September 9th, 2013 @ 1:09 pm
i’m a huge believer in all happens for a reason, but sometimes it’s like… why do these certain things happen?
if i hadn’t met certain people, i wouldn’t have met certain other people. maybe i wouldn’t have had someone’s favorite band shared with me, or discovered i like a certain food or drink, or learned to use photoshop, or adored graffiti the way that i do, etc.
there are only a handful of people that i no longer talk to (and actually care enough about to still think of them), and sometimes it makes me sad, and it makes me wonder if i should try again. if you were once close with someone, what went wrong? can we work on it?
i don’t know.
i think when things are out of my control in that way, it drives my subconscious crazy. especially since i only distance myself from people for good reason (aka you did some dumb shit that i didn’t like, and it was probably obvious that you knew what you were doing, but you didn’t give a fuck… so fuck you, because i’m not going to be the 13 year old that brings it up). i rarely behave badly enough for people to stop speaking to me, especially since i’m no longer in my early 20’s. i like to treat people how i like to be treated.
sometimes you lose sight of who did what, what you were even angry about… it all seems trivial. sometimes you then also get reminded when you do in fact give that person a second chance (that sucks). maybe you get brainwashed by people about people, maybe sometimes you just grow apart from people, maybe egos get in the way… whatever it is.
fix it or forget it?
as i get older, i long for less bad karma — including shaking off the most loathed list. i often find myself trying to make a list in my head of who i am not speaking to, and want to either fix it, or just have closure. it almost irritates me, i guess because i’m an organized virgo – even in life, apparently, lol.