anxiety chokes me like razor wire
July 28th, 2018 @ 2:04 am
"i am a weekday on weekends..."
She/Her
42 years old
QUEENS, NYC
United States
Website URL:
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July 28th, 2018 @ 2:04 am
July 28th, 2018 @ 1:46 am
after i had posted earlier today, i was thinking to myself… “why do i still have a website (/blog)?” the term seems like it’s almost obsolete in terms of personal websites or blogs. i’m also going to be 37 this year… but that’s a dumb reason to stop doing this. i have some weird fixation and anxiety that people need to “grow up” at some point. like i will just magically give up dying my hair, getting tattoos, dressing like a 13 year old sk8r boy or using this website. i mean, i don’t want to get married nor have kids, so do i even have a growing up point? newp.
i’ve been doing this since the late 90s, and i don’t like NOT having one, whether i commit to posting to it or not. i gained so much inspiration and a bunch of friends bc of these types of websites over the years. i guess part of me keeps going in case people do the same with me. random online friends came about that way, so why not? i can see in my stats that people still come here, even if they’re not interactive (i know, it’s not exactly a wall or an instagram comment, so you clam up), so i guess i just keep going. it’s also quite therapeutic in a way and helps articulate my thoughts better.
my ex once told me that he thought i was a “public figure” or something of sorts on here. i kind of find that funny/weird, but i know what he meant. maybe i’m not relevant in a circle of bloggers or webmasters anymore, but it’s okay. i like having a site like this available to people just like when i actually find one that still exists.
i love (harmlessly) going through websites. between seeing other people’s interests and recommendations, and just relating issues to other people’s, so you don’t feel alone in this shitty world, i appreciate these types of websites. for me, it’s not about making myself seem cool, getting attention, etc. – if you had this type of a website, i’m sure you’d understand that. it was mostly about the layout/design work, the coding… etc. – the content is the last thing i think we worried about. i think our mission was just being ourselves and like finding people we can relate to. we’re not all just narcissists.
i don’t post as much anymore bc i had (or probably still have) an online stalker. no matter how mild of a stalker she was, i don’t want her to know what i’m doing or where i am, so i no longer post about stuff like that. it kind of blows, but it’s the reality that comes along with this caca. it makes me want to use tumblr more (even though i don’t), at least for the images, so i can talk less about myself (although i don’t really talk much about personal shit here anyway).
i don’t design like i used to with extravagant layouts, and i refuse to budge this amazing myspace layout, so i dunno what to do with this anymore. i know this layout probably just looks like classic myspace to you guys, but it’s customized so much. the ads at the top, everything in the sidebar, the top friends area is all custom coded on the admin side so i can easily add and not have to code anyone in manually… it’s way more impressive on the back-end that you’ll never see. FYI: i had to restructure this entire site solely from classic myspace images via google. sometimes from really shitty small images. so yeah, #nerdalert
i really want to finish a project/zine-ish type thing that i started that’s all designed in web 1.0 like back in the day. maybe in 2019.
i don’t think i really had too much of a point, just blabbering on about nonsense as a blogger does…
thanks for swinging by, i guess.
July 27th, 2018 @ 6:00 pm
i got an invite from ladies love project to take part in a pop-up shop next weekend, but it fell through due to family illness or something with the curator. i was kinda hyped bc i always love doing LLP pop-up shops – i meet awesome people there, drink & eat the best goods and make a nice lil bit o $$$. it also would have motivated me, as i’ve kinda fallen off the jewelry thang. i mean, i make stuff here and there, but i really need to photograph/edit and add to the site. i’ve been so lazy in this apartment bc i can’t fully unpack all of my supplies. i just have no damn room.
anyways, if you’re feeling shoppy, check out UNRULEDclub. maybe i’ll add some new shit this weekend. 🙂
July 27th, 2018 @ 5:44 pm
so since i last updated you, i must say, i have been a lazy stu. i switched over to tom’s deodorant so i wouldn’t have to apply tea tree oil directly and have to reapply (sometimes i have to when it’s reeeeeeeeeeeally NYC humid out). also, it’s hard to see how much you’ve applied and where when you’re doing it directly out of the bottle. i bought a tiny spray bottle, but then it was too much from a spritz… so i couldn’t really find a happy medium. at least i could just go back to the ol’ swipe under the pit as i’ve done for the last two decades. i stuck to the tea tree oil version, though. i figured tom’s was going to be shite and just not work, but i’m pleasantly surprised.
so far, it’s been pretty good through the hot and humid days. after workouts it’s a faint smell o sweat, but i mean, we’re humans and we sweat. i’m not trying to prevent myself from sweating… so yeah, hopefully it won’t just stop working like other natural deodorants have.
i know… super exciting post.
July 18th, 2018 @ 2:33 pm
so out of nowhere (not that i’m complaining), a buzzfeed author wrote an article about gwen stefani yesterday. tl;dr (it really is long): it mentions her relationships, but mostly focused on how successful she is, and about the fight gwen has with her image and how we perceive the act/character of gwen stefani. honestly, i didn’t realize this act gwen even existed. it made me even more angry than usual towards her, lol. it’s just like, who even are you?
* * * * *
now, as a teenager of the 90s, i got THE gwen. the gwen that everyone looked up to, wanted to look like or wanted to bone. for me, when i first saw/heard “just a girl”, i wasn’t like YEAH, OMG GIRL POWER!!!1 – i can’t relate to that feminist spark. i totally agreed with all of it, but i mostly just simply heard something that was right up my alley bc i loved punk/alt rock (i didn’t know what ska or ska-punk was yet), but i also heard synth in it. i also knew right away that her style – i wanted parts of it. right away, NxD really just appealed to me and got the ball rolling for a lot of the genres of music i’d come to grow into.
July 9th, 2018 @ 11:19 am
i love face to face so fucking much, and this song has been stuck in my head since saturday, as it played twice in kristen’s car on the way to the beach.
they’re playing on my birthday this year, but they’re doing an acoustic set. i am so bummed about it. 😐 i just want a good pit to dance around in for my bday. these vans can’t skank forever, i’m getting older, lol.
FACE TO FACE, COME BACK TO NYC!!!1
July 2nd, 2018 @ 6:12 pm
my bedroom in this apartment is so weird… it’s basically a long room and i don’t have big closets like my last two apartments, so there’s shit everywhere. i just found the box with my posters in it and dug out the misfits “famous monsters” poster. i want to hang it, but there’s basically nowhere to put it. i have an “attic” type bedroom with angled walls to the ceiling, so that’s the only real estate i have left. i mean i guess i could just do that…
anyways, i threw on both graves era albums straight after finding the poster, and now i’m all pissed bc i’ll probably never get to see a reunion with graves. i saw him perform with them one halloween at “the world” in times square, but it wasn’t even a full set. i want both damn albums played in front of me… it’s not fair. i watched and read a few interviews where it’s basically stated that it’s never going to happen, but we can all throw it out into the universe every now and again, i suppose.
ENJOY THIS GOODNESS (unless you’re a corny misfits snob):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MO_ZzuRCDOc
July 1st, 2018 @ 12:37 pm
so i’m re-watching shameless, and it’s making me miss chicago something fierce. i mean, i’ve only been there once… calm down, jess. though when my sister and i were there, her friend had work, so we fended for ourselves and explored. we weren’t stuck just doing touristy stuff.
i loved it there… i felt like it was home, plus the extra beauty of lake michigan. i just instantly fell in love. if life ever changes and i’m single again, i’m out there with the quickness. i know i’m a preachy and proud queens chick, but my city has been taken over by a bunch of lame-o hipsters and greedy real estate developers and landlords. there’s no saving it in my lifetime… i’m over it.