January 25th, 2022 @ 12:56 am
i have so much shit to do this year… big stuff. i always make a bunch of “stress clouds” (write out the probs, cut them out into shapes of clouds) and i put them in a little cluster on one of my walls for perspective. i like to easily see the things i need to do, and tackle them one at a time. i take them down and tear them up into tiny little pieces. it feels great.
one of the biggest things this year is that i have a few health things that i need to sort out – i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally want to have my fallopian tubes removed fully, but my healthcare doesn’t cover it. they DO however cover cutting the tubes (i don’t want them tied, i want them separated fully). so i have to call my insurance and see what the deal is with that.
i think dealing with this whole pinched nerve in my neck/spine thing really pushed me directly into “make doctors appointments and go to the appointments”. don’t think – just do. that’s usually my motto for most things i need to do in life, but this pandemic really isn’t helping matters for me in that dept. my focus for most things has been completely OFF for the last two years… esp my health.
one of my procrastination projects is lasering off my freaking armpit hair. i have such a pet peeve for shaving my armpits. i have to do it every other day, and i’m prone to ingrown hairs, so it’s just itchy/painful and so annoying on a regular basis.
i clearly can’t get into the super big shit here, but i really can’t wait to see where my life is at the end of the year. i haven’t felt like myself in a very long time for a number of reasons. looking back, i felt really more comfortable with myself in certain eras – or did i? i feel like sometimes we just romanticize times in our lives. i don’t want to keep doing that, but i also want life to feel like that NOW… not when looking back.
i feel like i don’t belong in nyc anymore. i don’t know what’s here for me. am i waiting for cliche happiness to find me here? how come great things never find me? i’m sick of looking.
i have set a goal for myself for queens/nyc one last time for the next couple of years. if i can’t accomplish those things, i want to hightail it out of here. there has to be more than dodging the past like an obstacle course in bayside, not looking at places my family used to live that have died (it’s so fucking depressing), seeing favorite places that have closed, not being able to see people like i used to, watching my neighborhood change into copy+pasted, ugly orange brick, marble detailed houses nobody asked for, everything being so fucking expensive for no reason (rent, especially), living paycheck to paycheck bc i’m sending money to my 401k and savings just to make sure i can survive later in life, reliving past lives being in certain places…
it’s just all so fucking overwhelming. i need peace, calm vibes, trees, cool weather. i need to look out of my apartment windows and see the leaves of trees – just GREEN lighting up my place. i want nature and a skyline at the same damn time… i can’t have that here.
oh wait, i probably could in my dream areas of manhattan, but i can’t fucking afford it.
* * *
my one beautiful escape here in this adolescent hell hole, is riding my bike. i can’t do that with this windy ass winter, fucked up spine/neck discs and pinched nerve, AND my favorite issue (/s): two dudes i used to date/fuck are always on my route. one i want to avoid like the plague, and he’s always at this one park in the early AM w his big scary pit bull (before kids are around) and the other one is a guy that i will probably never fully get over (not in a psychotic way, just a “bad timing/one that got away” way – i never really think of him/that situation until i see him). every time i see him, he always calls me over, we shoot the shit and i am brought right back to that time it just pisses me off.
this is precisely why i never wanted to live over here again in my life. i wanted to file all of this place under the “K BAIIIIIII” file in the back of my brain, yet here i am, like a big moron. i have noooooooo idea why i agreed to live over here. was i that enamored by a fucking park with a lake? was it bc i was closer to my mom? i guess i didn’t realize how long i’d be here… four years later, i’m ready to tap out.
at any rate, i have the clouds in front of me. there are like 10 of them… here we gooooooooooooo!