September 5th, 2022 @ 10:20 pm

this healing process has been mossssssssssssstly mild, but i also say this as a person with a high threshold for pain.  the first two days were pure hell, but only because of the air that was trapped within my body from the surgery itself.  i could feel it all over the place – reddit kept suggesting there would be gas pain – specifically shoulder pain and boy were they not wrong.  i read that the air hits some nerve by the diaphragm that makes you feel like it’s up in your shoulder, but it’s actually not (the phrenic nerve).  some was pain but other gas pains were just uncomfortable and like torturous tickling.  if i tried to laugh or twist my body left or right even an INCH, the air would move and it was unbearable.

i read to take gas-x, which i did purchase for myself, but i really didn’t feel like it did anything for me.  the first night, i took 2 after 10PM, then one in the morning.  the directions said not to take more than 4 within 24 hours, so i didn’t take another one, especially bc i didn’t feel like it was doing anything for me.  i was luckily pooping and tooting just fine, so i figured my body would start getting rid of the air itself.

the next morning after surgery, i felt okay enough to walk, which they said would help with digestive issues/getting rid of the air, so i did about 4 blocks and back home.  the next day i did about 2 miles and i felt okay.  honestly, by day 3, i starting feeling better and more normal.  it sucks to bend down and to sit certain ways.  riding in cars?  terrible.  you feel every fucking bump.  otherwise, my incisions still haven’t hurt yet, but they’re finally SO ITCHY and turning yellow, which is a good sign.

this is day 6 for me and i’m doing most things aside from lifting heavy stuff.  i’ve done laundry, the dishes, i’m feeding oscy, i’ve gone shopping (with help), bathed, etc. – i just sleep when i feel tired, which has happened a few times and listening to my body as i go.  so far, so good.

***

the first thing i remember feeling when i woke up in recovery was my throat being irritated and me having to cough a lot to clear my throat.  my landlady who is a doctor told me the breathing tube was probably too big (ouch).  i would say aside from the gas pain, dealing with that was the most annoying thing so far.  i think anesthesia also affects the throat, though.  either way, if you’re ever going to have this surgery – stock up on some cough drops.

lastly, the one other thing i took away from this surgery was how many people you have to deal with – the HOOPS you have to jump through to get it.  i saw like 6 nurses and 2 doctors that day that made me outright say to them that i understood i was there to be sterilized, before they would sterilize me.  well, this post really hits home after living through that.  i won’t get too into it since it a hot topic, but i believe if half the people who are breeding and overpopulating this world would have to jump through the same hoops, we’d all be better off.  #sorrynotsorry

August 31st, 2022 @ 11:26 am

i finally got my dum dum fallopian tubes removed!

i really wish i would have known about this as an option years ago.  i don’t remember how i found out about this procedure, but i did ask my gyno back in 2014 and she talked me out of it.  not because i was on the fence about having kids, she said she’d only either tie my tubes (which isn’t 100% fool proof) or put some coil inside of the tubes (WTF? LOOK AT THIS SHIT FUCK OUTTA HEEEAAAAA).  i found a new doctor over here in bayside this year and she agreed to do it ANDDDD it was covered under my insurance bc it’s considered a “preventative service”.  i only had to pay for hospital fees and my anesthesiologist, apparently.

when i asked her about it, the first thing out of her mouth was “can your long term boyfriend get a vasectomy?” and i hated that question bc a) she’s a woman, c’mon… you’re supposed to be empowering me b) what if i break up with him and/or get raped by a stranger?  this is for ME.  you never know what the laws could end up being in a few years, i’m not taking any chances with a body that doesn’t ever want to be pregnant…

anyways, so far, this process has been easy aside from trapped air from the surgery.  this gas HURTS.  i can feel it all over my body, it’s the worst – my shoulders are killing me and my entire right side… woof.  the way that they do this surgery is laparoscopically – they fill you with air and operate through those holes shown above (the belly button and the two holes on the abdomen).

the interwebz say i shouldn’t be like this for too long.  i can’t wait to feel normal again.  i’m happy the incisions don’t hurt, at least.

so yeah… BABY FREE, BABY!

April 3rd, 2022 @ 6:33 pm

it’s so weird seeing how “content creators” compare to the bloggers and vloggers of yesteryears and seeing how their brains work when it comes time to what they put out, alongside their ever changing platforms and how they maneuver around with their content.

i am currently watching one of my favorite youtubers do a typical video that she routinely did for years.  last year at some point, her focus and content started to change with her lifestyle.  she was moving, having a health scare, some other stuffs.  i guess she got inspired and ran with it.  anyways, she seems so uncomfortable doing this video i’m currently watching.  her natural flow is missing because she rarely does videos like this anymore.  i hate how self-conscious she seems and it’s making me feel terrible watching how fidgety she is, how unfocused and it seems like she doesn’t want to even do it.  it legitimately took her 10 mins before she just naturally dropped right back into her usual chatty, focused mode.

before i go any further, i just want to PSA that i’m not picking on her (I LOVE HER.  i wanted to hug her watching the beginning of the damn video and tell her just to keep going, it’s fine) – but as a follower, i have thoughts.  people we follow do have the right to change up their brand/mission/etc., and we get affected by stuff like that.  i know it’s a very selfish/first world type of problem, but it’s still kind of annoying.  also, i’m blaming attention spans (i’ll get to that part later).

i can’t imagine doing this for a living.  i’ve seen some of my other favorite vloggers have breakdowns and just stop doing it altogether or go on hiatus.  it’s hard enough to keep coming up with themes or type of videos, i’m sure – keeping people’s attention is tough – but when you figure it out – you capture it and have loyal followers… that’s awesome.  that’s the point – why just cut off that content majorly?

there’s too much pressure on these folks to pick content and present it out of nowhere – so shouldn’t consistency be key?  like blogging here, i try to have repeat category content so i don’t have to think, i just do.  at least that might take some of the pressure off of them.  it’s nice to just log in and add pics of someone i’m drooling over in my “hubba hubba” category or post a music video/song under “eargesting“.  i mean, i don’t sit here pondering what to post anymore – i don’t run a content site anymore where i have like, 200+ readers per day…  but even if i still did, i would still post the same way.

my brain wants to compare it to my favorite bands trying to switch up with albums they did right.  i always go back to green day and weezer.  like, you had it…  the blue album, pinkerton, maladroit (okay, well SOME of maladroit), kerplunk, dookie, insomniac, even nimrod – then you switched it up and lost it and never found it again?  i don’t even mean selling out, they just can’t seem to get back to the sound we all want again so badly.  can they NOT get back there or do they choose not to?

once content creators stray or restructure their content, that’s usually it.  ie: some other chick i used to watch on youtube used to dye her hair all the time is now like, boho chic w blonde hair vs dying it 870 “fashion colors”.  she now only posts videos of thrifting and renovating her new house – a complete 180, and she gained so much more traffic that way.  i just can’t relate to her anymore, so i stopped watching her videos.

anyways, the chick i was originally referring to used to average ~17k on the types of videos i’m referring to and then ~33k on the higher viewed ones (and even higher in some cases).  she’s now down to like ~6/7k average on her videos that are like the old ones.  if you’re gonna just go by the numbers as a creator, isn’t that kind of saying a lot?  maybe do an extra one a week or every other week?  why take a hit?

read more…

August 10th, 2020 @ 5:55 pm

i’ve said this before, and i’ll say it again… i hate talking politics. i honestly do – but i do want to clarify where i stand as a human being – not JUST a democrat.

i lean to the left…

• i am progressive
• i am anti-religion (but i can assure you, i wouldn’t try to talk you out of yours)
• i am a supporter of all freedoms (aside from guns – here in the 5 boroughs anyway – and DEFINITELY against automatic weapons. i’m from NYC not bumfuck kansas with a rural farm to protect from uh… something. intruders? aliens causing crop circles? lol)
• i am a supporter and a member of the LGBTQ+ community
• i believe in gay marriage
• i believe in gay adoption (they’re better parents than half the hetero GOONS that have a weak pullout game… my parents included)
• i believe in equality
• i believe in if you work hard – you deserve to live well and not struggle (I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE MARXIST VIEW OF OWNING WHAT YOU WORK FOR, for the record)
• i believe that healthcare shouldn’t be tied to your job and i believe that it shouldn’t cost what it does
• i believe in science
• i believe in the right to safe, normal abortions
• i believe that black people deserve more and that unarmed black people don’t deserve to get killed by racist ass police

…etc. you get the gist.

what brought this on, is that i was just wondering how michale graves was doing in life.  if you’re unaware who m. graves is, he was the lead singer of the 90s, reformed misfits many years after the misfits broke up when danzig left.  i LOVE graves era misfits.  i constantly defend it, and still enjoy it regularly.  anyways, i googled him and came across recent media and started watching this video, and got so embarrassed for him, disgusted and i just want to clarify this again for whoever lands here… leaning to the right or not.

read more…

January 25th, 2020 @ 2:49 pm

i saw this the other day in the back kitchen at work:

as i was cleaning out my own coffee mug (cobra kai), it caught my eye and i got super irritated and borderline offended.

i realize that i am clearly more to the left and a progressive person, which automatically shoves me into a special category of people (being a PC person).  i don’t have a problem with that, but i can see idiotic normal people thinking i’m being dramatic when i complain about this innocently, ignorant and insensitive mug.  whenever people realize someone gives a dramatic amount of a shit about others, they’re instantly criticized for it… so please, fuck off if that is also your impression and if you don’t agree with me.

read more…

December 26th, 2019 @ 4:42 pm

great conjunction

* * *

* * *

“there’s a time, if jupiter and saturn meet, they will receive you.”
(the astrological time to enter #theblacklodge)

* * *

now, when did you first see the petroglyph in owl cave? – windom earle

in… in dreams. – garland briggs

what kind of dreams? – windom earle

i was night fishing with agent cooper. there was a light, guardian beyond it. i was taken, but my mind still i recognized the signs. – garland briggs

what do the signs mean? – windom earle

there’s a time, if jupiter and saturn meet, they will receive you. – garland briggs

* * *

let’s hope this is true.  hopefully we’ll get dump out of office and get society back on track somehow…

(these photos were taken like 5 mins after i got those planets done back in october… the laura palmer hands were done in march, fully healed.)

April 11th, 2019 @ 12:05 am

today’s inspiration: I MISS MY PRE-INTERNET BRAIN.

i often think about when i was a kid, and days/months/years felt like forever.  i am currently 37, but i feel like i’ve been around for 100 years.  i try to think back even to 15+ years ago, when i was working at a video store, and i felt like i had all the time in the world.  i worked 40 hours per week, but i didn’t have a commute.  even so, that’s still only tacking on about 2/3 hours per day now.

how was life so different then?
i used to work a full week, i went to night school to finish off two credits i fucked up on in high school and yet i managed to spent infinite amounts of time with my two best friends, my boyfriend at the time AND managed to code for hours on end at night.

HOW?!

OK first off, having ridiculous work hours definitely helped.  not having a 9-5, M-F job definitely helps break up a monotonous life.  i loved working weekends and having weekdays off.  being an adult and not having flex hours really fucking sucks.  but i digress.  my original point: is the internet really making our attention spans and time feel that off?  if so, why the fuck do we keep using it?

read more…

October 15th, 2018 @ 11:40 am

i have a love/hate relationship with people and life.  on a daily basis, i really wish i was swallowed and not a championship swimmer (gosh, that was graphic, sorry).  while i highly doubt i’d ever take my own life, i often get yelled at for not valuing life.  if it wasn’t for my family, select friends, my cat and music, i hate every fucking aspect of it and wish i wasn’t here…  everything makes me so fucking depressed.

i don’t want to get married, i don’t want to have kids – and now my friends/fam around my age are all doing this, and all it does is bum me out bc they just disappear off the face of the earth.  also, i don’t want to hang out with you and a kid.  sorry, not sorry, if i have plans with you, i just want to see YOU.  i know this makes me sound like a massive asshole – and it doesn’t mean i don’t like your kid – but half the time i end up hanging out with a friend and their kid, i get 20% of their attention, and wtf is the point then?

i don’t want to get old or frail, the city i grew up in is too expensive and everything i love about it is basically gone, there are too many people in this world (and my city), everything is changing so fast (attention spans, technology, etc.) – so much now that i’m struggling at nearly 40 with turning my career over to something completely different bc my type of web design/development is becoming obsolete, etc. – it’s all so overwhelming.

my day-to-day anxieties about shitty people derive from a lot of things.  the state of this country is so awful right now.  trump supporters are so disgusting and immature, conservatives are so disgusting, racists are disgusting, religious people are insane, blue lives matter idiots just don’t get it (blue lives matter was launched as a direct response to black lives matter – that should SCREAM what it stands for.  if you can’t comprehend what that means, and the backhanded reason it exists, that’s sad), there are so many online bullies and just straight up shitty people raised by lazy, shitty, ignorant people that didn’t belong having children in the first place…  call it judgmental if you want, but i am honestly so sick of people not having any regard for society as a whole – people with no manners, people shoving their faithful, baseless opinions on everyone, internet brave trolls and bullies, etc. – and so many of them are so hard-headed, they’re not even open to changing and becoming better people.

this country is not a christian-based land and my life isn’t based upon that bullshit.  this is a free country, and the point of it is to be free and all republicans and conservatives want to do is fixate on their bullshit foundation of family and god.  most importantly they don’t want progress or love for anyone trans or LGBTQ+, for women, for people of color or immigrants.  they refuse to admit that they’re wrong, lying or being hypocrites.  it’s scary, and it’s making me so frustrated.

you can either go with a political party that wants EVERYONE to be accepted and not told how to live (ignoramuses included), or a political party based upon control, fear of god (i’m sure they really aren’t scared, but most people that believe in it may be, so let’s go with that), hatred, racism that want to hold the party that accepts everyone down unless they match up with their agenda…  it’s quite black and white.

this article made me so bummed and inspired this post.  it just made me think about how shitty the internet has become and how shitty and insane people actually are.  it started out fun… wtf happened?  sure, there have always been shitheads online, but now they’re in droves – but they’re actually posting these bullshit comments and walking around out there in the world.  it’s frightening.

read any daily mail comments section on an article about trump and see what i’m talking about.  in fact, here’s one… it’s sick.  it’s the left are nuts, libs this, libs that, libTARDS as if using the term “retard” isn’t offensive…  BUT THEY ARE FULL OF RESPECTFUL CHRIST LOVE, WTF?

that article also made me think about the jealous, mental case that stalked me online for years.  how sick is it that the internet just gives creepy freaks the freedom to just act however they want?  if i wasn’t online, would it be that she follows me around in her car?  at that rate, i could at least call the cops.  here, there are no boundaries.

listen, i do not think i’m perfect or anything great – but i go out of my way to never purposely do shitty things to people.  i don’t hate minorities, i don’t hate LGBTQ+ folks, i don’t lie, i don’t treat friends badly, i try to help people, i have manners, i mind my business, etc. – maybe i’m not having manners by posting some of these things here regarding religion or about the world being overpopulated (i’m sure that will offend some), but this is my website where i can post any damn thing i want.  you don’t have to read it…

in closing, everything is just awful and everyone discourages me.  i’d love to see change, but i know i won’t.  please forgive my ranting, and try to be a better person if you fall under any of the things i just bitched about…  pride is an ugly thing.