May 6th, 2022 @ 12:10 pm

yesterday, my cousin sent us old movies from the 50s-80s from his parents’ house.  it was the first time i’ve ever seen my maternal grandmother in motion.  my grandfather, too, but i don’t really care so much about him.  he was a terrible human to my aunts and uncle, i’ll leave it at that.  seeing my grandma and all of my aunts in their youth… it killed me.  my aunts were gorgeous!  ♥ i was weeping.  i miss my family so much.

once they started edging into the later 1980s, i was watching my aunts and their daughters, who are about 13-15 years older than me.  i don’t know exactly how old they were at the time, but my gosh are our lives different.  my cousin’s daughter was just a few months old in the one video i was watching, now she’s married with her own kid… and here i sit at age 40 with three shades of unnatural hair dye on my head, lol.

it’s just so odd how different generations are.  my mother and her sisters weren’t preoccupied with the same bullshit as i am/was at her ages.  sure, my mom was still dating into her 40s – an outcast among her sisters who were mainly married…  but mom was younger, from NYC and hipper than the rest of her siblings.  she was a rocker, an independent queens chick.  i guess it rubbed off on me, as now that’s me…  i would like to think that i’m not going to turn into my mother, though.  she’s become a paranoid android, but i digress.

the reason i thought to post this was bc i have been under so much stress in the last few years.  between moving back to bayside, where i never wanted to be again, losing my job, being in a relationship that’s faulty, getting older, the pandemic, health issues, strenuous friendships/relationships with friends and family, etc. – and i’ve gotten myself in such a weird rut.  like, are these common 40 year old probs or just “jess can’t grow up” probs?

like i said, watching those movies – what were my family’s issues back then?  i highly doubt it was any of the bullshit running through my brain.  i just found out last year that my cousin’s husband is an alcoholic and always has been.  they were dating when i was a toddler and he’s in most of my earliest memories.  i had no idea…  like, good for the adults for keeping issues under wraps for us kiddos, but i wonder what else was going on that i don’t know about, and how it compares to my current bullshit.

i keep sitting here just like “why at 40 am i CHOOSING to deal with the bullshit i am dealing with?”.  i am better than this and i shouldn’t be dealing with any dumb ass issues that i was socially dealing with in my late 20s/early 30s.  i don’t like how i’m currently feeling and i need to change it all.

i need an F5.