September 21st, 2021 @ 11:56 pm
welp, i turned 40 the other day…
i am not happy about it, and i’ve been trying to figure out why it freaks me out so badly. as mentioned in my last post, an aunt of mine died this summer and my uncle passed away last week – my mother’s only brother. mortality just keeps testing me…
my mother is most likely less than 20-30 years away from no longer existing. she’s plagued with rheumatoid arthritis and was a smoker for YEARS (not to mention would sit inside with my family full of smokers and she went out to places when you could still smoke indoors for decades).
i know that is so fucking morbid to think about, but it’s so much more obvious as i’m getting older, and i fucking hate it. it’s hard enough getting through this shit pandemic, but losing family members after not being able to see them, while facing aging is just… a lot. especially 6 days before my birthday.
i feel like i’m being melodramatic about age 40, but i feel like the older we get, the faster time flies. no one in my family makes it out of their 80s. how fucked is that? i’m now halfway there, over a tiny hill.
i imagined turning 30 to feel like this, but it didn’t. i loved my 30s! i was so scared to hit my 30s, but they were good to me. this bullshit didn’t hit me until this ungodly number.
i’m feeling very confused and midlife crisis-y and i can’t wait to go on vacation next month. i need an escape from reality for a bit.