December 6th, 2021 @ 1:00 am
sorry, that last post was rather aggressive. i know i had jumped right into some weird/dark shit and i should have elaborated more eloquently, but i was in a mood.
i always get really angry when i feel that way, and i frequently don’t understand why my mother had me. it’s frustrating bc you can’t even talk to her about shit like this – she doesn’t want to hear it (fine, understandably) and gets defensive without listening. she just thinks we’re calling her a bad mother without listening to what else could have been done for us, which isn’t the case.
she can’t fathom why anyone wouldn’t want to be on this earth, and i have no idea why. i am not the only person walking the earth that didn’t ask to be here and feels this way. my mother was dealt horrible cards with her parents, her relationships, life in general – she of all people should know this feeling. i get so pissed off when i hear her speaking nicely about my father and i really don’t understand why she thought having a child with someone like that was a smart thing to do. i don’t know why she thought having children when she wasn’t financially or emotionally stable was the right or smart thing to do, but here we are. she really gets pissed and doesn’t understand how a person could feel that way. i try to explain things to her and she just thinks i’m talking to her like she’s stupid. i can never win.
the issue with my mother, my sister and i essentially is that my mother has emotional feelings and applies them to life issues vs. objectively talking about feelings and facing an issue head on. my sister and i were raised this way and we weren’t properly taught how to deal with emotions or problems we faced. my mother dismisses these issues we bring up as something we should have told her, meanwhile these were things that should have been discussed and handled at ages 3, 4, 5, etc. – we’re not supposed to tell her how to raise us.
now that we’re adults, we’re fucked up in very specific ways. my sister is in therapy and her therapist tells her this stuff, and i’m sure it applies to the both of us, even if it’ll be in different ways. until i eventually start therapy, i just have to navigate things with suppression, compartmentalization and anger. this is just how i survive – i take my feelings and act like they can’t hurt me. this is why i’m no longer a vulnerable, emotional person. i haven’t been in a really long time, and even when i was, it clearly wasn’t properly applied.
i actively avoid feelings that can hurt me, things that should anger or sadden me just roll off of me, etc. – it’s so unhealthy. so, i blog about it here. i have to get it out somewhere, i guess.
come 2022, i really need to get my mental health in order. i can’t keep walking around like a moron like this.
* * *
in happier (and emotionally healing) news, i was hanging out with the last guy who truly broke my cold, dead heart last week and he told me everything i wanted to hear a decade ago. i couldn’t believe the stuff coming out of his mouth.
i think at this point, after hearing that the feelings i had were indeed and unknowingly reciprocated – i didn’t just make them up in my head – that we were on the same level. he made it seem as i’m basically the one who got away – that he still thinks about me and cares for me on a regular basis, etc. but things didn’t work out bc of something to do with his FAMILY’S CULTURE… it’s astonishing, infuriating, heartbreaking, but i honestly feel better.
for years, i thought i made up the physical chemistry and the love that i thought was there. i thought i read him and us wrong (and other guys after him) and i built a wall taller than the empire state building. i really thought i was a naive idiot, and it’s all because he just didn’t have the balls to tell me this years ago.
…better late than never, so at least i know i can begin to heal and maybe use my intuition and trust again.