September 19th, 2023 @ 12:01 am

welp, i’ve reached level 42… i’m officially 42 years old.

how da hell did this happen?!

September 13th, 2023 @ 7:01 pm

i just wanted to leave here that in my head, the entire time i was reading this book, i pictured sam as this guy.  if there’s ever a movie made for this movie, i hope he gets cast into the role.

this was also SUCH A GOOD BOOK.  i went into this book blindly and i would love if everyone else would, too.  my friend kay was reading this and raving about it the entire time – said she didn’t want the book to ever end… i was intrigued!  i had no idea what it was about and it’s kind of not in the realm of subjects that i would even figure karen would like to read.  funny enough, that’s exactly what the author said about the book.  she didn’t think there was going to be a wide audience for the book bc of the subject matter (which i won’t spoil, unless you google).

anyway, she wasn’t wrong about the book – it was fantastic and i can’t wait to re-read it in the future.

September 13th, 2023 @ 6:45 pm

i typically spend september being active and awaiting cooler weather, but i’ve been upstate helping my mom post-foot surgery, this year.  i can’t believe we’re already in september.  we’ve only got three months left and this year has been another weird one.  while this year was not as proactively changing as much as i wanted it to be, i’m on stable ground financially and saving money for once…  i feel a bit less up in the air as i did all year, even though there are still two variables that need to be figured out.  that will definitely be within the next few months.  i feel good about the next year, which isn’t typically how my outlooks are going into a new year (probably bc i hate new years so much).

anyways, my body feels broken bc i’ve been sleeping on a hard ass futon at my mother’s house.  also, living with family members you haven’t lived with in like 15 years is REALLY stressful.  my mother lives alone, aside from her 4 cats, and in addition to her talking to herself or the tv 24/7, i think my presence is over-stimulating her.  there isn’t a moment’s peace and since she can barely hear out of one of her ears, she always has the tv blaring.  i’m not used to having to be in the same room as someone for all hours of the day, never mind talking the entire time.  i know there’s a day in the distant future where i’ll miss her and want to talk to her, so i shouldn’t complain… but it’s a lot.  it’s also been 2 weeks and i’m not back again until sunday, then i’m going to florida for a week, on my birthday.  i feel like all of september will be a wash around here, but it’s hot AF anyway, so i don’t know why i even care.

i can’t wait for da autumns!

a high point in september, so far: i got to see billy idol live in the flesh last night! jeff and i made the pilgrimage down to flatbush, bk to see him.  that made my little life so happy ♥ billy was awesome.  i didn’t get to see more than one generation x song and he didn’t play the one damn song i wanted to hear off of rebel yell (my favorite, of course).

the venue is absolutely gorgeous – i wish it was functioning when i lived down there, bc it was like 3 stops away from where i lived.  kings theater is an old movie theater that they restored… it’s amazing inside.

August 25th, 2023 @ 7:06 pm

oh gosh, sometimes i forget how much i love this song…  this takes me right back to 1994 and my cousin marie’s room.  one of my favorite songs of the 90s.  we were obsessed with the R+J soundtrack.  ♥ ♥ ♥

August 18th, 2023 @ 9:13 pm

i know, i know… madonna made danceteria famous.  HOWEVER, i’d give my left pinky toe to travel back in time to see this show and be in that pit, omg. it’s crazy to think this show was before november coming fire even existed.

yo, i was 3 years old when this show happened, lol.  what could i have been doin?  i was probably practicing billy idol lips at home, with my mom.  😛

someone posted this show on youtubeeeeeeeeee here (thanks, greg!)

♥ holy heck, i love samhain sm. ♥

August 18th, 2023 @ 2:06 pm

it’s been 6.5 long months without my oscy boo and i am still so heartbroken.  i still randomly just cry about it…  i came across a pic of him just now and i’m bawling, like it was just yesterday that he had to be put down.

i don’t know how to be without him.  i miss his lil attitude.  i look at pics of him and i feel the energy between us that he always gave off.  it keeps him alive, i guess?

i hate this feeling.  death is the fucking worst.

i was cat sitting for elle last week, and her cat looks like oscy, aside from her face.  she’s gray and white and when she sat on my legs or slept in between my legs and wasn’t facing me, it looked like oscy.  it was so weird, yet comforting.

August 15th, 2023 @ 1:34 pm

the faster you learn that life doesn’t hand things over to you, and that you have to get off your ass and make the changes you want to be happy, the better off you’ll be.

life is challenging for a lot of us, sitting around and settling is a massive waste of time.  being depressed, being angry, not fixing health issues, avoiding bills and other big issues, being friends with shitty people, dating or being married to the wrong person, staying at a job you hate, leaving things on the back burner when it’s hard… just fucking do those things.  don’t think about it, just fucking do it.  it’s not as hard as you think it is to change your own circumstances.

sometimes those things are scary to do…  hard to do… but you have to do them.  just deal with it and the issue is gone or at least in motion to change.  it’s really just that simple.  life is constant change and constant challenges, when all most of us want is stability.  the faster you learn that stability is never guaranteed, the better.

i find this shitty little life to be awful, but at least i tackle shit when i need to.  if i’m going to make it through this life, i’m at least going to do it on my terms.

i know i constantly say “next year” but this time i fucking mean it.  i have to get out of this apartment in general, i have a big decision to make about someone i love, i have to figure out if i’m moving out of NYC or not.  i’ve been putting this all off for way too long, and i’m sick of it.  i’m sick of feeling stuck, feeling set aside, feeling unlike myself and most of all, unhappy.

August 9th, 2023 @ 9:43 am

my friend mel posted about her girlfriend not realizing she wasn’t looking in a mirror earlier today, and mildly panicking about it and it made me think about this hysterical time i too, thought i was a ghost via mirror…

***

one time, i was selling my jewelry on the lower east side with touhglove jes and we were taking a break.  we went over to the starbucks on delancey for a lil snack and while we were waiting on line, i was looking at what i thought was a mirror, but was a window.

while we were standing in line, my brain had already started processing that i couldn’t see my reflection and panic set in.  i stared at it for like a min straight and finally, i did a slow wave at it.  jes finally observed what was going on behind her and  she was like “wtf are you doing?”, and i was like “dude, you can’t see our reflections, are we dead? wtf?”, until someone walked by on the other side of it, lol.

in my own defense, it was already dark out and that damn window was dark on the other side of it, too.  she was in TEARS laughing at me, while i mentally bounced back from this absolutely stupid conclusion.

here’s what the store looked like (lol):

July 29th, 2023 @ 7:16 pm

i found this on a modern design/architecture IG account i follow, and i deadass stopped in my tracks in awe of this room.  the rest of the house, including the exterior is absolutely gorgeous, but this room… the contrast of the black and all of the wood (and the wood on the ceiling!), floor to ceiling windows, the nature peeking in, all of the colours in such a mature, well put together way.

♥ i want to live in this ♥

while i make good money, i still can’t afford to buy anything where i live… probably not within 200 miles of where i live, tbh.  i’m not getting any younger, and i’ve gotta figure out a new place to live.  i want to take out a damn home loan and live in my own little happy retreat.  i don’t wanna rent forever and i want to live in a place that i can configure to my liking.

when i was little i wanted to be an architect and an interior designer.  i still have so many desires and ideas! 🙁

maybe in my next life?
le sigh

July 23rd, 2023 @ 12:25 pm

this whole eating edibles thing is honestly still new to me and makes me laugh at how ridiculous i am whenever i eat a full cube vs half.  i’ve already explained the music thing…  but i wasn’t prepared for SMOOTH SKIN.

i am not an OVERLY hairy person by any means.  i would say that i deal with the normal amount of annoying body hair.  i have this weird thing with my legs, though.  i have the coarse ass italian hair from the knees down and from the knees up, it’s just VERY light/long fuzz.  it doesn’t matter how many times i shave it, it doesn’t grow in the same as on my calves/shins.  it’s truly annoying.

for the most part, i just let it be.  i rarely shave it, because you can barely see it.  well, i decided since it’s the summer, i’ll give myself my yearly thigh shave the other night before bed.  it also happened to be right after i took a full edible.

i climbed into bed, put on spotify and set a timer to listen and fall asleep to faith (bc apparently getting stoned and listening to the cure is my new favorite thing).  the AC was blaring, so i got under the covers and instantly realized how smooth my legs were.  the sensation was so weird, lol.  i don’t know why my senses were heightened that way.  i never feel like that when i shave my lower legs.  maybe it’s bc my thighs are used to having this weird little protective shield of fuzz? lmao.

i also exfoliated my entire body with a body scrub and lotioned myself.  i was sooooo soft.  i dunno, but i love that these magical little stoner things keep happening.

July 20th, 2023 @ 12:52 pm

i’ve honestly always hated working from home (wfh).  once i started doing it on a full-time basis, i realized the pros and cons quite quickly.  while i’m in the best shape of my life bc i have more time to walk/cycle, i regularly feel like a slob.

don’t get me wrong, i am gratetful that all i have to do is roll over and log into my computer, but dear satan has it taken a toll on me style-wise.  i don’t need “office clothing” anymore, which is amazing bc i fucking hate dressing nicely, that’s a plus – but i don’t necessarily need to get dressed at all.  i’m pulling anchorperson shit where i’ll just have a shirt on and i’m either wearing short shorts or undies on the lower half, lol.  i showed up yesterday for a meeting wearing a suicide machines shirt (oops) and i had to hide the name of the band with my hair…

i barely wear makeup bc i’m not leaving the house.  i have legit worn lipstick maybe 10 times since pandemic started? (i don’t wear makeup other than eyes/lips, but even then, i’m like “why bother?”)

i also don’t even use a bag anymore.  i have this adorbs little change purse that fits all of my cards, keys, lip balm and mints that i use – it fits right in my pocket.  while i enjoy the convenience of it, i hate it.  i was a bag person.  i loved cool bags…  i was a collector of lesportsac, dammit!

i guess i just miss having a bit more of an aesthetic.  i tweeted about this personal debacle once before and my friend said to just wear lipstick around the house “for me”, but i just find that stupid and wasteful.  bruh, my signature mac lipstick costs $23 per tube.  nah.

i think physically going to work gives you a sense of purpose, something to do – something to even dress for, and that seems to be a little lost on me.  i don’t miss dressing up, but i do miss being more like myself, which does include putting on eye makeup and doing my hair in funky updos and stuff.

i love seeing what people are wearing on the train/walking around the city… i kinda miss that, and contributing to it.  i do love me some extra sleep and commuting money, tho.

July 18th, 2023 @ 12:07 am

i haven’t listened to he is legend in yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeears. i forgot how much i love them.  i always feel so fortunate that i land in the situations and relationships that i do, even if they’re terrible life lessons i have to endure.  if it wasn’t for dating somoene in my past, i wouldn’t have met his brother and best friend who listen to, and got me into post-hardcore and other alt metal bands i never knew about ie: he is legend, glassjaw, alexisonfire, etc. – i’m sure i would have found them on my own eventually bc they’re in the same vein as other music i listen to, but i got a head start in 2004.

♥ so grateful ♥

it hates you is my favorite he is legend album. if you like this song, check out the rest of the album.

July 10th, 2023 @ 11:36 am

i was having lunch upstate yesterday with sophie and our friend agnes.  we agreed upon this adorable little historical area at a halfway point, since agnes lives even further upstate.  while we were driving around looking for parking, i found the most adorable, historical looking area.  it had those adorable little apartment houses like in georgetown, DC – cozy, romantic looking with the old street lamps, tons of trees, quiet little blocks – just super charming…  right up my alley.  i made a mental note to check on apartments when i got home.  turns out they’re what apartments in NYC/queens SHOULD be priced at.  so i was all :wags eyebrows:

i find this a considerable option because it’s right near a metro north train station, also near my family, it’s affordable, and the views and apartments are great.  i really sat here thinking this would be a good decision to make, until i started thinking about the pros and cons.

my immediate thoughts were: too far from a usable airport, too far from live sports, a LONG/expensivvvvvve ass commute, i have ONE friend that lives up there and i don’t drive and shopping is all far away.

these are kind of deal breakers for me, BUT there are also a lot of pros.  near my family, beautiful area, affordable rent, things to do in nature, bars/mom and pop spots are all walkable distance away…

i can get around the not driving thing, because if i was near my mom, we could do shopping trips together – she drives.  the thought of not being a stone’s throw away from manhattan just freaks me out.  i don’t know if i could ever not live within 45 mins of the city – BUT i’ve been debating the thought of moving out of nyc for the last year or so, so i would have to learn to live without that perk, if i move out of state.

i think moving out of state and dealing with that issue seems more realistically acceptable, because i’d probably be moving to another major city (especially good for the live sports issue), but staying in NY and not living near the city and places i utilize just makes me feel so uneasy.

when i was cat sitting in jersey city in april and for most of may, i started digging that area a lot bc of how close it was to manhattan and how cute it was (especially w so many private rooftop decks – a MAJOR plus for my mental health), but i couldn’t commit to that either (i mean it’s nj, ew – half kidding).  it’s also getting expensive there, but i dunno, it seems like an unnecessary hike to move over there, when i could just stay in the familiar.  a plus is that i have friends that live over there, though.

every now and again i think of how these things hold me back, and it makes me feel so entitled.  it’s like when i see people on HGTV shows with their stupid fucking complaints about things when viewing houses…  “[wahhhh] it’s not an open floor layout and the laundry isn’t on the second floor”.  families grew up in smaller houses back in the 50s-90s w laundry in the basement just fine.  these people should be thankful they can even afford to be considering buying a home.  we should all be thankful we can put roofs over our heads and choose where to be living in this shite economy.

i feel a bit entitled bc i won’t move to a place that would help me prosper just because of my social life and live sports?  like, fine, the airport thing i could get around because i could stay with someone in queens the day before… and i don’t travel as often as i used to (i won’t be on steven’s free flying pass anymore).  am i being an entitled bonehead?  i don’t know wtf to do with myself, lol.

June 26th, 2023 @ 2:15 am

i never dreamed about my wedding day as a little girl.  i was too busy riding bikes, building forts, playing manhunt/handball/nintendo and climbing trees to worry about that shit.  even when i played barbies, they just always turned up naked and partaking in lesbian action… but as i’m getting older, i had this itty bitty little spark that changed my mind for a hot second.

if you have ever spoken to me about the topic of marriage and kids, i have been vehemently opposed to both things for ages.  i mean, i am sterilized, but the marriage thing… i might be flexible?

i never felt in my bones that i would be married.  i have never been in a serious enough relationship where it additionally felt right – that i wanted that, though the *thought* came CLOSE once.  i’ve had 6 relationships that were over 2.5+ years long.  4 of them were in my 20s, and i definitely wasn’t ready and i knew i didn’t want to marry my last boyfriend, who took up most of my 30s.

i broke up with each and every one of those guys, so why am i complaining?  well, i would never settle for anything that didn’t feel right, and i can’t imagine marrying anyone i’ve dated, i suppose.  so i guess now the issue is, why does it never feel right?  am i just doomed?

i was one of those “you don’t need a piece of paper” people, and i still am – but i think the celebration of love with a little ceremony would be nice, BUT lawful logistics could also come into play down the line (so logistically, i kind of accept the paper is a part of it).

anyway, i’m turning 42 in 6 months.  not that aiming for a marriage that will hit that 50 year milestone will likely happen, nor is it a goal of mine (clearly)… but like, is it even going to happen at this point? lol.  i just keep thinking about how romantic and special it would be to share that love and commitment with someone you’re in love with.  i can barely wrap my head around it.  i am not a naive idiot that thinks it’s going to be magical all the time, but overall, having that anchor – stability – that connection…  it must be nice.

alls i know is that i have this cute little wedding in my head all of a sudden:  we own a house, we have an evening backyard thing with a small amount of people.  stupid little strung globe lights, eucalyptus with beautiful purple and orange flowers, the sexiest/dark/fitted suit on my groom w his freshly cut hot boi hair, a kite shaped engagement ring, me in a non-white, yet light/creamy dress and just HAPPINESS and L♥VE.

not sure where it came from, but i kinda want that and now i don’t think i’ll ever have it.  because of course, that’s how my stupid little life works.

June 24th, 2023 @ 12:30 pm

i’m chatting w lauren and we’re talking about where we are in life (physically, like in NYC) and we’re talking about me moving out on my own.  i no longer have to super rush to get out of this apartment, but i need/want to before sept/october.  i still have zeeeeero clue where i want to go next.

i hate the unknown.  i’m a control freak when it comes time to certain things, and i hate not being in control of my future, but that’s also what life is, i guess.  facing the unknown bullshit and getting through it…  i always face these obstacles head on, but i’m tired of it.  i want to ffwd and just relax for a bit.

when we were talking about all dat, it occurred to me that this will be the first time i’m living alone in close to a decade.  i no longer want to live with steven, but i’m so used to it, that it’s gonna be so weird when we’re actually apart…  i don’t know what our friendship will look like in the future, and that’s so strange to me.  we were friends for years before we dated.  i wonder if it’ll go back to what we were before or not.

it’s gonna be another step to grieving our relationship we haven’t had to hit yet, since we still live together.  it’s also going to be weird/hard leaving the last house oscy lived in, and leaving my outdoor girl cat.  it’s just nothing i’m mentally prepared for yet, i guess…  but it doesn’t matter.

head on.
i’m ready.

June 23rd, 2023 @ 3:48 pm

dear god, man…  he only gets better with age.

the hair…
THOSE EYEBALLS.

::melt::

June 22nd, 2023 @ 12:15 pm

15 years and 1 day later, my mother and i ended up together again at MSG to see the cure (last night).  we went to this show together and i didn’t realize the date of the show, until i just looked it up on setlist.fm.  what a strange coincidence!

my takeaway: i STILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL have never seen disintegration live, god dammit.  my brain rarely retains setlists, so i was hoping going back and looking at that one, i would have found it there – but NOPE.  apparently, i did get to see fascination street live, twice, tho.

i am scouring tickets for tonight – i might just buy a single to see if i can squeeze in disintegration, lmao.

June 19th, 2023 @ 7:21 pm

i hope i never end up with someone that puts rose petals everywhere.  that shit is so cliche and corny… this made me giggle.  i am an asshole, bc i would absolutely not help clean that shit up.

June 11th, 2023 @ 2:21 pm

gahhhhhhhhhhh!  kylie was/is so cute/hot ♥♥♥

June 11th, 2023 @ 2:00 pm

sometimes it dawns on me that i can never get pregnant because i sterilized myself, and it makes me so fuckin happy.

June 4th, 2023 @ 11:22 am

i’m watching the real world: las vegas and it’s one of those shows that is an absolute time warp.  the show was filmed in 2002 and it FEEEEEELS so 2002.  the decor of the apartment, the technology, the fashion, the music, etc. – it’s so weird how much the early 00s didn’t feel like the 90s, but it truly still was.  i miss them simpler times… watching shows from this time period makes me so nostalgic, but it’s also a time i romanticize. i’ve mentioned it before, but my 20s were either the best or the most terrifying for me.  looking back, it’s more the former.  so much drama, so little guidance.  i learned so much about myself in my 20s and 30s.  in your 20s, you’re still such a little shit – not fully cooked – you’re basically still a teenager.  not knowing wtf you’re going to do for the rest of your life, but you think that’s the age you’re supposed to have it figured out – how terrifying?! but i digress.

it was post-9-11 and it was a hard time to be in NYC, but it was still such a good time to be here.  not gentrified AF/still affordable to live here, we were on the precipice of losing slow-paced life, but we were still enjoying the little things, our freedom, exploring exciting, new technology that still had to make us use our brains vs handing it over to apps and AI bullshit…  2002 was a cozy, comfy, cushy time in the world.  i kinda miss it, but i still wouldn’t want to go back there.

May 30th, 2023 @ 10:29 pm

May 29th, 2023 @ 4:50 pm

so my ex jeff moved back to da hood, and we started hangin out every now and again – not regularly, def not romantically at all… we just try to fit in hangs when we’re both not too tired or busy, i suppose.  we both don’t have a bunch of friends that live in this area anymore, everyone keeps getting married, having kids or have either moved away or are too busy, so we make time to get together sometimes.  when we hang, it’s not weird at all, which is a good thing.  anyway, we were talking about past relationships with other people and of course it always makes me think of the stalker goon…

i was thinking to myself yesterday about how fatty fatty boom boom‘s worst fear was probably about them breaking up and then us getting back together…  WELP!  it’s been almost 8 years that we’ve been friends again and neither of us has ever flirted or even brought up hooking up or trying to date again, lol.  what an absolutely stupid waste of her time and energy – and fucking with mine.  what a damn goon.

even if i did have a TWINKLE of interest in the guy, which i do not, (i know this sounds so stupid) i don’t care how many times he’s washed it – i would never want to touch a dong that went into that human, or the one fucking girl i didn’t trust and loathed so much, back in the day.  i knew when we were together she was trying – and of course, she got her way – which he finally admitted to doing yesterday when we were hanging out.  like, for months when we had broken up.  i hate that we got back together and i didn’t know that, or else i probably wouldn’t have gotten back with him back then.

it was two full decades ago, and i don’t actively CARE, but i just looked at him and felt such disappointment when he told me that.  THE ONE THING i didn’t want him to do – the one person i didn’t want him to hook up with… and he did.  the look on his face when he told me was just straight up disappointment in himself and he apologized.  i was like “dude, it’s fine now”, but automatically said that i felt really bad for 20-something year old jessica.  she didn’t deserve that shit.  also, that girl knew exactly what she was doing.  what a fucking asshole.

so yeah…  just another traumatic thing i was right about, to pile up on the bullshit that has been handed to me on a regular basis in this shit life, lol.  unreal.

May 14th, 2023 @ 10:51 am

i just threw out oscy’s litter box (yes, 3.5 months later).  i left it in its spot bc i felt like it being there (and in my peripheral vision) meant oscy was still actively around.  it’s one of the last pieces of him.

i kept all of his wet food plates in a pile on my counter, i kept all of his wet food cans that i had ordered a week before his passing (for the outdoor cat) and the treats i put in his xmas stocking (also now for the outdoor cat).  i kept his toys, but they’re out of sight…  the litter box was the last thing, really.

i was just looking out the window, grimacing at all of the idiots going to the new restaurant on the corner at 10:30AM alongside all of the goons going to the hotel restaurant down the block, most likely for communion parties (barf), when i looked down and saw a couple of boxes i had packed for moving downstairs.  i have to start putting things away and cleaning up, so it’s easier to leave, whenever i do.  it finally felt right, i guess.

i feel like i’m erasing him, though that’s completely stupid.

anyway, i just wanted to note that i did it – a baby step, though i’m not happy or proud of it.
i hate this part of life.

May 13th, 2023 @ 5:50 pm

i’m stuck in this weird twilight zone of a month of may… i accidentally stumbled into the heights neighborhood of jersey city to cat/house sit for my former coworker/friend.  i did it last month, and i was trying to pass it off to my friend who actually pet sits for work… not sure what happened with that, and bee didn’t end up coming to NYC, so i figured why not?

i actually got called over early because my friend’s grandma isn’t doing well health-wise, so i ended up there a week early.  safe to say, i’m starting to get homesick and i hate that i’m missing primo spring cycling weather before the dreadful summer days… but it’s for the greater good of keeping a sweet kitty company, and ensuring my friend can be with her grandmother on one last beach trip. ♥

anyways, the heights/JC is a very interesting place.  you can tell it was a place that was mainly lower income/middle class mix and in came the dingus developers, cashing in on old buildings and mixing in new apartments/condos wherever they can.  i will say that it’s a way nicer mix than other places that are quickly gentrifying and developing.  up in the heights where my friends live, it seems to be a nice balance of old and new, there’s street art (proper, not the illegal/wonderful kind my friends do – which isn’t exactly a good thing, just noting it), but most of all, i’m impressed by the considerate infrastructure that JC takes into consideration when building things and generally for getting around.  there are so many bike lanes, there are a ton of pedestrian shortcuts and paths you can take to save yourself a 20 min walk around a massive block, etc.

i’m really impressed by how many dwellings have usable roof decks, which i’ve been taking full advantage of (i am so tan and it’s only the middle of may, lol… also, i’ve been doing it topless which is wonderful for tan line situations).  it’s nice to eat up there, chill up there, at nighttime, it’s so relaxing to be up there with a warm breeze and the view of the skyline is wonderful… it’s really something i wish i had in my own home.  i hate that queens doesn’t have shit like that (and fuck moving to bk for that).

i think it’s really nice over there…  i don’t think i could ever live there, though.  there is just a pride thing for us native new yorkers – just… no.  also, the heights are also REALLY far from the hoboken train station.  i don’t mind the walk during spring/summer/fall but during winter, that would suck ass.  my friend says there’s a bus from port authority that takes you like a block away from the house but i have no idea where to get it, how to pay for tickets, etc. – jumping on the path a block away from penn station is making my life so much easier to get back and forth.  also, i wouldn’t want to be anywhere near port authority late at night after i’ve been out drinking and worrying about remembering where to get off on a bus stop…  anyways, nothing i’m seriously considering or anything, but it is a nice little change of pace.

i have a few friends that live over there, but i’ve only seen my sheebs, so far.  i called elle but she didn’t pick up and i was trying to see my friend yoli and her daughter while i was there (maybe next week).

my friend jamie came to hang with me yesterday, which was so nice. we hung out on the roof, snacked well and got tan. it was nice to have some human interaction there, instead of just talking to a cat that never talks back, lol.

May 5th, 2023 @ 12:33 pm

the WHO says i can finally retire this blog category!  after 3+ long years, they say the global health emergency is over… [CNN]

what a relief!

(we should all still be a bit cautious and courteous, esp for people with compromised immune systems, the elderly and kiddos – no matter if it’s covid or something else.  wear a mask around those people if you’re sick or in public if you’re contagious!)

April 24th, 2023 @ 4:10 pm

i’m a super patient person and i’m a virgo, so i let things pile up and not bother me until i’ve hit a point where i can’t take it anymore.  while i’ve become better at communicating with others, sometimes it doesn’t come out right.  the feelings i’m trying to communicate are usually all over the place and overwhelming because i let it all pile up OR i’ve not sorted out the feelings.

i don’t normally cave to emotion, but i’ve been trying to, so that i’m no longer a frigid ice queen.  whenever i do cave, others make me feel like i’m being defensive or over-emotional, while i just feel formidable.  it’s a horrible place to be when people make you feel that way when you’re trying so hard to be better…

i mean this in all aspects of relationships, not just romantic… but the romantic aspect is truly starting to get to me.  i don’t know if there’s one person for me in this lifetime, but i really wish someone would just accept me and make me feel safe and secure, not let me feel like i’m being over dramatic or emotionally immature.

i would love to be a little bit dependent on someone, instead of trying to be a strong person that doesn’t let anyone in.  i don’t mean codependent, just be able to let my guard down a little – not be such a control freak.  i want to try to be more vulnerable…  i really am so sick of feeling the way that i do.

April 22nd, 2023 @ 6:55 pm

my mother came down to see my sister’s friend’s new baby earlier today, and we were talking about day care and the one i went to as a child (from ages 5-11).  this one lady who worked there used to TORTURE me.  she hated me… she would call me by my last name, she was so nasty to me, she’d ask the kids who wanted PB&J or cream cheese & jelly sandwiches and would always force me to eat the CC&J (i hate cream cheese), etc. – she was just awful. anyways, we got to talking about the actual owner who was the opposite of that fucking beast and my mom told me about a story from either 1988 or 1989 that i DO NOT remember at all.

i have such good long term memory, that i remember things from ages 1.5/2 on.  to prove it to my mom one year, i drew out the floor plans of our apartment from when i was ages 1-3 and i was right…  but i digress.  for me to forget something from childhood is really weird.  i remember so many things and in crazy detail, but i guess this one was traumatizing for me.

picture it: college point, queens, a frigid winter storm.  a smol stu, age 8, is waiting for her day care to pick her up, but they aint comin’ bc of the weather holding them up.  apparently, my 3rd grade teacher lived on long island and decided she no longer wanted to wait for my day care (or anyone) to come get me AND LET ME WALK HOME ALONE, IN A BAD SNOW STORM.

my mom was telling me she got a phone call from school to her job asking if i was in school that day.  they couldn’t find me.  they said day care never picked me up and she started freaking out bc nobody could find me.

my daycare finally called my mother to let her know that they were held up bc of the weather, and by the time they got to my school, i had already been released by my idiot teacher, but they didn’t know that.  they searched the entire school for me to no avail.  they found my teacher and she told them she sent me home bc i said i knew where i lived.

sure, my apartment was 5 blocks away… but I WAS FUCKING EIGHT YEARS OLD.  i also had no keys.

my daycare lady (the nice one) drove down to my house and found me sitting outside with my back to the front door, hysterical crying.  🙁

my poor sister and i were almost in tears thinking about how i walked home in a snow storm alone at that age.  if you know me irl, you will know that i am smol.  when i was in elementary school, i was always the peanut at the front of the line in size order… it’s so sad to think about tiny me battling wind and snow going down a hill alone, probably scared shitless.

* * *

i can’t remember that situation AT ALL.  i don’t know if i suppressed that memory or what.  i can barely remember anything from that year, tbh.  i can remember all other years – various times during the years.  i really can not remember anything from the year i was in 3rd grade, other than we moved to college point.  this was also the same year that my mother moved us out of the bronx and left all of my toys behind (like EVERY 80s toy i ever had).  i must have been so traumatized by that, that i just blocked out that year.

poor, smol stu. 🙁

p.s.: my mother tried to have that old cranky hoe fired, but she was tenured.  my mother was told she was “spoken to” about it, lol.  …fucking flake.

April 18th, 2023 @ 9:13 am

i haven’t actively thought of or have played this song in soooooo long… but it popped up into my head tonight and brought me back to a time.

* * *

being an early 20-something year old was really scary when i had no direction or support.  i was SLACKING.  i got a job at a video store and thought i could just do that and live (rent may have been cheap enough back then tho)… my paychecks wouldn’t even cover one of my bills now, lol.  it was scary not having career skills, not knowing how to obtain or figuring out how to survive as an adult, yet in retrospect, it was still such a comfortable time.  mom paid the rent, i didn’t have bills, there were no smartphones yet, almost no responsibility…  life consisted of: working, home, no bills, going to shows, fucking my boyfriend, being ikea/target rats, hanging out with my bffs, going to raves, being creative on the computer… finding myself.

i wish i would have known everything would eventually work out.  instead, i took solace in my old bedroom, with late night coding/designing until the sun came up (which would eventually pay off becoming my career path), but i digress.  the reason i came to post this song tonight was bc it was stuck in my head, but i also wanted to just discuss the way i found it.

the n was nickelodeon programming on an overnight schedule for older kids.  while i was home during those introverted, creative nights, i’d let the n rock while i was making stuff.  it aired tween/teenager shows, aka it was how i was introduced to the world of degrassi TNG (amongst other shows).  in between shows, they would showcase indie music and the stills “changes are no good” was one of those frequently featured songs.  i instantly loved the line “i am a weekday on weekends” so much that i made it my myspace headline and never looked back (even into 2023, lol).  i think it nailed my personality in 6 words, lol.  i’m an annoying little idiot asshole that naturally ruins everything good.  not much has changed…

😛

April 9th, 2023 @ 1:27 am

“the separation’s tired, it’s been too long…”

never in my life since this album was released, have i ever related to this song (or many songs on this album, even though i’ve always enjoyed most of them)…  but here we are, and i hate it.

at what point does one admit they’re just a delusional fucking moron?
asking for a friend. 🙁