#NYR, the 80s, the 90s, going to shows (punk, ska-punk), cycling/modifying my track bike, getting tattoos, spending time with genuine people, making jewelry, watching frasier, visiting filming locations, rad nail art, graffiti (as an observer), dying my hair unnatural colours, ice cold coors light (bottles, plz), graphic design, eargesting music, warm coffee/iced lattes, #NYM, netflix (binging in general), punk stuff, horror, autumn, winter, making t-shirts, watching twin peaks, vinyl toys, bargain shopping, architecture, traveling, making memories, reading, replacing nostalgic relics, philanthropy (whenever possible), wordpress development and coding in general (PHP, XHTML, CSS, SCSS, jQuery)
i’m pretty sure i found jason’s art in hi-fructose magazine… or maybe it was beautiful decay? either way, i was enamored with his art and at some point when i was living in rego park, i decoupaged his grandparents into a halloween scene piece that i was working on. i had read the issue and came back to it later in life, so i had no idea what the back story was. once i went back to the issue, i then googled and found his IG.
@jasonbardyarmosky is an amazing artist and his paintings are insane. i will let his art speak for itself. however, the point of this post is that he is fucking HOT, so i’m showcasing his beauty.
musically, i’ve never been a fan of gaga (the shock value… not about it, either). for no good reason, she just never was my thing. i love her as an actress, though. i also reeeeeeeeally love her as a human. it doesn’t hurt that she too, is also a native new yorker. always a plus in my book.
i was looking at her IG the other day and realized when she’s not covered in 30 lbs of makeup, she’s even more gorgeous. those freckerrrrs, sexy lips, amazing natural brows, flawless skin and a gorgeous face.
i want a top floor, back in central queens (or seattle, of course).
i want a balcony.
if i can’t have a balcony, i want corner windows with trees surrounding them, so all i see is green.
i want to be able to have a queen sized bed with a four-poster bed frame covered in twinkle lights.
i want space.
i want peace and quiet.
i want to inhale a new feeling.
♥ ♥ ♥
i’d also like a cartier love bracelet… a girl can dream, right?
i decided to watch donnie darko today, since it’s been a while. lawwwwwd, a youthful, hairless faced jake gyllenhaal (and he is wearing a punk shirt in image uno, so you know i’m drooling)… yesplz. his lips, that mischievous smirk during most of the movie… woof.
AK was a sexual awakening for me. i got yelled at for calling him hot while watching the under the bridge video when i was like 10, lol. nothing gets me all hot n bothered like a young anthony with honey blonde hair… dear satan. oooooooooooof, yes plz.
i have so much shit to do this year… big stuff. i always make a bunch of “stress clouds” (write out the probs, cut them out into shapes of clouds) and i put them in a little cluster on one of my walls for perspective. i like to easily see the things i need to do, and tackle them one at a time. i take them down and tear them up into tiny little pieces. it feels great.
one of the biggest things this year is that i have a few health things that i need to sort out – i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to have my fallopian tubes removed fully, but my healthcare doesn’t cover it. they DO however cover cutting the tubes (i don’t want them tied, i want them separated fully). so i have to call my insurance and see what the deal is with that.
i think dealing with this whole pinched nerve in my neck/spine thing really pushed me directly into “make doctors appointments and go to the appointments”. don’t think – just do. that’s usually my motto for most things i need to do in life, but this pandemic really isn’t helping matters for me in that dept. my focus for most things has been completely OFF for the last two years… esp my health.
one of my procrastination projects is lasering off my freaking armpit hair. i have such a pet peeve for shaving my armpits. i have to do it every other day, and i’m prone to ingrown hairs, so it’s just itchy/painful and so annoying on a regular basis.
i clearly can’t get into the super big shit here, but i really can’t wait to see where my life is at the end of the year. i haven’t felt like myself in a very long time for a number of reasons. looking back, i felt really more comfortable with myself in certain eras – or did i? i feel like sometimes we just romanticize times in our lives. i don’t want to keep doing that, but i also want life to feel like that NOW… not when looking back.
i feel like i don’t belong in nyc anymore. i don’t know what’s here for me. am i waiting for cliche happiness to find me here? how come great things never find me? i’m sick of looking.
i have set a goal for myself for queens/nyc one last time for the next couple of years. if i can’t accomplish those things, i want to hightail it out of here. there has to be more than dodging the past like an obstacle course in bayside, not looking at places my family used to live that have died (it’s so fucking depressing), seeing favorite places that have closed, not being able to see people like i used to, watching my neighborhood change into copy+pasted, ugly orange brick, marble detailed houses nobody asked for, everything being so fucking expensive for no reason (rent, especially), living paycheck to paycheck bc i’m sending money to my 401k and savings just to make sure i can survive later in life, reliving past lives being in certain places…
it’s just all so fucking overwhelming. i need peace, calm vibes, trees, cool weather. i need to look out of my apartment windows and see the leaves of trees – just GREEN lighting up my place. i want nature and a skyline at the same damn time… i can’t have that here.
oh wait, i probably could in my dream areas of manhattan, but i can’t fucking afford it.
* * *
my one beautiful escape here in this adolescent hell hole, is riding my bike. i can’t do that with this windy ass winter, fucked up spine/neck discs and pinched nerve, AND my favorite issue (/s): two dudes i used to date/fuck are always on my route. one i want to avoid like the plague, and he’s always at this one park in the early AM w his big scary pit bull (before kids are around) and the other one is a guy that i will probably never fully get over (not in a psychotic way, just a “bad timing/one that got away” way – i never really think of him/that situation until i see him). every time i see him, he always calls me over, we shoot the shit and i am brought right back to that time it just pisses me off.
this is precisely why i never wanted to live over here again in my life. i wanted to file all of this place under the “K BAIIIIIII” file in the back of my brain, yet here i am, like a big moron. i have noooooooo idea why i agreed to live over here. was i that enamored by a fucking park with a lake? was it bc i was closer to my mom? i guess i didn’t realize how long i’d be here… four years later, i’m ready to tap out.
at any rate, i have the clouds in front of me. there are like 10 of them… here we gooooooooooooo!
i realize that he says it’s only a possibility, and probably a small one, but that reunion is on my freakin live shows bucket list! i remember reading years ago about how jesse said he didn’t want to do it bc the crowd wouldn’t be like at smaller shows they used to play… and i totally get that. i just feel like their cult audience would be HUGE. where/how would they play???
tl;dr: operation ivy was a fuckin RAD band from cali basically invented ska punk (hello, what i listen to 60% of the time), broke up after like two damn years and only ONE official record, but that record was amazing. so amazing that they continue to have a cult followed legacy til this day!
two of the members went on to start a staple band in the punk community (rancid – fortunately for us, sometimes we get to see them play op-ivy songs), and the other two went off on their merry ways without a big spot in the “popular” punk limelight, but still had notable projects. anyways, we little ska-punkers born in the early 80s have only DREAMED of seeing op-ivy live, because well, they broke up before we hit age 10.
now, what i was saying before was that the lead singer said he would only want to perform to a smaller venue-type crowd. well, i don’t see how that’d happen, seeing as that they’ve got so many damn fans at this point – even generations after they were in their hay day… but i hope they can think of something, bc not everyone just wants to SEE op-ivy just to say they did. some of us want to sweat, skank, pit, dance, sing and experience that shit to the fullest (ahem, me and a ton of my friends).
i bet you it would only be west coast, and they’d have to do secret shows. maybe scavenger hunt the hints to them, and you know the god damn internet would ruin it for everyone… it’s so annoying, you know you’d have idiots showing up for multiple shows too. i remember when billie joe was doing his solo or other band shit a few years ago, he was trying to tell people online to not do that so everyone could experience it and STILL people didn’t listen… PEOPLE SUCK. the internet sucks, but i digress.
an op-ivy reunion somehow? my heart would be so full.
years ago, i dated a dude whose brother and best friend were obsessed with glassjaw… i soon also became obsessed with glassjaw, and kept following along with other projects that came about via the extremely talented lead singer, daryl.
one of his musical projects ended up being a band called head automatica. i was fucking THRILLED about this in particular, because this mixed up genre of a band was absolutely right up my alley. i am extremely into new wave/80s/dance/electro anything, so this new band fit right into my repertoire of musical interests. like, so right up my alley that it even featured tim armstrong (a dude from one of my favorite punk bands, rancid) on a pop dance track. what in the actual fuck?! (but it worked…)
i grew up in the 80s and have always loved new wave (especially the weird, left of center shit), i love synthy pop dance stuff, i came into various types of punk on my own and went to raves in the 90s. i feel like head automatica sounded like pieces of all of those things. it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what they sound like. i listen to all different types of music/bands and i don’t even know who to compare HA to. when it came out, i guess you could call it some type of indie pop rock, because it (thankfully) wasn’t main stream enough to be straight up pop music, not that daryl would have allowed that shit anyway… that was a genre we kind of what we kept shoving all types of “myspace bands” and indie into at the time.
so now that i’ve professed my love, i am here to profess my frustration.
i was looking around some archived bookmarks i have in my browser and came across this, which i had forgotten about:
first off: i didn’t take this video – it’s just on youtube… but i was at this show at blender theater, and i did get to witness this IRL and it was glorious. i remember while this was happening, i was instantly like “this is going to be my favorite song off of this new album”, and proceeded to shake my fat ass in the crowd.
secondly: this song, nor the album it’s on were ever released. they were performing songs off of the 3rd album live, soon before they were going to release it. it was named “swan damage”.
i googled what i could about the release of that album, and came across a few things and articles regarding swan damage. tl;dr: daryl wanted his projects off of the label they were on, and unfortunately that also affected the album. he talks about it MAYBE being leaked someday, doesn’t say who or how… just kind of eludes to it. unfortunately though, it seems as if he’s put all of this behind him. as a fan waiting for this stuff, well, that selfishly hurts.
to me, head automatica feels like “well, it’s better to have loved and lost”. like, thank you universe for letting us experience it, but we should just be grateful we had it at all? uh, we could still have swan damage probably/maybe/who knows/i dunno/please just do this one last thing.
i dunno how that’s fair, but still we devoted fans still follow DP’s moves and punish ourselves, lol.
* * *
listen, daryl, you sexy bastid, if you ever see this post… please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please (zing!) release the kraken. swan damage does NOT feel old to the people that have been waiting for years now. we haven’t heard it over and over again. this song above, i don’t know what the actual lyrics are bc it’s a bit fuzzy. i want primo quality… i would like to see this in front of me again, when we can go to shows and dance my ass off. the few swan damage tracks you did play during that era sounded so mature in the HA archive. as aforementioned, HA wasn’t like most bands out there. you did what you wanted. i KNOW who inspires you musically (squeeze, elvis costello, the jam, etc.), and i feel like you were finally applying it to this project. don’t get me wrong, i love “beating heart baby”, and fuck the label for wanting 10 of it… but that wasn’t my favorite track. “the razor”, “laughing at you” and “cannibal girl” are probably my favorites, alongside the song above. i don’t even know what it’s called… but i’m sure the mastered version would have been in my top 3, sir.
* * *
it’s so hard being a fan of daryl’s, bc while he’s a musician, he’s also a CREATIVE human being. he moves fluidly between or onto new projects, and for us greedy fans that want more of something, we get the brunt of it and get impatient. as a glassjaw fan, we had to wait 9 years for new EPs and 15 years for a full album.
on the other side of the token, i actually feel guilty having these feelings. it’s not my business to get pissy about having expectations, i guess. it just sucks that he was just kind of over it, when i felt like he was finding himself in such a great, creative place. i feel like a label and it’s expectations killed this shit for all of us.
as for side projects, house of blow, head automatica, SPORTS, color film (bad saint… i melt. ♥)… they’re all so good! i guess as fans we just have to cherish what we get blessed with by him and just be happy with it.
* * *
i got to meet daryl at an album release party via some rapper i used to know. not only did he perform there that night, but we were all in VIP, so once i was drunk enough to actually utter words to him, i thanked him. it was all i wanted to do, honestly, bc you know that whole “never meet your heroes” expectations thing… i was at a loss for many words, but he was sweet when i said that to him, and i hope he knew how much i actually meant it.
we chit chatted about nonsense i’m sure. at that very moment, i was schlepping vinyl records in milk crates for a mutual connection DJ friend, who had also performed there that night. i remember him thanking me for knowing all the words to the house of blow songs (i’m guessing he saw me in the crowd singing along) and then asked me if he could hug me (obviously i said yes, and i remember that his leather jacket was so damn stiff, that it was hard to get a good one, but i still got one ♥).
anyways, my point is… i don’t know if musicians really understand just how much music touches people, but hopefully when we tell them “thank you”, even if that’s all we can get out of our star struck mouths, they understand what we mean. music has always been a massive part of my life, and while i’m not a very emotional person, music always overwhelms me. it powers me, it helps me, it makes me emotional… music is magical.
to have another chapter of head automatica would be amazing for us fans… just putting it out there. maybe our other mutual connection that works at the shitty label will find a way to um, *cough*leak*cough* release it.
if you’re not new around here, you know how much i LOATHE domestic transplants that move to my city… the city and borough i came flying out of the womb in, the streets and public schools that raised me, well, i have a lot of pride for all it. i’m annoyingly, possessively protective of her and i know i am obnoxious, and i’m not sorry for it, but i digress. the reason i came here to bitch about domestic transplants today just kind of ties into why i’m here.
two days ago, i came across this article. now, as a native new yorker, i like to think of my insides as an immunity tank. in fact, i usually tip my hat to the city when bringing up my strong immune system. commuting for so many years on the mta and eating processed food for most of my life must have really keith richards’d my insides (nope, taco bell has never and still doesn’t make me instashit). i’m rarely sick, and while that’s great and all, i read articles like that about NYC pollution and i’m just like “fuck, that’s bad/gross” and it snowballs my thoughts from “this city is filthy” (honestly the first thing i said to myself exploring chicago was “holy shit, it’s like being in manhattan but it’s not dirty!”) to “idiots really come here to deal with the disgusting mta and pay high ass rents, just to feel like real new yorkers”.
WWWWOOOWWWWWWW… YOU PROB STRUGGLED LIKE A COLLEGE PERSON, W A ROOMMATE OR TWO IN YOUR LATE 20S AND MAYBE EVEN INTO YOUR 30S AND MANAGED TO SURVIVE SOMEHOW… i guess that feeling of non-rural accomplishment really does a number on people’s dopamine. congrats, you cornballs.
this thought just always brings me back to “why the fuck do they come here, like, really? and why aren’t there more cities like NYC in this country so we can get a break?” there is so much land in this country, why tf are we not building a few more major cities? why aren’t we building something like THIS (we have finally made it to the inspiration of this article) someplace in the middle of spacious, rural states? this seems like what people dream nyc or parts of nyc to eventually become, and it will probably never be – i don’t think it physically can be.
this city is probably unfixable as a whole… everything is basically already setup with no room to grow. we’re literally living on small islands. p.s. – robert moses (the racist shitface) laid out all of the highways like a goon, there are WAY too many vehicles in this city, no one knows how to merge when driving the surplus of said vehicles on the said highways (pissing everyone off as a whole, and adding commute time to our days bc satan forbid there were HOV or bus lanes going into manhattan), there are cemeteries in the middle of boroughs taking up so much space, the MTA can’t be redone and has so many dead zones in the middle of boroughs, LIC built itself up too much and views of the city are being blocked, bike lanes? yeah okay, sorry, no space for them without pissing off drivers, rents aren’t really going down even with this fuckin pandemic happening, and the only solution? BUILD “AFFORDABLE” HOUSING aka ugly/tiny unit buildings with bedrooms the size of king sized beds (y’all are really okay with that?) that we don’t even have room for in this fucking city, etc…
having a town/city like myTengah would be better for the environment overall. why hasn’t anyone tried to do this in the US? what are urban planners doing in this country? i’m so confused and annoyed. NYC should be this, and now it can’t be. the more people that move here, the less wiggle room there is to even implement things like that. now i understand people come from all over the world to live here, but as i’ve said in the past, i have more respect for people fleeing their countries for good reasons than goons from iowa, that just want to wear paisley and buffalo plaid clothing at the same time, while wearing sunglasses at night and beige yeezy’s just to say they can “finally be themselves”. bruh, go do that shit in iowa.
omg, just give this city a decade or three to fix itself. maybe i missed my calling trying to be an urban planner… i didn’t think this was too shabby of an idea, maybe someone should listen to the people.
i just finished watching “living single” straight through. i always watch it when i catch it on tv, but i haven’t watched it straight through since i was a kid. it’s a quick 5 seasons (i thought i binged shows quickly before, but this pandemic while WFH really speeds things up, lol), and the last season wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t quite great. what made it le suck was that kyle wasn’t in the last season. i also never knew until now that the reason tc carson left – multiple conflicts with the writers (he was the bridge between the cast and the writers) and of all fucking things… warner brothers favored and chose to market FRIENDS over living single.
this irritates the shit out of me bc fuck that over-hyped, not funny show… but also, fuck the writers and anyone that argued with carson, bc living single was not only an amazingly written show and fucking hysterical, but it represented black people in positive, successful lights and if they hadn’t of fucked up season 5, they definitely could have kept going.
the living single cast had such good chemistry – even with smaller roles, they just vibed so well with the main cast – UNTIL SEASON FIVE. the bunk substitute roommate, the new girl that moves into the building… it was just so forced. it was awful. the last episode made up for it though.
anyways, the reason i came to post here was bc as soon as i finished up the series, i googled to follow up with why it was cancelled, etc. and i came across this article. funny enough, i tweeted this the other day:
i wouldn’t be opposed to even a “living married” or something, but i think waiting and doing a retirement version would be amazing, too. i read there was a spin-off called half & half, that featured an episode starring max, kyle and their 7 year old daughter…
either way, that cast deserves a show if they want it, and we true fans defffffffffff want it… so, hopefully something will happen with that. anyways, if you’ve never watched it, watch it (i watch it on tv sometimes – google it, but it’s also on hulu)! man does it make me miss NYC in the 90s something fierce. the style, the music, the famous athletes that cameo, the vibe of the city, the slang i grew up with, the show features all of that good stuff.
please, when we can have concerts again, i would like this very much at terminal 5:
like, i need to dance for hours to VERY happy, funky music. i don’t think this would ever happen, but to have the trifecta of greatness as i have just listed, would be the biggest synth-pop/house music showgasm of my life.
and universe… please make it happen on a day that doesn’t conflict with any concert that is rescheduled from this the shit show that was 2020.