May 23rd, 2022 @ 11:16 am

when i finally moved out of my mom’s house, i moved to midwood, bk.  this was back in 2009.  it only lasted six months because of my idiot roommate.  he decided to just up and leave our place without:

a) putting me on the lease
b) giving me the landlord’s info
c) telling me he was leaving

…i figured once i was on the apartment hunt again, i’d branch out and move someplace different bc i had just survived living in a faraway place.  looking back, i don’t think i’d ever do that again – it was a million miles away from my roots (or at least 3 inconvenient mta transfers)…  i’m glad i had two friends down there back then, or else i would have been in a worse mental state (oh, being in your 20s).  anyways, at that time, i was looking at apartments in brooklyn heights bc i was working in dumbo, i looked up places in the bronx bc why tf not (and there were so many pre-war apt buildings that were cheap and had sunken living rooms – LE SWOON), but i ended up with an apartment plopped right into my lap via missy… in ridgewood, queens.

who knows wtf my life could have been had i moved to either of the other two spots i was eyeballing, but i’m glad it didn’t go that way.  my job in dumbo relocated not even a year later and the bronx?  who did i think i was?  lol.

* * *

it was at a time where you could still get illegal basement spots for under $1000.  it was a studio apt, but that’s honestly all i needed at the time.  it was just me and oscy.  i wanted to get out of the bayside area, i wanted to get away from my family and “friends” and my past life.  i wanted a fresh start and an easier commute to my job.  ridgewood ended up working out just fine and i thrived creatively in my little basement cave once i got into a friend routine with jes and lauren.  i was paying $700 for my little studio and i couldn’t have been happier.  i had laundry in the basement, the train was like 4 blocks away, it took 15/20 mins to get into manhattan, lauren and i were always in williamsburg, sophie and i were always in the village…  the best times.

* * *

from time to time, i check online to see what the rents are and what apartment availability looks like now, and what a shit show.  i just put in $2200 with two caveats: pets allowed and in-unit washer/dryer and THREE apartments came up in queens, lol.  as a single woman, if i ventured out on my own at this age, if you think i’m doing anything less than a 1BR, you are out of your mind.  why tf are there no apartments available with these two needs for less than $2k a month?!  wtf is going on with this idiotic city????????  i can’t.

i took off the cat filter and three more apartments popped up, all in jamaica, queens.  if you think i am contributing to gentrification in jamaica, you are also out of your mind.  there are a few places as a white person i REFUSE to live for that reason, and jamaica is one of them.  i will not partake in this city falling apart, but i digress.

this is like an ongoing, daily struggle with my brain.  do i stay in nyc and buy something?  do i leave and go west to more relaxing surroundings?  i feel so lost.  i don’t want the same things as my current partner, and i have to move on.  i feel like i don’t know how to be happy.  i find life so overwhelming and just want something or someone to ground me, so i can stop feeling like i’m a lost puppy during my mid-life years.

* * *

on a less serious note, i feel stuck for a number of reasons.  i know it’s such a stupid thing, but the feral cat we care for in the backyard loves me.  i would feel like i’m abandoning her, i’d also be annoyed i’d be losing the cross island for cycling, i love walking around over here – especially when the trees are fully bloomed with green leaves – it’s so damn pretty.

the bad def outweighs the good, but i can’t just up and leave at the moment… so i’m just stuck.

January 17th, 2021 @ 1:04 pm

posted on : july 20th, 2OO2 – at 4:18 a

hey freaks what’s goin’ on :] i feel absolutely horrifying. i have very bad cramps. could anyone brighten up my gloomy day? it’d really make me glow instead of gloom :] anyhOo – glad very few of you fuckers use the tagboard. – i’m thinking of making the site really damn interactive. i need more of my visitors to participate. what’ll it take? let me know in the comments here people – THAT’S WHY THEY’RE HERE.

last night i had such bad gas. not like fart gas… like it felt like i had a balloon in my chest that wouldn’t shrink. so jeff’s mommy gave me nasty ass mylanta. it tasted and smelled like soap… the kind jeff uses, lol. it was really nasty. when jeff’s mother came up to my mouth with the spoon it took me back to the days of when i was a stubborn little brat. i remember when i was little and i needed to take medicine, i’d keep my mouth shut SO tight. my mother would be standing there for like fifteen minutes trying to get that nasty shit in my mouth. gah! i thought robutussin would KILL me or something. YACK! i hate not feeling good. – like today, i couldn’t breathe. – i’m beginning to think i’m allergic to cigarette smoke. as soon as i went around my smoking mother today i stuffed up and what not. it was so effin horrible :[ i couldn’t breathe at all for like an hour. i stuffed my face in a little tub of vapo-rub lol. RAVER STUFF!! lol

well here was my fascinating day… i woke up and watched my soaps. “the young and the restless” and “the bold and the beautiful”. i then proceeded to roll jeff over to bug him to cuddle and then i went downstairs to talk to his mommy. then she took me home and i put on the air conditioner for my hot hamster with three legs. – my mother leaves no AC on all day because she’s afraid it will “catch fire”. i think she thinks little pyro elves live in my house and come out when she isn’t home looking to start a fire. – so i then hung out with hammy a bit. worked on some site shit, (marie, check my personal bio section and don’t kill me for the picture. it’s fudging awesome :] and i’m adding more “GOOD” pictures that’ll pass to your liking in the next few days lol), paid off a small fee to a friend for some phat ass pants, watched the mets game, and then went out to eat at a cheap diner with sophie. i had pancakes. yum. then i went to go see jeff at work.

back to sophie – – – she finally ordered our misfits tickets. holy fuck nut that’s right – i have a guaranteed ticket to go see my SEXY mofo fiends!! I’M SO EXCITED! PUNKER DAN – buy a ticket to the misfits show at l’amors (sp?) in brooklyn! august 3rd – it’ll be rad – and we’ll be at a show together!

OKAY – now i’m tired. that was a kinda long update, eh?

August 20th, 2013 @ 1:22 pm

[article: there goes the neighborhood]

♥ thank you for capturing my angst for out-of-state transplants in a mature way, that makes total sense. ♥

“when there is something special in this world… It shouldn’t be exploited.”

…that’s the difference between actual new yorkers and the majority of these out-of-state lemmings.  we don’t exploit our neighborhoods, we enjoy them. we queens natives are not taking our neighborhoods for granted, i guess we just inadvertently and unconsciously keep them to ourselves, so that they don’t get overrun by lame people that really just try too hard, and ruin our moderately sensible ways of life.

around my ‘hood (i’ve been living in ridgewood/glendale area for 3 years now), they’re trickling in.  i don’t understand why there is a need to have neighborhood pride in the sense that it needs to be exploited, discovered or pushed like “OMG no one has ever seen this land before” type of shit…  when it boils down to it, it’s just another ‘hood in queens.

there are decades and decades of old school families that have been there, minding their own business, just living life.  they’re ruining it for us now, and our future native generations (if any of us even choose to stay).  how i feel for queens, is also how i feel for native brooklyn ‘hoods that are quiet and family oriented as well.  these loud/annoying hipsters that drink/scream all night like they’re living in dorms and not apartments are annoying, there are certain ‘hoods for that…

queens isn’t a novelty, it’s not a goal for someone in ohio or iowa.  i wonder wtf goes through these transplants heads, i swear.

we don’t need art galleries, we don’t need vegan this that and the other thing, or an american apparel (god, please don’t let them infiltrate!), or gourmet snobby cheese stores run by 30 yr old white men with jorts+beards, nor do we want these things.  that’s what the industrial areas that are rundown and revamped are for.

what i don’t get, is that if they were trying to escape their prison-like non-accepting suburbs, why are they now looking for the suburbs? THEY SHOULD JUST GO BACK HOME (or did they just want to live that way elsewhere, wearing thick framed glasses, converse/jorts and munching on tofu?).

i feel really awful being so negative about this topic all of the time. it just really frustrates me that where i was born and raised, and should have the right to stay in and give to my future kids if i have any, is almost out of my grasps. there’s only room for it to get worse and more expensive.

sigh.

June 10th, 2012 @ 9:58 pm

i reeeeeeeeeeeally want to read this book: “unorthodox: the scandalous rejection of my hasidic roots“, by deborah feldman.  being from NYC, you’re around a ton of different cultures.  where i’m originally from in queens, you rarely see hasidic jews, and when i moved out to brooklyn for the first time a few years ago, i moved to a heavily hasidic residing neighborhood (midwood).  it was a strange experience for me because i knew nothing of their culture at all, aside from the way that they dress and the fact that the women wore wigs for a reason…

one friday when i had come home from work, a loud, wailing (and spooky) siren started going off at sundown.  the first thought going through my head was that NYC was about to be in another crisis because of terrorism (no, not even joking).  my roommate at the time never told me about the siren that went off on friday evenings, as a warning to go home for the arrival of the sabbath.  i recorded it from my phone, to send to my mother that first time, because i was like WTF?  then the next day, my ‘hood was like a ghost town… there was NO ONE around. i couldn’t believe it. i think it was within the next two weeks that he told me the deal.

in the dunkin donuts two blocks from my apartment, i would go in and hear the 15/16 year old girls talking about their wigs and upcoming husbands and stuff, and i was in awe.  at 15/16, i was playing super nintendo, started going to concerts and had my first real boyfriend.  it was kind of a culture shock for me, and i felt really ignorant for automatically thinking that they were odd, so i started googling more and more about hasidic culture.  why they had to cover all of their skin, the deal with the curls, the strings around their waists, etc.

i guess now i have better understanding of why some of those things are done, and not that it’s my place to try to “approve” of it, but i can’t.  i try so hard not to judge it or mock it, but i can’t say that i have come to terms with it.  some of the rules are out of this world.

i’m not a super-religious person to begin with, but i am catholic – and i thought the rules that we have to live by are ridiculous and strict…  this is seriously a whole other level.

and not to sound like a total dick, but it’s 2012.  with the modern world surrounding all of these young people, how do they not feel pressured to live a “normal” life?

i’ve read a couple of websites that had articles about the book that deborah feldman wrote, and it stated that they’re raised to be scared of “normal”/non-hasidic people.  i think that’s absolutely fucked up, because as odd as i think the culture may be, i wouldn’t ever discriminate or be rude to a hasidic jew JUST BECAUSE THEY’RE HASIDIC.  i think that’s awful, if that’s true.

i don’t want to turn this post into how i “don’t get hasidic jews” and seem like an ignorant/judgemental asshole, my point was that i wanted to see the point of view from someone that has converted.  i wondered if there were younger people in our generation that broke free because of curiosity, and the outcome.  i’m super excited to add this to my book queue.

August 22nd, 2011 @ 2:32 am

i thought it’d be easier to just sum things up after a while, rather than write day to day… i guess i was wrong.

so what have i been doing for the last month?

1. on repeat (like, i-have-issues type of “on repeat”.)
2. catching up in the old hood<3
3. went to a movie in the park, (officially) met an awesome dude.
4. hanging out more and more with the awesome dude (here, in wburg.)
5. watching ally mcbeal like it’s nobody’s business!
6. spending more time with charlie<3
7. spending more time with christian (and charlie and rob<3)
8. spending time with lauren who finally came back from london
9. spending some time with teena! (and kurt!)

everyone/everything is doing a fine job of picking up the pieces lately.
things are feeling much better, although i don’t want to jinx myself.

i’m so glad that this summer is over because it was really fucking shitty until now. i just want autumn to be here.
hoodies & hockey, and that smell in the air…  #BEST

i’m going to utah again next week<333 i think i’m going to chop my hair off while i’m there.