August 2nd, 2020 @ 1:00 am
at the start of this pandemic, i was not in good shape. the first few weeks were terrible and full of what i only thought was anxiety, but now i think maybe it was more than that. i had just bounced back from bronchitis, and i went back to the office for a full 5 days. that friday, they announced we were going to be working from home indefinitely. i grabbed what i could in a spare tote that i had on my desk: my laptop, my mouse and mac keyboard. i left my fucking office plant behind, and i will forever regret it (RIP BERNIE). while walking around the city that week/month, i wasn’t wearing a mask yet… a lot of us weren’t. while i’m pretty good at using anti-bacterial if i touch anything on the trains, and washing my hands as soon as i get to the office, maybe it wasn’t enough?
the first week, i was mentally shot. i tried sitting down in my dining room and living room to work from home, not at my desk in my room. it was awful, i was uncomfortable and totally unproductive. the cat was pissy i was at home, my back hurt from sitting on the couch, i had no daily routine, my starbucks closed… i was all fucked up.
i’m usually nauseous in the morning, but this was just so extra at the time. once i realized one of the three local starbucks was still open, i went and bought four of my triple iced espressos just to have for the week. i got halfway through one of them, put it back in the fridge and that espresso and the others sat there for days before i spilled all of them out. they tasted weird. this was march 19th maybe? i haven’t had starbucks since.
i’ve had starbucks every morning for over a decade, unless i was situated in a place that didn’t have a starbucks (ie: last summer when i went to maine for a few days, etc.)
one night, steven and i made some chicken from fairway i had marinating overnight. same ol brand i purchased all the time… that tasted weird. i couldn’t eat it and steven said it was some of the best chicken he’s ever had.
on that same fairway trip, i bought 2 cases of la croix pamplemousse (my fave)… that tasted weird.
the anti-bacterial steven had in the car, i didn’t mind the smell of it until the pandemic happened… it smelled so gross to me, and i’d get pissed if steven “used too much” (which was not a lot, and i LOATHED having to use that one after we went food shopping).
i was having like 3 or 4 anxiety attacks in a day, i had terrible headaches, i’d get winded on the top two stairs up to my room, i was a TAD wheezy, i had no appetite for like two straight weeks… i legit felt like death. i had no fever or anything, and i was chalking it up to getting over bronchitis.
when all of this shit started, it was like, IMPOSSIBLE to get a covid test, so i didn’t bother. one day, i guess i started feeling better. things started tasting okay again, and i didn’t mind the anti-bacterial in steven’s car again. i stopped losing my breath coming up my bedroom stairs.
i’ll never know if i did have covid, unless i get an anti-bodies test and i test positive for them… but i think maybe the window closed for that. what made me think that maybe this was actually covid (i mean, i’ve discussed this with others and they’ve been in agreement i might have), was when i was watching chris cuomo the other night. he stated that his wife got covid from him, and lost her sense of smell and taste, then they came back and then “turned putrid”. things weren’t tasting or smelling right… so i wonder if that’s a symptom of covid.
i never actually lost my sense of taste or smell, but they were definitely off (and sure, we can go with “putrid”).
anyways, months later now, i’m better mentally. i mean, it sucks that we’re stuck inside, but i’m a very patient person. i am not one of those goons that eats or drinks out in front of a bar or restaurant in the open street for normalcy… i think that’s disgusting and super risky.
the only thing i really do outside of my house is ride my bike like 6-10 miles each day, a few days a week. giving myself a work and workout routine definitely helped. it’s obviously terrible that we can’t be with extended covid circles of friends. some people are, but if it means i stay healthy, fuck y’all til 2021.
on top of the entire country falling apart because of shithead president dump, i’m dealing with 9387983 other stressful things to the point where i think i set off my recent diagnosis of shingles.
i have to figure out how to fucking chill out before i really fall apart. i used to write life goals and stresses on paper and cut them out into small clouds and put them on my wall. it was basically a to-do list, and i really have to do that again. sometimes i just need physical, visual perspective of my issues in order to tackle them. right now, i only have 6, and one is about to come down (pay off my credit card). maybe it’ll help me relax, and hopefully not set off any other health issues.
i fucking hate getting older.