end of the world, but they’re the last young years i have left. i just want to be out doing dumb shit, looking as cute as i can before my skin starts to sag and my knees or hips no longer work.
i also really need to find a new place to live.
September 12th, 2018 @ 2:46 pm
“nostalgia… it’s delicate, but potent. (teddy told me that) in greek, “nostalgia” literally means “the pain from an old wound”. it’s a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. this device isn’t a spaceship. it’s a time machine. it goes backwards, forwards… it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. it’s not called the wheel, it’s called the carousel.” – don draper
whenever i listen to certain music or watch certain shows or movies, i get into such a funk. the quote above is so accurate that it nearly made me cry.
i’ve been lucky enough not to have lost many family members or friends throughout my life (yet), but i am awful with change, and that applies to so many areas of my life. actually, i should rephrase that: i haven’t lost many family members or friends to death, most specifically. i have lost friends and i’ve had falling outs with family. family stuff has been repaired, but some friendships just fade away, i pushed away or life happens kind of deals. there aren’t many people that i truly miss that are no longer in my life… but the ones who i do miss this way, it kills me.
this was inspired by the last post with all of that 90s goodness. when i hear those songs, my little time machine brain goes right back to 1995-2003ish. i can’t help but want to drown myself in that era of my life. i miss the vibe of the 90s generally, although i’d never want to go back to that time because of the life wounds and heartache that it gave me. either way, those songs really make me miss my friend randolph so very much.
he’s the one who taught me graphic design and how to code… he was fated to be one of my most important life peeps.
he was my first love and ended up being one of my best friends even after he broke my heart into a million pieces (i was a teenager, it was dramatic…). i even ended up working for him for a while and we’ve always stayed in touch until he moved away to dubai. while he was here in NYC, i took the time i could have had with him for granted and only saw him a few times a year, if that.
whenever i hear any 90s songs that were top 100 or whatever (ie: this song – not that i necessarily love it (i don’t)), they bring me right back to being 16 and waiting for a table at applebee’s at our local shopping mall. it dawns on me that i want to give him a big ol stu-hug and hear his infectious laugh, and i can’t… he’s no longer in the same borough, or just a train ride or two away, he’s 6,825 miles away. 🙁
he’s someone i can pick back up with after not seeing each other for two years like it was yesterday… i miss him and his friendship so much sometimes i could just burst.
* * *
ugh, fucking nostalgia.
April 2nd, 2013 @ 12:55 pm
an ego confused with confidence will kill my friendship with anyone.
loyalty, honesty, personality and talent impress me, not blindly obnoxious self-admiration or people trying to one-up me.
January 23rd, 2013 @ 5:33 pm
#PSA
if i know you in real life, and for some reason you’re reading this… i hope you realize that i’m dead serious about this post…
this year, i have decided that i have NO PATIENCE for ANYONE’S bullshit. if you irritate me, repetitively force your opinion on me, disrespect me, do some coo-coo bean high school dramatic bullshit, i’m done. i’ve also additionally hit a point where i really don’t give a shit if you think my idea of “friend-loyalty” is irrational or immature or not, on this next subject…