May 10th, 2020 @ 2:59 pm
i rewatched ally mcbeal again, and this hit me pretty close to home:
“the real truth is, i probaby dont want to be too happy or content bc then what?
i actually like the quest…the search. that’s the fun – the more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to.
what do you know? i’m having a great time and i don’t even know it.” – ally
* * *
i am a person that loves and hates change equally. i am all about stability – long-term jobs, long-term relationships, constant places i like to call home, etc., but i also love change. i was moved around A LOT as a child, and never knew stability. actually, the only stability i knew were via my family. my aunts – their houses, the love and support. i think that’s why i hold those places so dearly to my heart. i think i just enjoy changes of scenery… i think back to all of the places that i’ve lived on my own in NYC in the last decade, and they’re like small, different lifetimes. i miss those places so dearly. the freedom of new adventures, new places, new people… now i’m in bayside and am so miserable.
i rarely fight with boyfriends in general, and steve and i rarely get into them, but the only ones are sometimes about our living situation. he wants to buy a house, and i don’t. he wants to live here in northeast queens (and would happily live in nassau county) and i don’t. while i understand the purchasing of property is an investment i agree with, i still prefer living in apartments. that would probably be my personal goal.
i have absolutely ZERO desire to be here anymore – especially with my family gone. it’s actually heartbreaking to be alone here in these neighborhoods without those people. it’s like ghost towns of a former life i can no longer obtain. driving by my old houses, my mom’s house she just moved out of, my aunt carol’s old apartment or aunt necie and uncles joe’s house? i can’t even. it’s just too sad.
for me, this area is legitimately stifling.
anyways, the last one argument steven and i had, he actually told me it’s like i live to be depressed. i don’t remember how we got to that statement from the living situation discussion, but clearly it made enough of an impression on me to linger. i think what bothers me about it is that he said that as a bad thing. i derive most creativity and some comfort from being introverted/alone, being sad, having struggles (for lack of a better word). i don’t mind not being super happy, which probably sounds weird… but, that ally mcbeal quote above kind of summed it up for me.
i’ve always had the overall mindset that refreshing your life is good for you. it’s how i always handled breakups, friendships disintegrating, other hardships.
“sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free” – the bouncing souls
while getting over things is tough, those feelings eventually pass. i’m turning 40 soon and i guess it feels like another return of saturn for me. i need a serious F5.