September 5th, 2020 @ 11:38 pm

you’re a bittersweet little shit.

as a kid: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, but was also hyped because it was my birthday (this def meant a trip to toysRus in douglaston and/or new toys to tear open via presents).

as a teenager: i hated it because it meant school was starting again, i’d have to deal with bullies and bullshit, my summer upstate was ending BUT it was near my birthday, so i could score new clothes/sneakers with the segue that it was my bday as well as needing new school clothes.

as a 20-something year old: i loved it because i was no longer in school, i was just working.  if i wasn’t hanging out with jeff, christina and our friends would take late night drives around the ‘hood or random ass trips upstate just to go to hot topic (before it was big, don’t judge me).  i was just living without a care in the world, and it was just a lovely reminder that autumn and halloween were near… until september 11th happened.

since 2001: i love it because it means we finally got TF out of summer and it’s coming up on my favorite seasons and holidays of the year, but then i see the memorial lights.  those lights make me feel like that day all over again, and i cry.

i’ve honestly forced myself to do things on my birthday since that year.  i put in effort like 5 times since then.  once when i lived with my friend roommate/old friend christina (we had a ridiculous/epic house party), when i turned 25 my ex brought me to florida/disney for a few days, when i was dating sceave we rented out the knights of columbus bc our bdays were a few days apart and for my 30th bday, my sister/bf and bff threw me a big shebang at holiday cocktail lounge with a ton of my friends.  every other year the only thing i do is get dinner with my sister and mom.  we used to have the whole cake tradition at my mom’s house, but one year i finally broke down and told her i didn’t want my traditional strawberry shortcake anymore.  i think it put a damper on bday celebrations.  most bdays are a blur since my aunt necie passed away.  she was the only other birthday constant.

9-11 just doesn’t get any easier.  i didn’t lose anyone in the towers… but i did lose a piece of my city that day.  i gained fear, sadness and the city lost its umph.  anyone living here at the time will have a story – even if it’s not a directly linked story to anyone in the towers, there are just so many things tied to it.  emotions, how they got stuck somewhere, how they couldn’t get in touch with a loved one, etc. – it affected us all in some way.

they were testing the tribute in light last night, and through my middle window in the dining room, it was just a straight shot ahead beaming up to the sky.  it just brings me right back.

anyways, september.

it usually means cooler weather, i can wear pants and hoodies again, i usually go upstate to share my bday with my cousins (3 of us have bdays within days of each other, and one i share a bday with, actually) and hockey is starting aka the only thing i really want to do is go to a pre-season game w my friends, but i can’t do any of that this year bc of covid.

in 2020: i don’t plan on doing too much… i do have a tattoo appointment at 1PM, but we are still stuck in covidland.  this year, there is no pre-season hockey in september, in fact, it’s still the post-season because WE ARE IN THE ACTUAL FUCKING TWILIGHT ZONE.  wtf even is baseball this year?  i can’t go out to eat or drink (i’m not doing that outside shit on bell or in manhattan/bk/etc, chill)… my mother lives upstate and she also has RA, so i don’t even think she should chance coming down here and being around any of us, just in case we’re asymptomatic… and my sister is in LA and not flying out at all this year.

so yeah, this one is extra depressing aside from a new tattoo and cool weather.

oh, and i’ll get to cut my bangs in again soon!  🙂
no more sweaty weather bullshit, woo!

/grumpySTu

August 21st, 2019 @ 12:52 pm

i had an aunt growing up, that was like my grandmother to me.  a few years ago, her body finally gave up after heart/lung struggles.  her passing was one of the most devastating things i’ll ever have to face.  i still haven’t fully mourned her death, it’s hard to wrap my head around it.  she didn’t want to have a wake and funeral, so i don’t think i got to properly take the steps of accepting that passing.  it just doesn’t feel real.

a few weeks ago, my uncle joe (her husband) went upstate to join everyone at a family gathering.  he’s barely been around since my aunt died, he says it’s hard on him, and i don’t blame him.  he also told people that he’s selling their house.  i’m kind of shocked, as there are a bunch of grandkids and they have two kids together.  i don’t know if nobody wanted it or they just wanted to make a profit, but that’s not my business.  it’s still just kind of surprising to me.  anyways, i knew this day would also come, but it really kicked my ass emotionally.  it’s one of the only constants i’ve had over the course of my very chaotic life, and it’s a place of deep nostalgia for me.  i guess you can never fully prepare for it.

i can’t imagine another family ever living in that house.
i can’t imagine that house being torn down or redone (which is a current trend around here in queens, now).

since my aunt died, i’ve had dreams about the house – and her.  i have a recurring dream for some odd reason about her half-bath on the first floor off of the house.  there was an adorable little wooden, medicine cabinet in there.  if i remember correctly there was a heart on the cabinet or a mirror or something.  either way, for some odd reason, my brain has dreams that i go there and steal it.  i don’t know where i ever put it, but i take it with me.  i have no idea why my brain focuses on it so much, but it does.  wtf brain?

i just emailed my cousin to see if he can salvage it for me.  maybe i’ll literally make my dreams come true…

December 16th, 2014 @ 2:50 pm

i tried to do a week in pictures thing once… it just proved to me that i was actually too lazy to post WHILE the week was going on.  so instead, i think “last week” might be a little easier.

in GREAT NEWS, holiday cocktail lounge is re-opening! the bad news is, i think it’s turning into an actual cocktail bar.  like, no booths.  no beer lights. i think it’s turned schwanky!  i’ll take what i can get, though.  i’ll give it a whirl.

otherwise, most of last week i spent being miserable because my roommates boyfriend’s alarm clock has been now going off at 4AM vs. the usual 5AM…  aaand i’m just really sick of sleeping with earplugs in my ears.  however, my roommate did in fact tell me she’ll be completely out of my apt by the 31st, which is nice.  i’ll have peace and quiet again!  WOO!

i started packing stuff last saturday… mainly my “fun stuff” aka toys, all fridge magnets, cold coffee cups, dolls, some containers, random shit hanging up around my room/house, all of my heavy duty plastic kitchen stuff (cutlery, cups, some plates), just ridiculous stuff that can come down that won’t give me horrible creative block if it’s out of sight.  it felt really good and like i’m taking a step forward in leaving that hell hole.

most of last weekend (after running errands) was spent decorating my (black!!!1) christmas tree.  i decided to go with black this year because of the eyeball ornaments.  i found them at michael’s in sept/oct and figured they’d look great against a black tree.  jes picked up the popsicle ornaments for me, and also the cool christmas candy/stained glass ornament we made together.  oscy loves sleeping under the tree every night.  i light up the fir scented candle and he lays on santa’s face and takes naps or watches the candle flicker.  it’s super cute.

i still need a dang tree skirt…

same shit, different day, otherwise…
commute > work > commute > facetime boyfriend > watch “revenge” > ear plug misery, lol.

OH! and p.s.: my natural deodorant… it’s still going fantastical!  i predominantly don’t smell (and i mean 99% of the time i don’t, but that 1% on a day you really break a sweat, you can just get a FAINT smell – but it’s never anything crazy/offensive) and only SOMETIMES do i have a reaction (mainly just turns red/itchy – but no rash – and it’s usually only if i apply it right after shaving).

in other words, i’m still not going back to regular deodorant anytime soon.

July 13th, 2014 @ 10:56 pm

one of the hardest deaths that i’ll ever have to face in my life happened last week.

i haven’t been giving into the sadness of it all, as with everything else emotionally handled by myself. there are things that have been randomly, suddenly striking me… but i haven’t been sitting around for hours on end weeping yet. i am so afraid of when that’s going to happen. i assume it will happen soon, seeing as that her birthday is july 20th. maybe not… maybe it’ll be this year, when i don’t receive a card with her beautiful handwriting. most likely on christmas, because i spent every christmas eve with her until a few years ago… i don’t know.

i just can’t even put into words how broken my heart is.

i can still feel an aunt necie hug.
i still remember the smell of her perfume.
there are just too many things.

all of these little things i never think of are now surfacing…  steve and i went to the shopping center in douglaston, to grab groceries and i realized it was where aunt necie always used to take us to toys r us.

steve drove by her house the other night and i totally lost my shit.

i hate to sound like a selfish, naive person, but i don’t know how i’ll live without her in my world.  🙁

i can still feel her grabbing my hand at the hospital.
i can still hear the moans, because she couldn’t speak anymore.
i can still see the way she was staring at everyone so strongly, letting us know she knew it was us.

i will never forget those things.</3
seeing and hearing my aunt like that was so hard.

January 8th, 2013 @ 2:14 pm

i have cherished everything about my aunt necie’s house for all of my life.  it was just a solid, constant rock for me, always one of my favorite comfort places.  in fact, i cried when she redecorated the living room, lol (it’s that bad).

my grandmother had 10 kids, and my mother was the second to last kid… she died when my mother was only 17 years old.  i honestly think more of my aunt necie as my grandmother, than i do my aunt.  she was so wonderful over the years, and i think that’s why her house is so special to me.

aunt necie and uncle joe have always lived 10/15 minutes away from us my entire life, so we spent enormous amounts of time there.  friday night pizza TGIF sessions, hanging out with aunt carol/aunt judy, playing my cousin michael’s NES for hours, every christmas eve was there, birthday parties, family parties, we practically lived there during the summers she had her pool, sick days from school, etc. – like, my entire life… lol.

anyways, we haven’t gone there for christmas eve in a few years because my aunt has become sick over the years 🙁  it’s harder for her to host it now.  this year we went, though (and i took the picture floating to the right over there, of her kitchen chairs)! 🙂

getting to the point here, all of my first everything’s probably happened in that house.  when i first started walking, i was flying around this house…  when i first started talking, i went on and on and on…  i used to go through all of the cabinets and organize pots and pans and tupperware…  i took baths in that kitchen’s sink.  all of my first memories are in that house, and i also mean my first memories were formed there.  shapes, colours, pieces of furniture, smells, textures, etc.  i can close my eyes and know how that basement smells, or how the cushions from the old couch feel, or how the living room cabinet where all of our toys/crayons were stored smells…  that’s kind of how those chairs make me feel.

i don’t know why, but i started googling last night to try to figure out who makes them, and apparently it’s this company called “the hitchcock chair co.” (founded in 1818, in CT) and this is the “inn side chair” model. the company had closed its doors, but then another guy bought all of the rights and has kept it going since two years ago. that’s nice to hear 🙂

it’s kind of cool knowing who created them.  my aunt has had those for decades, i just wonder how many exactly.  i don’t know when she even moved into that house, but i know they’ve been there at least through the 70’s.

i love that. i hope all that stuff never gets trashed, and i hope to god my uncle/cousins never sell that house to anyone but in the family.  i would take that house in a heartbeat<3

September 23rd, 2011 @ 5:37 pm

sooooooooooooo i totally made it through my 30th birthday without crying about it. i know i’ve been making a huge deal about it, sorry. what an annoying broken record i am!

i thought it’d be bad, and my mother told me on her 30th birthday, no one could calm her down and she had to take a valium to finally relax… but i was chill.

the only thing that i had in fact cried about on my birthday, was my aunt necie telling me about how she was the first thing i looked at when i was born. and that i kept looking for my mom while trying to open my eyes for the first time.

she was telling me this while she was crying, which made me cry.

my aunt necie is my mothers older sister, and was like my grandmother while i was growing up…  she’s really sick with emphysema and i think that time is running a little short.  a lot is catching up with her and my mom says that she’s been trying to give things away and is getting super sentimental lately and stuff…

that breaks my heart.  i absolutely love her and it killed me to hear her crying.

sorry for the sad story, just wanted to let ya’s know i was braver than i thought on this birthday… lol.