June 24th, 2014 @ 1:42 pm
i’ve lived alone since january 1, 2010. i moved into my super inexpensive, basement, studio apartment in ridgewood… and i loved it.
when i first moved into my teeny apartment, it felt so weird. i remember thinking to myself often that was in bed, and i was also in my kitchen. it took a really long time for me to get over that… i almost felt like i was in a glorified dorm room or something. i had always lived with my mother and sister, so it was also quite lonely when i got there. it was a horrible time for me in life as well, so that didn’t help. i had just lost my awesome apartment in brooklyn, no thanks to my shithead roommate, i had to move back to my mother’s house for a few months, and the kid i was dating broke up with me around that time. i was stuck in this horrible rut and then i was lonely.
my apartment wasn’t close to where i grew up in the ‘burbs, so i barely saw my best friend sophie, unless we were doing our holiday cocktail lounge friday’s. my friend that used to hang out with me at my BK apartment suddenly dropped off of the face of the earth (i’m guessing bc it was no longer convenient for her to commute to my place? AND it was a small apt), and everyone else was just far. i tried to do new things to keep myself busy, and tried things that were out of my comfort zone… i hung out with new/random people, went to the local bars, went to shows and met people, hung out with guys that were NOT in my circle of friends (which was totally awkward). i didn’t feel satisfied at all doing all of these brave new things. strangers are fucking awkward, and the dudes i was meeting all bored me or weirded me out.
i didn’t really start getting comfortable until my life started coming back together. i had moved closer to jes and we were spending more time together, i had met my best friend lauren and i was going out to and watching ranger games again (bars), i started hanging out with my other close friend steve, then i met elbow… then one day i had realized that i was happy, and that i loved living alone. no headaches, no fighting, no having to converse after a long day… i could just come home to complete and utter silence.
THENNNNNNNNNN my landlord in ridgewood had died suddenly, and his kids sold the building. the person who was buying it wanted to move into my basement apartment, so i had to go.
i couldn’t find any apartments that i liked, nor could i find any in ridgewood, really. it was february, and not the ideal apartment hunting month. the one that i kept going back to was this 2BR that wasn’t too far away from where i had been living. i went to look at it, and i liked it enough to grab it. the only thing was, it was almost twice what i was paying in rent for my studio. elbow and i were almost at our 2 year mark, so i figured moving in would be a glorious thing for us. the fact that it wasn’t an even split financially burdened me horribly, and we broke up. we seriously never fought or anything, it was just the money (and lack of general motivation on his part) thing that was awful. i have never felt comfortable or good living in this apartment because of it.
six months later, i’m still in the same shitty rut. my friend bianca needed to move out of her apartment, and i am having her move into mine, this august.
this is really hard for me.
i feel like i’m taking a huge step backwards in life, because i’ve been able to do it by myself for years.
i love living alone, and i feel so defeated. i’ve always been so proud that i could manage to live on my own for this long. this apartment just kills me… so i HAVE to. plus, i really need to save money.
bianca is super nice, so i am not worried about having a roommate i won’t like or whatever. it could be anyone. it might be nice to have someone living with me again. we shall see.
my lease is up in february, so if this doesn’t work out, we’re not committed to living together.