November 23rd, 2021 @ 2:15 pm
this is definitely getting worked into a future tattoo, lol.
this has been me all month.
i just finished watching seinfeld straight through. i watched it as a youth, but watching it straight through was great. i know i’ve said this before, but i honestly have no idea how i ever watched tv on a weekly basis. it’s probably the only millennial thing i’m truly guilty of. my focus bc of streaming all of these years has ruined me in that way.
anyway, this scene really hit home. i RARELY cry – especially about anything recent. when i actually cry, it’s bc of something related to the idea of my cat dying, the song that plays in the scene in “dumbo” when the mom is cradling him through her prison bars, the part in “follow that bird” when big bird was blue, that part in “the land before time” when littlefoot is chasing his own shadow thinking it’s his mother or my untouchable past.
for some odd reason this month has been hitting me hard. the last few years haven’t been easy on my mental health, especially the last two years dealing with this fucking pandemic, but for some odd reason i think clarity is finally hitting me at age forty.
i know i still have a lot of life left (going by age expectancy, anyway), but a decade fucking FLIES and turning fifty at the stage i’m at in life, scares me. i realize no one has to follow that societal bullshit of growing up, getting married and having kids… but it’s also hard on my generation that constantly gets shit on by the idiots in the generation before us that DID live that way… i don’t want kids, i just want to own a fucking apartment!
in addition to that struggle, i don’t know if i still want to live in NYC anymore. my family isn’t here anymore, the city is lacking every haunt i ever loved, it’s so expensive…
i also realized that i need to learn how to have emotions again, bc i think i lost track of them so badly that i don’t even care if i’m cared about or loved by anyone anymore. that goes for both my relationships, friends and family. i just feel so fucking lost. i know i have people that care about me – i don’t mean that i don’t, but i am missing something(s). i don’t know what it is, but i have to change it.
i sometimes think about my exes who have moved on (mainly when they post on instagram) and i feel good knowing leaving them was for a fated reason. some are married with families now – vs. being with my miserable ass… i just don’t know where i lost sight of wanting a future alongside another person. not 10 years ago, i was starting a dumb ass pinterest board thinking i was going to be eventually engaged to an italian kid i was dating. i didn’t realize it, but i think i just gave up.
i sometimes think about why things always go so wrong that i am never the one desired in that solid relationship way, and then i’m conflicted bc i don’t even know if i want it.
i think the most confusing part about feeling that way, is that i don’t even have low self-esteem. i have enough confidence and self-esteem that i don’t care to a fault. how sick and dumb is that? it’s a vicious, confusing cycle. i really need therapy, lol.
i was recently having a talk with my friend about how we don’t know how to love properly bc we weren’t raised that way – we were raised to survive vs. being loved (in a very non-dramatic way). i don’t know how to fix that… either way, i should do it before i’m 50 and miserable, like my mother before me.