November 30th, 2021 @ 5:33 pm

(the title to this post is a nirvana song, don’t you worry.  i’m not suicidal or anything…)

…but i have decided i’m having an existential crisis as of lately, that’s why i’m getting so weird/anxious about shit.  if you know me IRL, i constantly ask the universe why tf my mother didn’t just swallow me.  i legitimately don’t want to be on this earth.  for thanksgiving, i took a ride upstate with her and in the car, she went ON and ON about my father being the love of her life and it was so nauseating.

my father was an abusive, scary, angry drunk.

when my father found out my mother was pregnant with me, one night she decided not to hang out with him late into the midnight hour.  what did he do?  he tried to beat her up.  she ran into a bathroom to hide from him and he ripped a door off of the door frame and hit her in the stomach.  she left and never saw him again after that… until i found him 21 years later.

this was the “love of her life”.

like, what in the actual fuck?

i am such a miserable, angry piece of shit.  i serve no purpose.  i don’t want to have kids, i’m not making the world a better place, i’m not sure if and when i’ll ever be happy, i’m sick of being let down by everyone.  i’m just so sick of everything.  is there anyone that doesn’t let me down?

you know what’s sick?  (TMI) the first thing i think about when i read this post/that song’s title, is how my ex had a poster of kurt on the wall with the song title written over his head, near his bed.  when we used to have sex, i’d either be glancing at kurt or the rancid poster on the ceiling.  i mean, of course i’d be paying attention to what my ex was doing too, i was never bored, but i couldn’t help drifting to that poster.  whenever i feel like this, that’s just where my mind goes – to that song title – to those words.  it just sums up how i’m usually feeling.

re: the image above…  the sad part is that i don’t think it ever will.  let down after let down, even with expectations low.  i just feel like i have nothing to look forward to anymore.